It Keeps Me Happy

I'm functioning on a cup of tea and a bottle of water. I was up at 5 this morning because I knew I had to finish the paper for my Info Tech in the Newsroom class. I have no time for dilly-dallying. I've been averaging 6 hours of sleep this week. That's terrible for me because I love my 8 hours a night sleep. I miss it but I've been kept happy by the most trivial of things.

The sunrise has been my friend. I would not have said that before because mornings used to be my enemy but I've come to appreciate and love them now. It gives me warmth and hope that the day would be a great one. I'm trying to cultivate my optimism.

ARASHI's still LOVE. Ohmiya's still LOOOVEEE and MatsuJun's SEX. LOL Well he is! Their songs and shows have kept me perky and happy. I've been battling with my inner demons a.k.a. my emotions and they have been my salvation. It's been a great stress reliever. I'm thankful to Johnny and the rest Johnny Entertainment for giving us the five pretty boys. Now if they only sold legal Arashi merchandise here... I'm still praying and hoping for that.

Friends and family have also kept me sane. From the recent demands of my academic life, they have been my shelter. The load isn't that demanding yet but it's beginning to build up momentum.

Songs have continued to be refuge as well. Arashi's La Tormenta 2004 is my current hype me up song. Avril's new song When You're Gone is something I'm in love with. Love the chorus... it's a sad song but it makes me happy. Amy Winehouse's Tears Dry On Their Own is rather fitting for me and I LOVE IT.

I have found that hidden passion for my profession yesterday. That's keeping me happy. I had a practical exam for the Philippine Daily Inquirer's University Scholarship where we had to interview and write a feature story on the chief of the Research Section of PDI. Ma'am Miner was nice and despite the harrowing feeling of trying to meet the deadline, I actually had fun.

In retrospect, I knew that this moment would come down in history. I actually got to experience typing inside a newsroom. The newsroom of the biggest newspaper publication no less. It was cool and I believe I gave what I could despite the pressure. We were there at 5 in the afternoon and finished the interview-slash-press con scenario in the Inquirer's research dept at 6. I finished the article at 8. The time limit was probably midnight or something. We just had to pass it to Sir Yambot (the PDI publisher) that night. It was eye opening and inspiring. I can never describe the feeling of being in there amidst practicing newsmen. It's rather fascinating.

I was talking about battling with my demons earlier and it was put into words through a quote I received last night.

When things seem too good to be true, it's because of one thing: It's about to break your heart.

I found things that made me happy and I think that kept my emotions at bay. Because my friendship with a certain boy reached the point where I know that friendship was all he could offer me. It was too good to be true. It doesn't matter that the moment didn't last long. I knew something was wrong. Okay now my pessimism is surfacing. I was prepared for this. It is even in this entry HERE. I'm just letting the emotion pass through me. It hasn't hit as hard and that surprises me a bit. The anticipation probably prepared me for the actual thing. Good for me... HAHA

In Amy Winehouse's words:

I don't know why I got so attached
It's my responsibility
You don't owe nothing to me
But to walk away I have no capacity

He walks away the sun goes down
He takes the day but I'm grown
And in your way,
In this blue shade
My tears dry on their own

I don't understand
Why do I stress a man?
When there's so many better things at hand
We could've never had it all
We had to hit a wall
So this is inevitable withdrawal
Even if I stop wanting you
and perspective pushes through
I'll be some next man's other woman soon
I shouldn't play myself again
I should just be my own best friend.
Not fuck myself in the head with stupid men

I love that last line. Okay I should stop here...

*****

This will be a new feature on my blog. Since I want to spread Arashi love every entry would have my favorite picture of the moment. This one takes this entry hands down... one of the hottest Arashi pics I have seen. o.O Credit: lea26karla.livejournal.com

Hottie Of The Month - June

It can't be helped. I have to give this month's honors to two incredibly gorgeous people. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End was an amazing end (or is it?) to the POTC franchise. Since I have such a deep attachment to this male hottie, I just had to feature him one way or the other. I'm just using the movie as an excuse...

