YEAH It's 2007!!! Almost...

Okay I've been MIA these past few days because I've been busy and I really didn't have any stories to tell... I know I haven't finished talking about my Zambales experience but I just don't have it in me right now to write about that. For Pete's sake it's almost 2007 (okay I don't know Pete but I enjoy using that expression!HAHA) and I feel like I'm ready for this new year... I've gained interesting insight these past few days and I plan to put it into practice. It seems like a resolution and I guess I resolved to grow...

I've had a pretty interesting year. We all probably felt that way. I've gained friends, lost a few, lost and discovered myself, lost faith and then believed again, and I laugh and cried where I recall one time doing both... I felt a LOT of things. It has been a struggle and I won't deny that but it has all been wickedly cool if you ask me.

These past two weeks I've been doing some subtle changes in myself and my look. I got my hair cut on the 23. I just wanted the change and I've been sporting black polish last week. It was just a fashion statement really. I've been too scared to do that before feeling like I couldn't pull it off but guess what I did! HAHA

I discovered that things do turn out the way we want them to. I know there's an entry here that contradicts this statement and so I use the word DISCOVERED. Anyway, things turn out the way we want them to but not in the superficial level but it comes as a result of our inner desires sometimes we get what we want unconsciously (I'm not just talking about the good things). We attract what we want and don't want because we put so much effort into both things. I've learned this the hard way.

This coming year I resolve to forget all the bad things and concentrate on the good things in my life. So what if I lost and gained weight this year?! So what if I got my heart broken?! So what if I failed sometimes?! So what if I didn't always get what I expected I would?! I have begun throwing away all those bad stuff out my window. It's taking up way too much space. Enough is enough I guess.

I know that now is my time to be thankful for the wonderful people I surround myself with. For the good health that I'm still enjoying. For the quality education. For the laughs I shared with my loved ones. For the necessities and some desires I am able to enjoy. I know I'm a lucky person I'm just not as thankful as I should be. That's what I plan to put into practice...

Now here's to hoping that everyone shares my perspective. We all have to stop dwelling on the negative. It doesn't help us one bit...

Hope you all had a blast in 2006!

Now let us welcome 2007 with open arms and be thankful that we're still alive to experience life's beautiful mysteries!! Take care everyone! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Greetings

A Merry & Happy Christmas

to all of you!!!

Have a Wonderful New Year as well!!!

Hope this past year was good to you... MWAH!!!

Dampened Holiday Spirit

Christmas is three days away but aside from the "vacation" I'm not as festive as I used to be... it could be the pile of school work I have hanging over my head, other problems, my single status (wahahaha sorry I could not help but add that) or just the fact that I'm no longer the little kid waiting for the beautiful toys I usually got during Christmas... let's face it no matter how much we say that Christmas is a giving and sharing holiday that giving and sharing spirit is usually given to our younger siblings and cousins and children...

I'm not saying that I don't like the holiday. I actually love it because people are just a bit nicer during this time of the season. Some may be that way out of the occasion. Some fake it so much that tupperware doesn't have anything on them. But there is that certain sense of "light heartedness" (if that word even existed) spreading around during this time that it is actually enlightening and heartwarming (okay blame me for being a sentimental fool on that last statement).

I especially love it when people give gifts that were actually well thought of. That's my favorite part because to me the thought behind those presents matter more than the actual object (okay unless someone gives me an ipod for Christmas! HAHA). It may seem like it's all about the presents but in reality it is all about the meaning behind them. I believe that we should give gifts that could actually mean something for our loved ones. For my friends who gave me such thoughtful gifts I just have to extend my heartfelt thank you... : )

But as I was saying awhile ago, I still feel like something is missing. I've been feeling rather lost these past few months. I'm caught up in the trivialities of life so the feeling seems to make itself present even more right now. I can't really pin point it but I just wanted to write it down. I feel lost...

It's silly how I let that dampen my holiday spirit but I can't seem to rid myself of the feeling. At least I've been taken out of it for awhile because I have been spending a lot of time with friends both my barkada and college friends...

Paskuhan was great only because my friends were there. I was particularly happy when I saw Mr. Six Pack (don't ask). And to be honest I haven't gotten over the kilig... I'm being a silly girl right now... LOL Just wanted to talk about my emotions really. And right now my spirits are actually feeling a bit better. That's why I love writing because once I have things down on paper (or online) the weight of my world slips away.

And after you read this particular entry, forget about what I said in the first place...

HAPPY and MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!

I'll probably be back before the 24th or 25th...

Something's Definitely Off

I'm a random person and I know I probably said that a couple of times already and here I am repeating it again... I would rather talk about my ridiculous thoughts at the moment than go into the banalities of life. I am aware that I haven't finished my story on the LTA and I promise to get into that soon... hopefully over the weekend.

Mae and I were on our way home yesterday and our conversation landed on the topic of guys and the "off factor"... okay that's not really a term but I'm coining it that way now. We both agreed on how there would always be that something a little "off" when we start to like new guys...

It could probably be our own fault because we are always finding faults in them but if you get what we feel there always seems to be that feeling that something's missing. There's that feeling that something's a little "off". Thus, the "off factor".

It's not just in guys though. It's in all of us... we all have our own mistakes and flaws. Nobody's perfect. An example I can remember is about this "perfect" guy who seemed to have everything but he killed himself after a horrible fight with his girlfriend. She was this guy's weakness. And that makes him imperfect. That makes him human.

The thing about the "off factor" is how much of it are you willing to take. I believe that things in our lives are all compromised. There would always be that "give and take" relationship no matter what. The question becomes an issue of how much are you willing to compromise for that person to become part of your life. Are you willing to see beyond the person's imperfections? Is he or she worth that compromise?

I've been asking myself those questions lately and I'm at a crossroad between letting this one person in or just disregarding my feelings all together. To be honest I feel that he's just not worth it. I feel like I'm not willing to compromise. It seems to be that we're better off as friends anyway. But now another question popped into my mind: Is it really his problem? Or am I the one with the problem? Oh God... why do I feel like this is all my fault?

I know there is something seriously "off" with me... HAHA

(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction

I remember Summer Roberts (Rachel Bilson) utter these words in the second season of The OC: "You only want me when you can't have me..." And Albert Camus's central theme of the "Absurdity of life" in his work Myth of Sisyphus. The pop culture mention is actually supported by the classic's theme. And they both aid in my sentiment at the moment. SATISFACTION. In the famous song of the Rolling Stones: (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction. Those words have never had such bearing in my life until now. Or should I say, I now acknowledge the reality of that statement.

I was talking to Tin, Betsy and Edree last night about satisfaction. We were watching Ge and Joshua help Meg and Tets for their audition for Mediartrix's new production and we got to talking about the things we wished we could do. My major frustration is performing. If I was given the talent to sing and dance well, I would love to be a theater actress. Oh and I would have loved to be an artist but I can't draw to save my life... HAHA

Tin mentioned something about how we always want we don't have. If we could sing, we want to dance. If we dance, we want to sing. It seems that there is always something we want that's just beyond our reach.

