Good Girl Gone Bad?

It was a big change and without any hesitation I dove head first into it. I shut out all the negative voices and when full steam ahead. Don't worry I'm not talking about anything as drastic as plastic surgery. I'm just talking about this:



TADA!!! I took the Rihanna photos from Ultimate Rihanna and my picture is courtesy of Ms. Ana Mae Roa. Thank you!!

I went from the slightly unmanageable shoulder-length do to this Rihanna inspired bob. Edree even went as far as to call me the "BLACK GIRL GONE WHITE." I think it would be more appropriate to say: "BLACK GIRL GONE ASIAN."

What made me do this?

I needed the change. I had an epiphany after the little drama I was in recently (refer to the previous entry). It made me want to do something drastic. It made me want to create a new beginning for myself.

I gained confidence from the positive feedback my friends have been giving me. This whole experience reminded me of the boundless opportunities waiting for me. The world is in my palm. Carpe diem! Seize the day. Wait I have to watch that movie first before I can go all carpe diem on you people... HAHA

It is my own rebellion. Like Rihanna said in an interview on the Today Show, there is that time when I teenager wants to rebel against anything and everything. This is my own little revolution.

So in a way I've become that good girl gone bad. I'm fighting against all those people who looked down on what I can do. I'm fighting against all those nay-sayers. My future is bright. The possibilities are endless. This has become a new beginning for me.

This Is For The Faint Of Heart

So this is what it feels like... waiting for your sentence to come down. Am I in the death row? Is this going to be the end of me? It feels that way.

I know it's selfish to compare my personal drama to something as serious as someone losing his life. I just feel that way at the moment. For those who can't take drama then you can stop reading right here.

I feel like my life is over. My incompetency has caught up with me. It has come back with a vengeance and it took a big bite out of my ass. I have no excuses to hide behind. I chose not to hide behind any as well. It's my fault. Clearly it was my fault.

But the faint hearted person like myself can not take this. This shows how weak I actually am. I can't even defend myself. I was in the wrong but I can't even put up a defense.

I haven't cried like this in a long time. It doesn't feel any good. I usually feel good after a cry. This time I'm just scared. My eyes are all red and splotchy and my whole body betrayed me as well. I have a cold and my head is pounding. I'm swimming in my own fear and regret.

Am I looking for sympathy and compassion? Yes I am because I'm so weak right now that all I can do is lean on someone else. I should pick myself up right? I should face the consequences... easier said than done.

When Happiness Became My Only Option

I always perceived happiness as an end. It was this destination that I had to strive for like what Nirvana is for Buddhists. I have been sent all those "happiness is a choice" quotes. They have inspired me but I haven't been as attentive to them as possible. I just peg them as one of those life lessons I'm going to "try" to put into practice.

I used to associate it with being in a relationship. "If I were with him, I'd be happy." That was like a mantra for me. It's all over this blog and the old one. All my teenage angst wrapped up in words. I did not know I had that much angst. HAHA I was programmed that way. Could it have been Hollywood's doing? Peers? Who knows really... I was just stuck in that place. Longing for something that wasn't mine. Was it out of envy? Perhaps... I'll never really know the cause.

Happiness = material abundance. That's another misconception I had. I still get all perky with a good purchase (like the ones I had yesterday) but I know how fleeting that is. Money comes and goes. That's life for you. And to equate your happiness with the amount of stuff you own will only bring discontent. How paradoxical. Or am I the only one who sees it that way?

It's shallow. It isn't real. All my preconceived notions have been discredited.

I don't know exactly how it happened. It might have been my interview with Nikki (my friend) for my personality profile article but her optimism probably rubbed off on me.

That conscious effort to make your own happiness. I want that. I want to work hard for my happiness. It would never come easy. I would not know where I'm going to get it from exactly. But all that hard work and the suffering, I know that's how happiness will be formed.

I now believe that happiness can not be present all the time. We must work hard to keep it with us. There's suffering in order for us to realize what happiness really is.

The happiness that could come from anything. A kid's smile, the sunset, waking up... it's all up to us to see the beauty in everything around us. Sounds so preachy but I don't care (see optimism at work HAHA).

I'm reading interviews on Paulo Coelho for a paper on my favorite authors for my Literary Journalism class and here's a few poignant words from Mr. Coelho... taken from an interview with Harper's Bazaar... it's in the FAQ's of his official website www.paulocoelho.com.br

"Going on a pilgrimage reawakens that awareness, but you don't need to walk the Road to Santiago to get the benefits. Life itself is a pilgrimage. Every day is different, every day can have a magic moment, but we don't see the opportunity, because we think: 'Oh this is boring I'm just commuting to work.' But we are all on a pilgrimage whether we like it or not and the target, or goal, the real Santiago, if you like, is death. You must get as much as you can from the journey, because - in the end - the journey is all you have. It doesn't matter what you accumulate in terms of material wealth, because you are going to die anyway, so why not live? When you realize that you can be brave and that is the first tenant of any spiritual quest - to take risks.

'We don't receive wisdom; we must discover it for ourselves after a journey that no one can take for us or spare us' Marcel Proust 1871-1922."

I'm making the conscious effort to make sure that I choose to be happy in my journey. Maybe you people should too.