Female Hottie Of The Month
Keira Christina Knightley
a.k.a.
Keira Knightley



The beautiful 22-year-old started out as a child actress and elevated to international stardom when she starred in the movies Bend It Like Beckham and the Pirates of The Caribbean franchise. Keira suffers from dyslexia, but nevertheless achieved good grades in school to please her parents, and was thus permitted to acquire a talent agent and pursue an acting career. She is able to play each of her roles with such ease. From the tough leading lady in Pirates and King Arthur to the the beautiful Elizabeth Bennet in the movie adaptation of Jane Austen's Pride And Prejudice. She was nominated for an Academy Award and Golden Globe because of that role. Empire magazine's readers voted her the sexiest movie star of all time, among other publications worldwide that honor Keira's beauty and talent. She is now(May/June 2007) working on a film entitled The Edge of Love, formally titled The Best Time Of Our Lives, about the Welsh poet Dylan Thomas, from a screenplay by her mother.

Male Hottie Of The Month
Orlando Jonathan Blanchard Bloom
a.k.a.
Orlando Bloom



It's the eyes, it's the hair, it's the accent... okay it's everything. I'm being a total fangirl about this. I'm being 100% biased. Orli's the man. The gorgeous 30-year-old is known for his roles in big blockbusters like the recently released Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End. He has captured the hearts of millions of girls. He certainly took this writer's heart by storm. Orlando was not an athletic or academic as a child. He admits to have suffered from dyslexia as well but that did not hinder him. Frequent accidents don't stop him either from pursuing more extreme adventures during his spare time. The practicing Buddhist (yes I did not know this until now) has sustained several injuries: he broke his left arm and cracked his skull while falling out of a tree, broke his nose while playing rugby, broke his right leg skiing in Switzerland, broke his left leg in a motorbike crash, broke his right wrist while snowboarding. He also broke his back when he slipped trying to reach a roof terrace of a friend's house and fell three floors. Orli now plans to pursue his original plan of stage acting where he is set to debut in the stage play In Celebration by David Storey which premiers in July 2007.

Now all I'm hoping for is another Pirates movie to see these two together on screen again...

Keira Knightley picture and info:
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keira_Knightley

Orlando Bloom picture and info:
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Orlando_Bloom

The Right Man

That picture up there started all this talk. All this stuff about the right man began because of that man up there. I would love it if he were the one but that something that wouldn't never come to fruition. Jeez... he might be the end of me.

Before you think this is another MatsuJun adoration entry. I'm going to stop you there. I admit that he is rather easy on the eyes and I can stare at him all day but that's not what I'm here for. Since I'm talking about the right man, I might as well have fun with it. I'm so easy to please.

I have never found him more attractive than in that picture. Of course I have a lot of others that I love and I would want nothing else than to stare at all of them all day but this one really struck a cord in me.

That has to be one of the sexiest things I've seen. I'm attracted to smart eye candies. Intelligence is such a big turn on for me. If a guy takes time to read, that would be great. Now if you are as good looking as this guy, then I might ask you to marry me! HAHA

I'll be a hypocrite if I said looks didn't matter but that doesn't have much staying power. If I see how much of an arrogant jerk a guy is, then sayonara dude. Sorry none of that for me.

The right guy for me has to have dreams. I need to know that he has ambition. It doesn't matter what he does as long as he pursues that with passion.

He has to have a sense of humor. He must be able to laugh at himself. I'm such a serious person that I need someone who could crack me up. It doesn't take much to be honest.

He has to have a good value system. He has to know right from wrong. I don't mind him going after what he wants. There is something to going against the establishment when you know you're right but he just has to know his limits.

I already mentioned intelligence. That's important to me. Beauty fades. If he's able to hold a conversation. If he makes me think aside from making my heart flutter, then I'm good to go.

That's it. I can't think of any other non-negotiable aside from the ones I mentioned in the entry before this. You see I'm pretty easy to please. I read in an old Seveteen magazine that some things are worth the wait. I agree. The right man maybe just around the corner. I know it would be worth the wait.

The New Journey

I wrote this entry about a "dream guy" two years ago. HERE it is to be exact. I was pissed off that day. The top half of the entry says it all.

I was battling with unsettling feelings I had towards this guy. And I just graduated. The endorphins were not with me and emotions were definitely running high. But I was able to conjure up the "dream guy" I had in mind.

When I read that now I know that most of what I described was in one of my favorite Will & Grace's episode. It was a wedding for one of their friends and this is one of my favorite lines from any TV show. Here's the exact quote from that episode:

That I am complete within myself so I don't have to look to you to complete me.

I knew before but never acknowledged that it was a fantasy description. I conjured up the dream guy any other girl would love to have. If my friends read that, they would probably agree. It's a fantasy we all want to be part of. To be loved inspite of ourselves. Who doesn't want that?

But what does change in two years? Well my surroundings and situation changed. I mentioned earlier that I just graduated and idealism and dreams were still running high. The dreams and idealism are still up there but the emotions present after I graduated already subsided.