I never get satisfaction I admit that and anyone who reads this would be lying to yourselves if you say that you are satisfied with your life at the moment. It's part of the absurdity of life! I don't know what I want in my life and I'm not satisfied because I know there's something missing. I want a lot of things I can't have. I never really put that in writing but now I openly admit it.

I don't know what I wanted out of my previous bitter entry but it did give me a sense of relief. I needed that outlet but I am not saying that I'm satisfied with my situation. Relief is different from satisfaction. I'm still searching for something more. And in the words of Stacie Orrico: "There's gotta be more to life than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me..." I couldn't help myself I really wanted to write that down.

Life's absurd, it's crazy and it doesn't guarantee that it would give us what we want. It would probably give us our satisfaction and happiness in a very unexpected way. And I'm not actually surprised by that idea.

Raw & Exposed

Things never really turn out the way we want them to... I have known this for quite some time and yet I still think that things will turn out the way I want them to.

It's like a disease I tell you. It gets hard as well to think of how you want things to happen and then the complete 360 degree thing happens. I guess life is never really under any obligation to give us what we want. But how come I still ask? It completely sucks to be vulnerable. I hate being too vulnerable and needy. I am a pretty guarded person so I hate it when my defenses crumble.

There will always be that one thing or person or event that would eventually bring my defenses down and when that happens I'm just raw and exposed with no one to turn to because I know that I brought this upon myself in the first place. But how could you stop expecting for things to happen? Is that even humanly possible?

At this moment, I feel so raw and exposed. I know I'm probably not making any sense but I just feel so stripped down. And even if my defenses are scattered all around me I do not have it in me to pick them up again. Why should I? Someone else would break them down again.

I really don't like being vulnerable but life seems to want me to be this way. This is driving me insane by the way. Having no control of my emotions is driving me insane. Okay I don't want to be robotic or anything but for once I just once some semblance of control over how I feel. I'm just a slave to my emotions and vulnerability at this point because things never turn out the way I want them to... and it sucks how I can't seem to let that go.

For The Lack Of A Better Title PART 3

I'm still trying to recall what happened that morning but I can't remember the exact details. I'll just try to narrate what happened after Ate Cords and the others arrived... I think they got there at around 11:30 a.m. so I think they arrived just in time for lunch. That's right now I remember that part.

And if I recall correctly, after lunch we had this sort of puzzle activity where we had to form these square shapes per person that had the exact size of this one square. The catch was that we couldn't talk and we couldn't ask for pieces from our other group mates. It was a good activity actually. I couldn't figure out at first what needed to be done because there was this confusion when they were giving us the instruction. Kuya Roel took in charge of the group and we willingly followed suit. But we had some confusion when there some pieces that didn't quite fit. We clapped at least three times (you were supposed to clap to say that your group was already through with the activity).

After that we had a drawing activity. It's funny how every single leadership training has that whole draw something activity. I guess our drawings tell a lot about ourselves... anyway, we had to draw on one side what contributions UST had on us and what we contributed to UST. A lot of interesting answers and this took a long time to finish (if you visit my MULTIPLY the individual pictures were on this activity). It lasted until snack time.

The next activity had to be one of my favorites because it was fun. We had this sort of pass the message thing (there are pictures of this on my MULTIPLY as well) but this wasn't under any time constraint. This was probably the longest pass the message I played in my life. There was this one relatively long message that had to be passed from Kuya Milfen up to me (I was the last person!). This took us about an hour or so. Ate Cords and I were the last two people. We even got the chance to head to the bathroom and by the time we returned the message wasn't even halfway through all of us! It was funny how I totally got the wrong message... I was able to accurately write down what Ate Cords told me but we got the wrong message. It was fun but it was a great lesson that taught us not to pass any information that we didn't accurately know. Gossip spreads fast and it wouldn't be good if we were the ones who started it.

After that was the part on the types of groups and then the two kinds of leaders. Our instructors acted out very entertaining skits on the types of groups and kinds of leaders. This was the last thing we did that night before dinner. We were already tired and hungry by this time but we had to finish those two topics because after dinner was the solidarity night.

I'm going to talk about the solidarity night and the activities that happened during our last day at Zambales in my next entry... I'm leaving now... bye!

Of Best Friends And Quotes

When we have the time my best and I have interesting conversations... it's not that we are talking about anything life altering but they are rather interesting. The words are pretty disturbing, sarcastic and funny... our own brand of humor I guess...

I haven't chatted with her in awhile because we have both been busy with our world. She has her busy life in Australia and I have my own chaos here in the Philippines. And tonight we finally had the chance to catch up after weeks of no contact.

Our conversation inadvertently switched into talking about the male species. We were talking about how guys never know what they got. And when we were about to say goodbye she was wishing me luck on some personal issue where I just replied by saying: "That's life I guess..."

The funniest line came from her: "Hindi life yun… stupidity." She went on saying how the possible was already there and they just keep on hoping for the impossible. I can't specifically say what we were talking about but it had to do with the opposite sex. It had to do with oppurtunities, possibilities, circumstances and the whole kazaam... seriously funny stuff.

In connection with the conversation about the other gender I just have to post these quotations I got off some Xanga.com sites...

--I need a boy to give me a good hug and say, "I'm sorry my gender sucks." (I LOVE THIS ONE)
--You never really stop loving someone you just learn to live without them.
--If he's the first person you look for when you walk into a room, he might just be a little more than a friend.
--My dream is to hear rocks hitting the window and see you standing in the rain.
--To continue loving somebody even though there's no chance of that love ever thriving... that's romance.
--When he's nearby my entire body knows it.
--Don't you just hate it when your falling for that one boy and you keep telling yourself to stop before you get hurt but your heart won't let you?
--Oh... the things I'll do for a boy who won't do anything for me.
--Boy: I love you
Girl: Where did that come from?
Boy: My heart... (AWWW)
--Every girl, no matter how strong she is, wants someone to save her.
--There's a someone out there for everyone, except this is the world's biggest game of hide and seek, and you bet that he found the best hiding spot he could find. And he's waiting for you to find him, or better yet, maybe he'll get tired of waiting and come find you.
--You hit me with the truth but I think a bus would have hurt less.
--But young love is adorable, the kind where a boy will do anything to sit next to that girl he's had his eye on since the first day he met her.
--Just once in my life I want someone else to kiss first. I want someone else to lie awake and wonder what the right words are, if they'll be rejected, if they're ruining a great friendship. I want him to want me so much that he can't help himself, that he's willing to risk everything for a chance to be with me. (HERE! HERE! HAHA)
--Nice guys became extinct along with all the dinosaurs. (A lot of guys would probably argue with me on this one)
--Unless it's mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it's a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life, and LOVE shouldn't be one of them. (I totally agree with this one)
--Sometimes I think we fall in love because our HEARTS are beating too loud to hear our minds screaming "Don't do this to yourself."
--It's easy to fall in love... but the hard part is to find someone who'll catch you.
--Cinderella walked on broken glass. Sleeping beauty let a whole lifetime pass. Belle fell in love with a hideous beast. Pocahontas risked her life for a feast. Jasmine could have had anyone instead she chose a poor man. Ariel walked on land all for love and for life. It was all about blood, sweat & tears... I guess loves all about facing your biggest fears.
--I wonder when I pass by does his stomach do a flip? Does he get nervous? Does he ignore his friends, just to look at me? Does he wait to see my smile? Does he get sweaty palms? Does he think to himself ... "Oh gosh here she comes?"
--Love is when you walk all the way to the other side of the classroom to sharpen your pencil in order to walk by him, then realizing that your pencil is a mechanical one. (CUTE!)

