Suckiness Of It All

I have been very bitter in my last entry but I won't apologize for it because I have been feeling very lousy... yes people it is Valentine's day and I have gone from having a pretty good morning... played a good game of volleyball during pe (thank you very much)... and then as we (Mae, Nikki [different Nikki], Meg and I) finished eating our "celebratory" Single & Fabolous dinner while crossing the busy street of A.H. Lacson Meg's bitterness (HAHA) sort of started to rub off on me and I felt suffocated and I wanted to strangle the next person I saw holding a big bouquet of flowers... okay that was way harsh... but I just felt so out of it.

And again I want to apologize to Rembert because I fell asleep last night! Puyatan to the max ka kasi e! HAHA Natapos mo ba yung ginagawa mo? Nagmumukmok kasi kaming dalawa nito last night... HEHE sorry ulit kasi may PE ako I had to get up at 7 and believe me maaga na yun! HAHA Remember yung promise mo sa akin?! At promise ko din sayo next year meron na ko! Hala nagtarget talaga WAHAHAHA... okay I am officially insane ladies and gentlemen.

At the beginning of today just for fun, Apa and I counted all those romantic gestures/flowers/teddy bears/stuff toys that we saw and by the time it was 1 o clock or something I quit counting at aroun 153... I just couldn't take it anymore... and we weren't really looking for those things... I could probably reach 500 if I circumnavigated (what a word!) UST... HAHA there were a bunch of creative ones like this one car was surrounded by rose petals and had I love you ____ (forgot the name) on the dashboard... then there was this guy who traced the word I love you I think in Colayco Park or something... sweet... people are such suckers during this time... I guess I probably got "sweetness" overload... if there ever was such a thing.

I feel so out of sorts right now that I'm not doing anything academic wise... I might later... whatever... I really don't have anything against Valentines (but my icon contradicts this notion HAHA) but I guess too much romance crammed into a day when it should actually be spread throughout the year got to me because no matter how people try to hide it there is still a stigma attached to being single... okay so maybe as a single person I am looking through the what was that theory called... wait let me get my sociology book... ohhh here it is:

"Idea of the looking-glass-self by Charles Horton Cooley. In our imagination, we mentally assume the stance of other people and look at ourselves as we believe these others see us. We acquire our sense of self by seeing ourselves reflected in the behavior of others and their attitudes toward us and by imagining what others think about us." (Palispis, 2005, p. 93)

Proper citing because it is a direct quote... HAHA

Anyway... maybe it is all in my mind but still through the looking-glass-self I feel that stigma... not all the time but I still feel it. People say I'm lucky but do I feel that way... honestly most of the time no... and to be sort of pushed into this "love fest" is a bit too much for someone like me... I'm not really mad at those people who had a good day like my best Rianne who has been raving in her blog, I'm actually happy for the people who felt special today but for little old me it is just too much to bear... oh well... as sarcastic as this may sound now but I am sincere when I say...

Happy Heart's Day everyone! Hope you had a day filled with love from all the special people in your lives...

Different Moods Of My Love

Hello everyone! Have you seen my icon for this week... if not check it out in my profile section... if your too lazy to do that it actually reads: "VALENTINE'S DAY: like we really need another day of the year to feel like shit because we're single. thank you effin' hallmark." I put that on purpose for this week because surprise surprise it's Valentine's on Tuesday... great. That icon pretty much says my sentiment regarding this supposed "holiday". I know I'm being bitter but this is my blog so I can be as bitter as I want... HAHA

***Wait just a little interlude... I find it funny how my playlist was just playing Chinelas by Kamikazee then suddenly switched to Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson... I find this too amusing... God I'm so easily pleased. Back to regular programming***

On a lighter note... my quote for this week is on the sweeter side... I fell in love with this quote really:

Boy: So what are we?
Girl: I don't know. What do you want to be?
Boy: Whatever makes you happy.
Girl: I'm already happy. So what will make you happy?
Boy: You.

It just makes me say, "AWWW"... will someone ever say that to me? Will I ever make just one guy extremely happy and hear him actually say that I am the only thing that makes him happy, the only reason his heart flip flops... I'm being very cheesy because if I don't I might explode... I also love the new McDonald commercial for Valentine's okay so I might actually like it because Warren Austria was the lead and he was saying I love you to Chelsea Co through the spaces between library shelves and I was imagining he was actually saying that to me! HAHA Oh well...

Well from the bitter side, to the love bit side and now I am switching to my brooding depressed side with the help of a quote from Eleven Minutes...

"What the eyes don't see, the heart does grieve over."

I have been repressing a lot of emotions because I have been and still am extremely busy but during weekends those certain emotions seem to take a life of their own so instead of trying to push them away I shall deal with them right now in the spirit of Valentine's... this is actually the time of the year when I feel my absolute worst... okay so it hasn't passed yet but around this period my repressed feelings of insecurity and loneliness are actually at their peak... every negative feeling I have towards love eventually comes out...