The hysterics have already died down. I'm now left to journey alone and discover myself and what makes me who I am. You could say that it's a journey into my essence... the "Nicole-ness" of it all. Man that sounds stupid. LOL

I've been single since birth. I've watched too many Hollywood romantic movies and shows. I've read wonderful love stories. I have seen people who are in love. I'm no longer clamoring for that immediate warmth of a significant other. Now I'm on a path trying to learn about what I can give up and what my non-negotiables are. I'm at the beginning of a voyage of finding that life mate.

I'm one of those people who want to settle down one day. I don't want flings. I don't want temporary relationships that won't head anywhere. I'm in the game for the real thing. Those are some of my non-negotiables. The most important ones I might add.

I will continue this in another entry with the description of the right guy. I'm no longer looking for the dream guy. That ship has sailed. Dreams either come true or they don't. I'm just over it.

He's Gonna Break My Heart

This is a little follow up to my previous entry. I'm just so freakin affected by the whole situation and lack of it that I just have to talk about it again. I don't get the whole thing to be honest and I don't plan in divulging every single detail of my current situation either. I just want to talk about the feelings really.

I'm an easily affected person especially when it comes to matters of the heart. It doesn't take much believe me. I can be tipped either way. It's relatively easy to tip me either way. You can make me extremely happy or sad.

I get the collective kilig over my current thing(?). I don't know what it is anyway. It's especially kilig from an observer's perspective. But somehow it feels blown out of proportion even for me the actual person. Don't get me wrong it makes me happy. Yes, even the teasing makes me happy BUT the pessimistic side of me can't help but well be pessimistic.

I just know he's gonna break my heart. Every time I see him that's all I can think of okay just lately but that is how it feels. It hurts to admit it but I know he will. I'll probably fall without anyone catching me. I'm sort of preempting it that's why I'm very unresponsive to the teasing.

You see it's easy to tip me either way.

He's going to break my heart and I probably couldn't take that.

I Get The Hint

There is such a thing as acceptance. I've learn to accept a lot of things in life. I accept things not going my way when it comes to school, family life, friends, and any other circumstance in life. Things regarding my "love life" aren't any different either. I've accepted a lot of things with that regard too.

Right now isn't really any different. My beloved college buddies keep pressing the issue on this one guy. A guy I've accepted as a friend without any of the strings attached anymore. You see I got the hint that things won't really go beyond the friendship point. Nothing more, nothing less people.

It was a bit hard to accept it at first but the more I tried to hide from the reality the more it haunted me. It just isn't meant to be. I can't really say that it is a resignation of some sort. I just woke up to the truth.

A lot of us get stuck in lala land because it's more comfortable or happy there but that gets pretty harmful. Take it from a semi-permanent resident. Those illusions are nice for a temporary period but once it becomes a normal part of you then that can get pretty destructive. It is not wise to blur the boundary of the world you want and actual reality.

I'm not really bitter about the situation. I've just learned to live with that reality. You can't place a puzzle piece into a spot where it wasn't supposed to be in. We're just not meant to be in each other's lives that way.

I wrote about this because of a bunch of reasons I really don't want to talk about except this one thing. The whole situation was brought to my attention by this song of Gavin DeGraw entitled Glass. Here are the lyrics:

Fool you made the girl fall in love
you said those beautiful things
she thought you spoke things you mean
Caress her skin like it's glass
she hears your voice making plans
and she just breaks in your hands
You don't wanna see somebody beg
as you feel her heart surrender
you begin to fall
How do you say that something's through
when it never even started
at least not for you
You breathe her air and you leave
you keep your mind on yourself
and lie the glass on the shelf
After the heavenly speech
your body throws holy heat
the angels sing when our eyes meet
It wasn't a lie but it wasn't true
I just wanted to make you feel good
just wanted you near
I wasn't prepared I wasn't thinking of you
that you could actually love me
it never should have started
She's dreaming back on the past
every opinion agreed
doesn't know what to believe
It must have been for a cause
our lives have so many doors
don't think about him anymore
But it was the kiss, it took me away
it's like he knew that I am fragile
she said he handled me like glass
and it hurts but it's what I deserve
because I should have been more careful
with the others that I handled
she said I should have been more
I should have been more
and knowing this I know
that he'll get his
but I don't want the man to suffer
cause deep down I know that he's glass too
but it really doesn't matter
until it's happening to you
everybody breaks
everybody breaks
sometimes

*Lyrics taken here