For The Lack Of A Better Title PART 2

I changed my layout to fit the whole Christmas season. But you could also say that my other layout had problems. I like this one though. It's a bit festive and sad at the same time. My usual Christmas sentiment I guess. I'm up for the holidays as much as the next person but I have my own reasons as to why I feel sad during this season. I wrote in an attempt to continue telling my story on the whole leadership training thing. I probably should begin with that.

After dinner, we headed for the hall where we held our training because we wanted to meet with the youth of LAKAS who met every Friday night to talk about what they did in school. There was this one girl who said that she was disappointed because she got 14 out of 15 in a Math quiz. We Thomasians were dumb founded by her statement. That girl was one hell of an over achiever.

That first night when we returned to our host families I was pretty tired. I did not sleep on the bus that morning and it was a pretty draining ride. I felt guilty because when Zel and I returned on the second night I was also drained. I just slept and I only got to talk to Nanay Isang when we first got to the house to settle in and in the mornings before we headed back to the library.

I headed straight for the bed when we returned. Zel was asking me about my Journalism classes and college life in general (since we’re both taking up the course but I’m a year older) and about other random stuff. I can’t really remember. I do recall that I was in bed by 10:30. I dozed off as she was writing in her notebook.

I woke up from my sleep when I heard Zel's voice. She was outside talking to Tatay Toto and one of his sons. I did not have the energy to get out of bed though. I felt like I was glued on the bed. My eyes felt so heavy like hooks were attached to them just to keep them shut. She told me the next morning that they talked until 12:30 about politics and a lot of other stuff.

But I really didn’t sleep too well. I kept waking up every two hours because namamahay yung katawan ko. It was a whole new place and I needed to get used to it. We set our alarm at 5 in the morning because we were instructed to fetch our own water from the poso so that we wouldn't disrupt the family's routine. We did wake up at 5 but we got up at 5:30. Zel and I are both not morning people. But it was harder for her to get out of bed than me.

When were ready to get water we saw that there were already two pales of water near the bathroom so we got water after we both took a bath. That morning was the first time I got water out of a poso. Call me whatever but it was an awesome experience. A little daunting because a few of the locals were watching us.

After breakfast, we had out first session with the elders and instructors of the leadership training. I remember that we were focusing on ourselves in the first part. The first thing we were asked to do was to get anything around us that we felt represented ourselves. I got a pebble, there were rocks, leaves, grass roots, a bamboo stalk, a plant and even a cell phone (courtesy of our beloved Allan). It was the beginning of us getting to know each other's thoughts and ideas.

I remember that morning we were also told about the Johari window in their own version where the upper left part of the heart was bukas (open), the upper right was sarado (closed), the lower left was bulag (blind) and the lower right was sorpresa (surprise). Our weaknesses were exposed in that activity.

Our instructors had a lot of “ice breakers” as they called them. There were the different types of clap and a bunch of songs. It helped loosen us up in between topics. That morning Ka Puroy (Sir Froilan Alipao) arrived and so did Ate Cords, Ate Renee, Ate Sharon and Kuya Joyeth (the students who couldn’t leave with us that Friday morning). They were the ones who had to introduce themselves that morning.

I’m going to continue this in another entry because I don’t want to jam everything in one entry. I am also trying to recall what happened that morning. Until the third part!

For The Lack Of A Better Title

I am not able to think of an appropriate title for a life altering event and so I decided to leave it alone... the story and lessons are much more important anyway.

Last weekend from Nov. 17-19, 2006, I attended a Leadership Training Adventure in Lubos na Alyansa ng mga Katutubong Ayta ng Sambales (LAKAS) Bihawo, Mambog, Botolan, Zambales sponsored by the Arts & Letters Student Council for the class presidents of the faculty. I was very apprehensive to join this seminar because I did not know that much people in the faculty except for my blockmates and a few other people outside my class. We were encouraged to join but we had the option to say no if our parents won't allow us.

I could have said no and to be completely honest I wanted to. I wanted to because I was scared. I've always had excuses to avoid getting into unfamiliar situations. I have let a lot of oppurtunities pass in my short life time. Although I can't really say that I regret making those decisions because as the saying goes: "There's no use crying over spilt milk." I wanted those decisions I made in the past. I know that I have to take responsibility of them.

This time I could not find any valid excuse to let myself off the hook. And I did not feel like I really wanted to get out of this. There was this big part of me that was so afraid of what I was getting into but I heard this little voice in my head say that I needed this. I heard that voice tell me that I should stop running away from life. Sir Emer's words these week on experience and how it is something personal could not be that far from what the little voice's sentiment was.

So I mustered up all the courage I could and reassured myself that everything was going to be okay. When Friday morning came there were only a few of us who arrived before the call time. I remember seeing Allan, Tiff, Char and Sir Robert Ampil arrive. And when Sir Lino Baron arrived at Plaza Mayor in front of UST's Main Building, he was mad at how there were only about six people in the meeting place. We actually left UST at around 7 'o clock.

It was a pretty quiet ride on the way to Bacolor, Pampanga (we had a side trip to San Guilliermo Church) because we didn't know each other. There were about 21 of us on the bus so you could imagine how spacious it was. Kuya Milfen was even joking about how we could play hide and seek on the bus.

Most of the students who came were from the first year classes. There was Allan from Economics, Brigette and Anna from Political Science, Tiff and Char from Asian Studies, Tei, Cheenee and Zel from Journalism, RJ from Philosophy and Nica from Behavioral Science. There were only two of us from the second year classes. JP from Sociology and me from Journalism. Then the third year classes were represented by Kuya Roel from Sociology, Kuya JC, Aaron and Itchan from AB-BSE. The only fourth year people on the bus with us were Ate Jang from AB-BSE and Kuya Milfen from Legal Management. Then the other fourth year students Ate Cords from Journalism, Ate Renee, Sharon and Kuya Joyeth from Sociology arrived on Saturday. Sir Ampil and Sir Froilan / Ka Puroy were the professors who accompanied us while Sir Baron just wanted to see the place.

