(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction

I remember Summer Roberts (Rachel Bilson) utter these words in the second season of The OC: "You only want me when you can't have me..." And Albert Camus's central theme of the "Absurdity of life" in his work Myth of Sisyphus. The pop culture mention is actually supported by the classic's theme. And they both aid in my sentiment at the moment. SATISFACTION. In the famous song of the Rolling Stones: (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction. Those words have never had such bearing in my life until now. Or should I say, I now acknowledge the reality of that statement.

I was talking to Tin, Betsy and Edree last night about satisfaction. We were watching Ge and Joshua help Meg and Tets for their audition for Mediartrix's new production and we got to talking about the things we wished we could do. My major frustration is performing. If I was given the talent to sing and dance well, I would love to be a theater actress. Oh and I would have loved to be an artist but I can't draw to save my life... HAHA

Tin mentioned something about how we always want we don't have. If we could sing, we want to dance. If we dance, we want to sing. It seems that there is always something we want that's just beyond our reach.

I never get satisfaction I admit that and anyone who reads this would be lying to yourselves if you say that you are satisfied with your life at the moment. It's part of the absurdity of life! I don't know what I want in my life and I'm not satisfied because I know there's something missing. I want a lot of things I can't have. I never really put that in writing but now I openly admit it.

I don't know what I wanted out of my previous bitter entry but it did give me a sense of relief. I needed that outlet but I am not saying that I'm satisfied with my situation. Relief is different from satisfaction. I'm still searching for something more. And in the words of Stacie Orrico: "There's gotta be more to life than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me..." I couldn't help myself I really wanted to write that down.

Life's absurd, it's crazy and it doesn't guarantee that it would give us what we want. It would probably give us our satisfaction and happiness in a very unexpected way. And I'm not actually surprised by that idea.

Raw & Exposed

Things never really turn out the way we want them to... I have known this for quite some time and yet I still think that things will turn out the way I want them to.

It's like a disease I tell you. It gets hard as well to think of how you want things to happen and then the complete 360 degree thing happens. I guess life is never really under any obligation to give us what we want. But how come I still ask? It completely sucks to be vulnerable. I hate being too vulnerable and needy. I am a pretty guarded person so I hate it when my defenses crumble.

There will always be that one thing or person or event that would eventually bring my defenses down and when that happens I'm just raw and exposed with no one to turn to because I know that I brought this upon myself in the first place. But how could you stop expecting for things to happen? Is that even humanly possible?

At this moment, I feel so raw and exposed. I know I'm probably not making any sense but I just feel so stripped down. And even if my defenses are scattered all around me I do not have it in me to pick them up again. Why should I? Someone else would break them down again.

I really don't like being vulnerable but life seems to want me to be this way. This is driving me insane by the way. Having no control of my emotions is driving me insane. Okay I don't want to be robotic or anything but for once I just once some semblance of control over how I feel. I'm just a slave to my emotions and vulnerability at this point because things never turn out the way I want them to... and it sucks how I can't seem to let that go.

For The Lack Of A Better Title PART 3

I'm still trying to recall what happened that morning but I can't remember the exact details. I'll just try to narrate what happened after Ate Cords and the others arrived... I think they got there at around 11:30 a.m. so I think they arrived just in time for lunch. That's right now I remember that part.

And if I recall correctly, after lunch we had this sort of puzzle activity where we had to form these square shapes per person that had the exact size of this one square. The catch was that we couldn't talk and we couldn't ask for pieces from our other group mates. It was a good activity actually. I couldn't figure out at first what needed to be done because there was this confusion when they were giving us the instruction. Kuya Roel took in charge of the group and we willingly followed suit. But we had some confusion when there some pieces that didn't quite fit. We clapped at least three times (you were supposed to clap to say that your group was already through with the activity).

After that we had a drawing activity. It's funny how every single leadership training has that whole draw something activity. I guess our drawings tell a lot about ourselves... anyway, we had to draw on one side what contributions UST had on us and what we contributed to UST. A lot of interesting answers and this took a long time to finish (if you visit my MULTIPLY the individual pictures were on this activity). It lasted until snack time.

The next activity had to be one of my favorites because it was fun. We had this sort of pass the message thing (there are pictures of this on my MULTIPLY as well) but this wasn't under any time constraint. This was probably the longest pass the message I played in my life. There was this one relatively long message that had to be passed from Kuya Milfen up to me (I was the last person!). This took us about an hour or so. Ate Cords and I were the last two people. We even got the chance to head to the bathroom and by the time we returned the message wasn't even halfway through all of us! It was funny how I totally got the wrong message... I was able to accurately write down what Ate Cords told me but we got the wrong message. It was fun but it was a great lesson that taught us not to pass any information that we didn't accurately know. Gossip spreads fast and it wouldn't be good if we were the ones who started it.

After that was the part on the types of groups and then the two kinds of leaders. Our instructors acted out very entertaining skits on the types of groups and kinds of leaders. This was the last thing we did that night before dinner. We were already tired and hungry by this time but we had to finish those two topics because after dinner was the solidarity night.

I'm going to talk about the solidarity night and the activities that happened during our last day at Zambales in my next entry... I'm leaving now... bye!