I see this quote from the book as another reminder of all of my bottled up emotions... I don't really have anyone to talk to about this right now because all my friends are busy and I don't really want to bother them so I wallow in self pity... and I'm listening to Dashboard Confessional which seems to complement my current mood.

This quote to me is sort of what I feel towards myself, what others see when they look at me. They would see a normal, seemingly happy, industrious girl who seems to have it all... yet they don't see that behind that is this girl who falls too fast, who reacts to every look, smile and glance like it's the most important thing in the world, every word spoken is being analyzed, every observation is over examined and through all that analysis you would find a girl who is tired of trying to figure men out, distressed because she feels she isn't the least bit desirable, exasperated because it seems like everyone around her has found someone except her, hurt because she fell to fast, depressed because she is grieving over someone that never was hers and never would be hers because they don't seem to be the least bit interested.

I am a girl who feels like she would never be loved by anyone.
I am a girl who feels that I am never going to be enough for anyone.
I am a girl who feels that no matter who I love they wouldn't find it in them to show any interest in me whatsoever.
I am the girl who in the absence of love in her life fears that she wouldn't be given a chance to be loved by someone she chooses to give her entire self to...

I am Nicole...
I have been single since birth...
I have never been courted...
I have never had a guy who had the guts to admit that he actually had feelings for me...
And I feel like I am the loneliest person to ever walk this earth...
And I fear that I would be that way forever...

Recap

I've had a pretty interesting week so why don't I start with a recap... this week was AB week and it is the campaign period for the ABSC (AB Student Council) and well actually the whole university so everything has been pretty crazy and I myself have been feeling crazy... that doesn't seem to make any sense at all. Anyway...

Monday: This was the opening of the AB week... we had the faculty parade where we were walking around the campus proudly showing our love for our faculty... I don't have pictures to post because I forgot to bring the camera but I am waiting to get pictures of my blockmates. Then we had the food fest where we were sort of having a little fiesta in the lobby of AB. And that was pretty much it... at least we didn't have classes and we were somewhat free although we were already gathering news for our newsletter for journ which added to the mania of that day and the entire week actually.

Tuesday: Well we had classes again and we finally have our Lit professor the very talented and smart Professor Nerissa Guevara... or Ms. G... she's is so cool, she's an indigenous dancer and a professor, a singer... just whoa... and in the morning I attend the UST Salinggawi Dance Concert for our PE and I was covering it for our journ newsletter at the Medicine Auditorium... it was amazing... that's why Salinggawi is No. 1!!! WOOHOO! HAHA Here are a bunch of pictures... too bad I didn't get the second part because I ran out of batteries... I'm going to get it from Kyla because I need that too... I took this from my seat because cameras were discouraged so pardon some of the shots.

Wednesday: We had the mass to celebrate the AB Week and classes just resumed and we weren't supposed to have our last subject but our prof showed up... great right! Whatever... argh...

Thursday: I got to school at around 10 even though my classes were at 1 because we had to conduct this interview for an interview story (how redundant) for journ and we decided to interview the running presidents for the ABSC... it was an interesting thing to do actually because it gave me perspective for this coming elections and yet I haven't decided who to vote for yet...

Friday: Well yesterday was somehow interesting... we had only two classes because Prof Estacio didn't show up and we were wearing our beloved AB shirt, our door was about to collapse... HAHA I had to cover this St. Thomas More Lecture for our journ but it was pretty much okay since we didn't have Theo... then we headed for the Cheermania (inter college competition) although there were only 5 colleges... CFAD (College of Fine Arts & Design), College of Architecture, College of Commerce, College of Education and the UST Pay High (who actually won by the way)... and then I saw an old crush there... well not so old crush... man he still looks the same. Oh well... during the Thomas More Lecture the intermission number was the Chorus of Arts & Letters which was cool... I love them especially since I have a crush from AB Choral! HAHA Whatever... : ) here's a picture of them... I seriously love this picture... not because my crush is there and you can't really see him either... hehe that's just a bonus but I do love this picture.

Hmmm... my week was mostly concentrated on the journ newsletter which drove me and everyone else in my class crazy. We were taking pictures of every event, the room to room campaign of the different political parties turned into a press conference which they loved by the way. It was cool because it made our class unique... there are cameras flashing everywhere! HAHA I know this is an entry isn't of any substance but I just wanted everyone to know what has been keeping me busy and I shall end this with a few pictures of me fooling around with my some of my friends... these pictures are on my friendster account already hehe

Me & Betsy... little trivia: we used to be classmates in kindergarten before she transferred to STC and now we are seatmates and classmates again! Can you believe it?! We were even seating beside each other in our kindergarten pic and during our class pic this year we were beside each other again! HAHA Strange coincidence...

Joy, Ge & Tin

Rainier, I'm the one hidden, Nica, Parpie, Szusza, Ana, Edree

Rainier, Szusza, Poli

Edree and Me

Ooh... before I go I just want to say I love the new Pussycat Dolls song and video... BEEP! HAHA So cool can't wait to get there album... women empowerment to the max! ; P