People were starting to loosen up once we got to Bacolor. Although you could still feel the apprehension of trying to talk to someone you don't know. We were a bit more relaxed when we stopped at the market area in Botolan proper. We had lunch there because we got to Zambales at around 11:30. We were already getting to know each other by this point and I was already loosening up a bit. By the time we got to Lakas, we were already laughing about random stuff. The light atmosphere I must attribute to Allan who has a great sense of humor. The lunch and long ride helped me feel a bit more secure around them.

We arrived at this community of indigenous people who lived in houses partly made of cement and bahay kubo materials. It was a very homey and unpretentious place. The children were already out looking at us eagerly. It took us a long time to park in the community because the bus driver had a hard time turning at this one corner and when we finally got settled we were greeted by their chairman or head Tatay Carling. He was this pudgy man who was very warm pleasant and jolly. He gave us a tour of the facilities we were going to use. Sir Lino even got a chance to know what pieces of equipment the community needed which could be donated by the faculty.

The tension was gone by the time we were oriented and introduced to one another. We were told that we were going to live with host families who would be taking us in as their children. We drew lots and there would be two of us per family and I, along with Zel, lived with Tatay Toto and his family. He had ten children and we only got to meet him on Saturday because he was out that Friday. Tatay Toto was a very jolly man who enjoyed making jokes. Nanay Isang, the quiet and sweet mother, was the one who let us into their home which was very comfortable and homey like all the houses there. What we pretty much did at their homes were rest and when we had the time chat with the families. We spent our time in this place they called the library because it contained their books and other facilities. This was where we ate our meals and in those few days, this was where we students bonded.

The first night was a rest night for us because the elders wanted to wait for the other students and they wanted to give us a chance to rest. This was the time when we truly began to get to know each other. We were talking about our professors and our experiences in the college. We were slowly becoming friends by this time. We spent the night laughing and talking in that library area before we headed home to our respective host families.

I will continue this story in my next entry because I don't want to overwhelm you guys with details. I'm just narrating what happened to us. I will talk about my thoughts and the lessons I learned in that next entry. I'll be going now... wait for the second part!

Binding

I'm in the process of filling my Multiply account with stuff. I just got one and I'm going to advertise it here because I am cross posting with Multiply blog. Whatever I write here would show up in my account. I now have a place to put pictures and write my reviews and stuff. I won't let go of this account because I have too much history with this site. I'm still writing this entry in my Blogger acount and not in the Multiply one. I'm old fashion in that sense. I can't let things go. I just wanted to give another update because I have been relatively busy this week and I might talk about the Zambales trip in my next entry (especially for those people who wanted to hear about it).

Here's my Multiply account, check it out when you can and add me as a contact if you want to:

http://twistedhalo04.multiply.com

Just Checking In

I'll be heading off on Friday for a little adventure... I'll be part of a Leadership Training Seminar in Zambales courtesy of the ABSC (Arts & Letters Student Council). I do not know what to expect but I'm hoping for the best. We will be immersed in an established Aeta community in Botolan, Zambales. This is something very new to me so I'm just waiting to see what's going to happen to me.

I can't say that I've gotten into the groove of studying yet. I'm still unbelievably lazy. There aren't any extraordinary stories that I can tell at the moment. You could say that there is still a lull between my current activities that involve two things: home and school. Although there was this great basketball this afternoon. The AB Men's team won against the Engineering team! I extend my congratulations to the players, even if I don't know any of them personally... : )

I just wanted to give a little update. I'm a whole lot better since the last time I wrote in. I want to thank the people who were comforting me here. I needed that. I have to go now though. I still have to wash the dishes. I'll most likely have an update next week after my weekend trip. Bye!

Trying To "Hang In There"

I'm a smorgasbord of sentiments at the moment and I need to face them right here because if I don't I might lose my mind... now where should I start?

Well, I saw a friend today who was leaving for the States in the very near future. I do not know when I'd see him again... it saddens me really. I've never felt this sad when he told the news to me a few weeks ago but seeing him made me realize the gravity of the situation. He's just a big part of my life. We've been through a lot and he has helped me a lot... I'm going to miss him terribly... to be completely and utterly honest with myself. If someone told be a few years back that I'd be friends even good friends with him, I probably would not have believed them. I was so wrong about him and now I have to say goodbye... it's just not fair.

With his leaving another emotion sprung out of me aside from sadness... I felt lost. I should rather say that I feel lost. I still feel like a part of me is missing. I've lost touch with a lot of people I promised myself I never would lose contact with and it saddens me. That's why I feel lost... a part of me has gone missing with them and I feel so alone right now...

I just want to say thank you to SARAH who left a message on my tagboard that said "HANG IN THERE". That is something I needed to hear at the moment. I feel like I'm not being the person I want to become and I can't seem to find anyone to talk to... I just don't have the heart to intrude into other people's lives. I feel like I'm always trying to fit into everyone else's lives and it's starting to take a toll on me...

I'm losing people left and right while I can't seem to find anyone who is willing to stay and for once listen to me. This is probably a result of keeping everyone at an arm's length... no one is willingly staying behind. Probably a result of my never asking them to as well. And to sum it all up: I'm just a lonely person with no one to talk to.

Sarah's right though... I'm just going to keep fighting, try living and continue being who I am... I'm going to try my best to be a good daughter, sister, friend and student... mostly I feel that I should be a better person for myself. I know I deserve better... surrender is not an option in this situation.

Testing My Limits

Today was the first day of my second semester. I wasn't really in the mood when I got up this morning. All I wanted to do was crawl back into bed and sleep. Of course I did not do that and even if I wanted to I probably wouldn't have because I can't run away from my life. I'm a college student and at this moment that is my life.

It was a pretty good day though. Got to see my friends again and since I only met the first batch of our professors I have to say that we have an interesting bunch. My classes this semester include: Theology (Social Catholic something, I forgot), English (Public Speaking, not to keen about that one but as I was thinking this morning I guess this is the time to test my limits... I just have to see what I can do), Math (Statistics, interesting... let's see if I can handle this class... although I am wondering how much harder this is than my last Stat class), Philippine History (I'm being taught by the chair of the Student Welfare Development Board in the Office of Student Affairs which means that she handles all the organizations inside the university AND she's married to my Stat prof... you read that right... they are married which we think is actually a cute thing!).

I have four more professors to meet tomorrow... let's see what they bring to the table. I'm a little excited to do some work... I'm all about testing my limits at the moment. I would try to take every challenge that I could handle let's see where that takes me. This might be an even more interesting semester than the last one...

I'm going now. I know I promised I won't play The Sims on weekdays but since we don't have anything for tomorrow yet I am playing to my hearts content tonight. I know that I over indulge myself... whatever. HAHA Bye!

Milk The Cow

I'm milking this vacation for what its worth... that's what I've been up to.

I have been playing The Sims 2 with all the expansion packs lately because that would be lessened to a once a week thing every weekend... when I'm not busy anyway...

Busy... hmmm... I will definitely be busy in this upcoming sem... I have to. I must work harder and that is honestly pretty daunting but let's see what happens.

I'm not online as much because of Sim playing... I'm milking the cow for what its worth... in this case anyway, I am being a complete and utter sloth... can't seem to motivate myself to be anything else. I will probably be in overdrive next week. See I can't even come up with a decent entry right now. This entry is waste of time... just an update for everyone... I guess...

Are You Just Like Me?

In the quiet moments of the night, those last few minutes before I think I am about to fall asleep, all the thoughts I continuously try to supress seem to find solace in those last few minutes. Have you ever been that honest with yourself?

I'm the type of person who never really talks about her emotions. I mean verbally and some times even when I write as well. When someone asks me how I am the constant answer would be: "Okay lang". We all answer that way maybe because it is our way of saying "Don't ask anymore questions, I am not interested in talking about my feelings..."

It makes me uncomfortable. Talking about my emotions I mean. I guess I just don't want people prodding in my business. Then again I have this blog and I am talking about this feeling right now and when people prod I actually enjoy it. I am definitely "scary and damaged"... okay more Grey's Anatomy talk right here! HAHA Finally finished Season 2... FYI.

As I said, I am "scary and damaged" in that sense. Could I blame it on my birth month and astrological sign because I read in Seventeen.com that "I have the insatiable need to be adored"... maybe this is my way of getting attention. Trying to be indifferent when everyone knows I am not. (I'm self-analyzing at this moment so don't mind me.)

And that could probably be the moment when my late night honesty sessions come in. I never write those feelings. I'm too lazy to. Wouldn't you be as well especially when you are on the brink of sleep and then your brain decides to surprise you with its "revelations"? It is disturbingly funny how I can never be that honest while I am awake...

I'm too guarded and protective of myself, my friends, my family and everything else in my life... it gets really tiring but I just can't seem to lighten up. You see I even guard my thoughts... I censor myself from myself... it's pretty sick and interesting from a certain perspective.

So does anyone else feel the same way?

Does anyone else feel the need to hide how they truly feel because of the complications the emotions may bring?

Does anyone else feel so protective of their own thoughts and emotions that they start to hide it even from themselves?

Is anyone as paranoid and scared and vulnerable as I am?

Somehow I think I'm not the only one... maybe everyone else is just scared to admit it.

I'm Definitely Coming Out

Okay this is not a declaration of anything related to my gender issues... not that I have any anyway!

I'm just coming out of the little rut I created for myself this week. I have been avoiding this blog or any other form of communication with the outside world. I spent this last few days under the spell of Brooke, Lucas, Peyton, Dr. McDreamy and McSteamy, Christina, George... I have been having a Grey's Anatomy and One Tree Hill marathon, I am now officially caught up with the current episode of OTH except for episode 5 which I am retrieving right now... great!

I buried myself in these two shows because I was afraid... afraid of what you may ask? I was afraid of my grades... our clearance is going to happen on Saturday along with the enrolment so I have been tripping all week because my brother already had his clearance last Monday I think and at least he had the reassurance that he was already okay for enrolment and he passed all hs subjects while I had no idea whatsoever about my standing... it was honestly driving me crazy!

It seems petty I know to waste time worrying about grades, the numerical equivalence of the over all performance for a semester, but what if those grades determine your future? Let's face it no matter how we try to say that they are just numbers, those numbers still determine what's going to happen to us for the next semester and then the next and the next...

I have a lot riding on my grades, I'm still trying to process my scholarship and that would go down the drain if I get a failing mark. And deep inside me I still want to be on the Dean's List. That just gives me the reassurance that I am actually doing something right with my time. It gives me the reassurance that my hard work pays off...

I was just a complete wreck this entire week although nobody really knew it because I was in hiding. I buried myself in the shows because for the forty minute episodes I forgot about my worries... I heard my dad say once: "There is no point in worrying because if something did happen then you worried too soon and if nothing did then you wasted your time..." but somehow that never really helped me. I'm still the same paranoid girl even after he said that. But those two shows just drowned everything out... think of it as my poison, my alcohol...

And now that I'm free of the worries because the grades were finally posted online, I can now breathe and feed my own addiction some more... I am going now because I'm going to watch more Grey's Anatomy... "I'm feeding the beast..." (Okay if you are an avid viewer of the show you would totally get that comment...)

Creativity For Personal Gratification

I'm always contemplative at night, right at that moment before I fall asleep. I suddenly get these wierd and interesting ideas which I can't get into paper because I am just too lazy to get up and I want my beauty sleep.

Right now it is 12:05 am and I just felt like writing in. Since I am not sleepy I took the time to pass by here. And speaking of passing by, I just passed by this special on Evanescence in Studio 23 in lieu with their new album Open Door and Amy Lee was talking about how she tends to get into this trance like state when she writes and at this time all her creative thoughts arise from misery and sadness but in the end she just wants to break free and be happy.

That statement inspired me to write myself. Whenever I come up with new stuff for this blog or a poem or a story (something I haven't done in a long time) I am usually inspired by events I see on television, a movie, a book, a strange comment from my dad (he has a lot of that!) or any new observation around me... I draw inspiration from a lot of things and today I was actually feeling somewhat creatively drained... I so badly wanted to write something yet I could not come up with any decent thought worth being put down on paper.

I draw from bad experiences more as well probably because bad experiences evoke a lot of emotions we rarely tap in when we are "blissfully" happy and content. And probably because we love seeing other people miserable and knowing that they express that misery in something concrete it makes us feel better about our own situation... let's face it, every single moment we come up with something new it is all just for personal gratification. I'm not denying that. We are born to be selfish that is why it is an extraordinary act to be generous towards other people. I believe my own creativity is a result of my wanting to feel better about myself. I'm not denying that... I never have and I never will...

See, this is why I enjoy writing at night... I did say I was contemplative at night right?

Here's To Everything Random

Okay I just discovered this through Candymag.com pretty cool stuff... haha do you think I can star in my own Asian Telenovela now? HAHAHA



I also got this from Candy blog... just wanted to share it with all of you... and speaking of soundtracks... I just saw Elizabethtown! Finally... I will talk about that in another entry... that deserves an entry by itself... I so want to talk about that next time but for the mean time...

If your life was a movie, what would the soundtrack be?
Opening Credits: Let Go by Dave Lichens
Waking Up: Move Along by All American Rejects
Falling In Love: Unbelievable by Craig David
Fight Song: I Predict A Riot by Kaiser Chiefs
Breaking Up: Long Way To Happy by Pink
Making up: Honestly by Bethany Joy Lenz
Life's Ok: Unwritten by Natasha Beddingfield
Mental Breakdown: Vienna by Billy Joel
Driving: Put Your Records On by Corinne Bailey Rae
Flashbacks: I've Got A Dark Alley And A Bad Idea That Says You Should Shut Your Mouth (summer song) by Fall Out Boy
Happy Dance: SOS by Rihanna
Regretting: Hurt by Christina Aguilera
Final Battle: It Ends Tonight by All American Rejects
Death Scene: Hide And Seek by Imogen Heap
Final Credits: Heaven by Live

Cheers to everyone!

My 7th Day

Today is my 7th day. I have worked so hard this week and now I can rest... it was totally insane... finals week... blah! HAHA Yesterday was fun though. Through out the week every single one of my blockmates looked like they haven't slept, I looked that way too...

But college life is still treating us well. There are still good times, laughs, jokes, memories, GUYS... fun fun fun times... but I just have to say this... I DO NOT recommend you people to watch My First Wedding. Unless you just want to laugh senselessly... no substance and plot... good thing we were still all in high spirits since it was the last day and I still thank Ana for treating us to that movie... a good bonding experience it was indeed... I miss them already. Too bad we did not have pictures... hmm...

I'm so happy that I'm in my relaxed mode now although I do not know where to start cleaning... yes... I will be spending my sem break cleaning and as Tets and Mae put it... "BEING PRODUCTIVE". Let's see how productive I could actually be...

Before I go there's been this thought and resolution that has been looming around my head and if you noticed with this resolution I changed my layout... I love the colors of this one! So pretty... o.O HAHA

As I was saying... here are a few things I want to resolve... my post first sem resolutions...

• I will do things because I want to do them...

  I will not live inside other people's stupid expectations and dogma...

  I will lose weight because it makes me feel good and not because I am trying to impress anyone, especially no guy...

  I will dress up in anyway I want because as Tets' puts it... "I dress to express not to impress"

  I will speak up when I feel like I have something important to say...

  I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired this is my time to act...

Simple words and seemingly impossible but what the heck... this time I won't let anyone stop me from letting me be myself... easier said than done but then again...

I CAN PROVE YOU WRONG.

No Strings Attached, Honestly?

Wierd thought...

When we don't want commitment. When we don't want to get hurt or complicate the situation, we cover it up by saying that there are NO STRINGS ATTACHED... there won't be hurt feelings or misunderstandings. The prettier cousin of FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS.

I don't have anything against anyone who subscribes to these notions because I admit that I do use it sometimes... yes I have friends with benefits! HAHA Who am I fooling with that statement?! I want Friends With Benefits, the One Tree Hill Soundtrack I mean. Okay seriously, even I think that sometimes in certain situations there are no strings attached. Everything is purely platonic and stable, I believe there are no unwanted surprises around the corner. The what you see is what you get mentality... this WYSIWYG mentality could be no strings attached sister... okay I apologise for the overuse of familial association. That would be the last.

But honestly could we say that there would be NO STRINGS ATTACHED? This could be applied to any type of relationship (i.e. work, school, friend, love). I choose to put it in the context of my favorite topic: LOVE. I develop feelings towards people under my "type" where I say that I'm just looking for an inspiration of some sorts; hence I say that there are no strings attached. And then I realize that slowly I tie the strings up together, slowly I get attached. It does not matter if I know him personally... I just get attached.

With my situation I don't believe that I can have a relationship of any sort without the strings or the commitment attached to it. There has to be that link. Think of it by saying to someone that there are no strings attached aren't you already promising them that string of hope that there really is nothing there. I don't know if that makes sense. Any relationship no matter how serious or not serious it is still has strings. Playing the field still has strings... someone will still get attached.

Life's really something isn't it...

When It Is All Over

Stealing a moment just to say that I'm still alive... I swamped with academic load but I just could not resist to drop by tonight why you may ask? Because I have been bit by the lonely bug again... yes I feel alone and isolated at the moment...

But before all the drama I just want to say: GO USTE!!! HAHA I just could not resist!

I just want to extend my congratulations to both the WOMEN and MEN's Basketball Team Senior Division! You made all Thomasians proud!! An added congrats to Dylan Ababou and Allan Evangelista, our beloved irregular blockmates during History period!

It is funny to see and experience the frenzy around the campus... although I wasn't able to watch the concert... I wasn't able to see someone... but I did see him three times though... hmm... whatever! I'm a little obsessed at the moment... HAHA anyway, it is just a great time for all Thomasian students... definitely ONE FOR UST!

And now I don't really have the energy to talk about all negative feelings or should I just say I don't want to talk about my loneliness anymore... I have better things to do with my time... and now come to think of it the title of this entry has nothing to do with the content... maybe it should read:

WHEN IT IS ALL OVER... WE'RE STILL PROUD

Cheers to all the Thomasians out there! VIVA STO. TOMAS!!!

Of Victories and Veronica Mars

I had a great Thursday afternoon! Actually it was a good Thursday afternoon for the entire Thomasian community...

After 7 years of being deprived the championship game, the UST Growling Tigers finally made it into the finals against the Ateneo Blue Eagles... I know that they deserve it... they have worked hard for it...

What's great was that I was there! The 250 pesos I splurged on the lower box tickets were worth it! It was fantastic!! I still can't stop talking about it! I do hope I get tickets from my tito for Game 1 on Sunday... if not I'm definitely watching on Thursday!

I salute the Tigers for doing so well... I just remembered the lead of the Libre tabloid last Thursday which said that: "The UST Growling Tigers are not where we expected them to be. They are in the finals."

I have never been this excited about basketball before! I have faith that they would give it their all this time! Go Growling Tigers! Go USTe!

I received this text message from a friend of my last night:

"Heroes are made, not born. And this time, a young team proved that they are HEROES in the making... a team ignored by many... a team unexpected to RISE... a team with HIDDEN CLAWS... a team that is destined to GROWL ONCE MORE. It's OUR TEAM. We're on for the Championship!"

No matter what other people say it is for the pride of our school... it unites the student body in a way I can not even explain... call it shallow or whatever... it is pretty much what it still is. A victory...

Now I move on to the second part of my entry... Veronica Mars... I love this show, there isn't anything like it... I just loved this dialogue between Logan and Veronica... I love them together (more than Duncan and Veronica)...

Logan: I thought our story was epic, you know? You and me.
Veronica: Epic how?
Logan: Spanning years, and continents. Lives ruined and blood shed. Epic. But summer's almost here, and we won't see each other at all. And then you'll leave town, and then... it's over.
Veronica: Logan...
Logan: I'm sorry about last summer. You know, if I could do it over...
Veronica: Come on. Ruined lives? Bloodshed? You really think a relationship should be that hard?
Logan: No one writes songs about the ones that come easy.

I especially love the last line... I'm such a sucker for lines like those... only a few people can write songs about easy relationships... is it easier to write about all our heartaches because a lot of people experience it more? We never get tired of talking about our heartaches... I know I'm guilty of doing that... I wonder why that is the case...

No one writes songs about the ones that come easy...

I Don't Even Know What To Write About Anymore

I miss writing... I miss being productive through writing... okay this is totally lame since I just finished the cause and effect essay for my English class this afternoon and I know that counts as writing but those sort of things are academic of nature...

I miss writing about things that I love to talk about... love, friendship, the world around me, my observations, my obsessions, my quirky thoughts on everything! I haven't written a poem for months already... words are bleeding through my ears yet I don't seem to have the time to organize them all even my school papers are scattered here at home! I do not even have time for that... it is funny how I still find time for this... probably because this is my last link to my kind of writing... free writing... whatever...

I'm in a good mood tonight... tired but in a good mood because we can finally conduct our interview for our Filipino class... that thing has been bothering me for quite some time and we had a major glitch this morning but through the wonders of Mayi and Parpie everything is okay now and we can conduct the interview tomorrow... projects do really haunt you everyday don't they? Nikki (not me but my friend) is definitely right about that statement...

Now I don't know what to say... this entries title is right... I don't even know what to write about anymore... school's been draining me recently... blah... but I really can't complain though... at least I'm still living... see I am definitely in a good mood... a total 180 degree turn from my last miserable entry... just went through something crappy at that time but I am no longer wasting my energy on that... life's simply too short and beautiful to be wasted on stuff like that.

Dettach The Attachment

Physical attachment is a painful thing so emotional attachment must be harder to deal with right? I don't get why we get so attached towards various things and people. We justify by saying that things have memories and sentimental values. CRAP. Then we shouldn't throw out other things in the process because they might have "sentimental value" as well... whatever.

Okay... it is probably obvious that I am pissed off at the moment and I just can't hide that fact anymore... I'm more mad at myself than anyone else to be honest. Because I am one of those sentimental people. Really is a bunch of crap... I can't seem to figure out attachment. I hate it. How easy it sticks yet how hard it is to let it go... crap, crap crap... everything just feels like crap at this moment. ARGH! Whatever...

I have an inner war going on inside of me between my pragmatic self and the dreamer and things are starting to get ugly... it is hard to feel miserable especially when you're trying to look for good things to look forward to. And to be honest being miserable is winning inside me at the moment. I hate feeling this way to be honest. I'm very optimistic but once all my supposed happiness gets shattered I do tend to be very hard on myself.

I know that the only way to somehow forget about this is to be productive yet I can't think of anything else... can I have some sort of selective amnesia thing... okay too much to wish for and I am careful with what I wish for...

It is official I feel like shit because not even the song "A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes" from Cinderella is NOT making me feel any better... I need to seriously dettach myself...

"I CAN LIVE INSIDE MY HEAD..."

I'm playing it over and over and over again... I'm talking about the song "On My Own" and "A Little Fall Of Rain" from the musical "Les Miserables"... add "Waiting In Vain" by Annie Lenox and Bamboo's cover of that same song... speaking of covers I love Fall Out Boy's cover of "So Sick" by Ne-Yo...

I have turned into a sap again... this may have been triggered by watching the 1o year anniversary production of UST Mediartrix entitled "2 D Max"... it reminded me of their Les Miserables production last year. Rembert lost 2 hours off his class time by watching this with me, he asked me to join him though! HEHE I'm turning defensive I know...

Like this entry's title suggests, taken from the lyrics of "On My Own" by the way... I am living inside my head at the moment... I guess I'm just feeling a bit sentimental that's all... a little lonely perhaps... pent up emotions are starting to get the best of me... still pining for something probably... something that doesn't belong to me. Did I just rhyme all of that??

Anyway, I apologize for any confusion this may cause. I am letting my heart lead this entry... behind each song up there is a common theme: MARTYRDOM... I'm not talking about risking one's life for the sake of the country or religion. I'm talking about something a little bit more local... the martyr in all of us... the martyrs of love...

There are so many of us in this world. Yes I am definitely a martyr... probably the reason why I'm still single but that's another story. I don't have a big cause. I did not give myself up for a cause that would rock the entire planet. But I do give myself up for a cause that shakes MY entire world. The cause which involves my own heart.

This heart of mine has been shielded ever since out of the fear of getting hurt yet somehow through the recesses there would always be someone who would be able to get through and then they would never leave again. That brings me both happiness and then followed by the shadow of melancholy for the words left unsaid and the unpursued actions...

I'm a martyr in the sense that as long as they are happy I try to be as well... I put their emotions before mine. Not wanting to cause turmoil even if I'm already experiencing an inner war... I live through the small gestures and looks that sustain that feeling in me. I see all of it as acts of love even though it may be through my ownperspective only...

I'm a martyr because I'll never confess... okay that probably just makes me stupid but out of the fear of destroying what is already there I'd rather not speak, especially when there is so much at stake.

It gets hard to bear believe me especially since martyrs are never heard of... what I mean is that because we are martyrs then we'd rather not speak of anything regarding it but when we do it would always seem that others would always be first. That's the root of martyrdom isn't it? Then I must be in over my head... it' s hard and I'm having one of the hard to bear days at the moment so that doesn't help...

I just live inside my head, my heart, my soul... will someone ever save this martyr from herself???

My Sur-"REAL" Life

Haven't blogged in awhile!!! I miss it!!! And I'm going to update everyone on my "real" life...

Last night I was at Saisaki in West Avenue celebrating Che-che's 18th birthday... we are growing old I tell you!!! And it was a lot of fun seeing my number one ladies after a long time... we weren't complete but at least we only lacked three people...

I just miss my high school gang... even our close guy friends were there... a little bit of my own heaven in a little room... good food... wonderful friends... I miss them so much...

My life today still consists mostly of my studies but at least for ONE day I was taken away from it... I wasn't at home the entire day from 8:30 in the morning until 4:45 and then I left again at 6 pm... talk about hectic...

Anyway, I was out of the house at 8:30 because our Filipino professor had us watch this play entitled "Walang Himala" at PETA somewhere in E. Rodriguez, Quezon City... an excellent play about the Filipino people before, after and during the Marcos Regime... if you have time go see it... I think they are still showing it today and next weekend... not really sure...

And then I headed to SM North with Pia to buy Che's gift... funny story on our way to SM... she was also watching the play I was and from E. Rod we rode a jeep going back to Welcome to ride another one to SM... those who know that area get what I mean... and somewhere in E. Rod there was this really cute guy (meaning my type... a bit tall, maputi, a bit mestizo, CUTE! HAHA a plus was that he was wearing glasses... really really cute...) who was with this girl and I really did not tell Pia at first but later on she was just laughing at me... anyway we got off a bit early in Welcome and when the jeep forwarded a bit I saw that they got off as well... and then they were also waiting for another ride... Pia and I moved a bit farther from them and then I saw them ride a Proj 6 jeep where I suddenly had the idea that they were going to SM... anyway... while Pia and I were in another jeep on the way to SM... the jeep that passed us in the right side I saw the guy again as he looked out! I just told Pia, "Tama ba yung nakita ko?" (Am I seeing clearly?) And Pia was just laughing... and then in SM after we met up with Lance... on our way to National we saw the guy again!!! Pia was just laughing saying... "Sinusundan ka ata..." (He's following you) and I was just happy and ecstatic and kilig HAHA... nothing else happened really I'm just happy with the coincidence that's all... I'm so shallow I know...

Anyway... here are the pics from last night...

With Ria, my other best friend... thank you again for the gift... loved it...

Pia, Raymond!!!, Me-mae

Mae, Lance, Anntots, Ion... they look like they had too much to drink, although alcohol wasn't even served... HAHAHA

With the Birthday Girl... Che... pretty ladies!!!

Me & Pchan!!!!

I was used as an arm rest!!! Thanks Raymond... from bottom left to top right: me, Pia, Che, Raymond, Ramon, Jiro, Richard

Here's to the best of friends... Pchan & Che...

Me-mae

One of the guys??? Pchan said so... HEHE

Party People!! And the exhausted host!!

More Party People!!! Ria, Jolo, moi, Pchan

How most of the night went... look at Ion! HAHA

The most wonderful people in the world!!!

Then they went crazy.... HAHA

Ang tatlong Maria... bow...

Our Little Reunion...

Thanks for everything... friends forever...

Pretty ladies... Anntots, Ion...

That's all folks...

Update

I'm guilty of not blogging for over a week already... still busy... a bit crazy actually but manageable. Haven't had any meltdowns since the last entry and I appreciate all the concern of the people around me. Everyone has been great.

I again want to greet my best friend a belated happy birthday!!! Love you Rianne!!

I still need to learn a thing or two about time management like right now when I should be studying I am blogging... but I haven't done this in a week and since it is the weekend... I have lived in organized chaos since my tender years and I have to start cleaning up my act I know... I will do my best to fulfill that mission!

A lot of things have happened usually school related so here is all the update I can probably give... been in class, finally finished reporting in History although our professor wasn't present but she still wanted me to report anyway (I don't know how that will work out), my topic outline was finally approved so I can start my introductory essay. Oh and one special thing, we had the Recognition Day last Thursday for last semester's Dean's List... I made it again with a 1.4 something GPA!! WOOHOO!! Yehey for me!

And now I am preparing for another round of recitation in Filipino with at least 80 pages to read again, no longer surprised about that. Read new handouts for Journalism. Reviewing my notes on Meteorology for Natural Science, which is a bit tricky. Read on the other Southeast Asia countries for History. Write the first draft of my introductory essay on extracurricular activities for English.

My life is filled with school related matters at the moment while I'm obviously squeezing in me-time in between. Che's having a birthday dinner on Sept. 2 which I am excited about and in that same day, in the morning, I'll be watching a play in PETA entitled "Walang Himala" for my Filipino class... a busy day this Saturday is going to be.

A bit of a useless entry it seems but this helps declutter my mind. Hope everyone else's minds are clear!

Crying Lady

I'm sleepy, sleepy, sleepy... a little whiny but not as whiny as I was two nights ago... I had a pretty good PE class that afternoon but the weight of the Filipino project weighed down on me afterwards...

And as a result of that I did something that I haven't done in a long time... I cried... okay I cried when Pia and I watched Click but this was the first time I cried out of stress and frustration. This was the first time I cried in class since I entered UST, yes I was inside our room and I just cracked. My next class did not begin yet so the crying thing was before my Philosophy class. I broke down a bit out of frustration as Ge and Parpie were telling me about the progress on our Filipino project. And before that I really did looked drained, Ana and Edree said so. I looked pale and stuff, a result of the stress.

I didn't go ballastic though. I was just silently crying. My blockmates were trying to comfort me which wasn't helping because it made me cry even more. I got over it quickly though I just needed the outlet. The semester's frustration was somehow released in a few minutes spent crying. What can I say? It was my own little Mariah Carey (nervous breakdown). Edree was pretty surprised with my little episode because she said that it was totally unlike me which is the truth most of the time but I am human after all...

I still have a lot of things to do though... the weekend plus the class suspension on Monday is just enough to get me by... I have to submit another topic outline because my topic was rejected for an essay in English class (that added to the stress) although that is a bit of a blessing in disguise because I then do not have to write the entire first draft of my essay, I just have to submit an outline, okay two outlines because she has us doing one more on personal freedom. Then I have to research on the types of conscience for Philosophy although I do not need that until Thursday. At least I finished my Filipino paper but I will check it tomorrow morning before I meet up with Mayi at UST because our papers have to be bound so I'll be at UST tomorrow around 11 to meet up wth Mayi and but I'll probably be at the library first. I have to make my report for History this weekend too on Cambodia, I have a presentation on Wednesday.

Okay I just needed to get out what I need to accomplish this weekend. It's crazy but there is nothing I could do. Just work harder I guess and smile... something I forget to do. Life is still good... the tears just helped wash away all the pain and frustration for me so that I will be able to see the brand new day. May all of you be able to do the same.

I'm Just Being Totally Random

Ever felt inspired but trapped by the confines of reality? I have. I am.

Ever been filled with so many ideas that nothing comes out? I have. I am.

This is starting to feel like a poem. It isn't really. They're just ramblings, random musings from the random girl would probably be more appropriate.

I miss writing. I take advantage of it too much.

I was asked what I enjoyed writing about. I said love. Partly true but mostly I love writing about my observations, my thoughts.

Great. I come up with this now. Why couldn't I have thought of that before? My dad always said that hind sight is always 20/20... I really must have clear eyes at the back of my head...

I'm not making sense again. Is this underage thinking? Wait, I am not "underage" anymore, legally anyway... I think Teddy Geiger's affecting my thinking... too much "Underage Thinking" or should I say Thinking Underage?

See, totally random.

Laugh Along With Life

I have this feeling my newly bought cd would be in the player for a long time... I finally got Dashboard Confessional's MTV Unplugged album... all I can say is OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! There really is something behind Chris Carrabba's voice... and lyrics... hits the nail on the head... that could probably be my best description, as of the moment anyway...

Just saw Click today... good movie... everyone should see it... loved it of course! Sappy and funny all rolled into one. "FAMILY FIRST..." that damn scene made me cry! Okay, I'm a cry baby... but Pia was crying too!

Speeding through life, that was what the movie instilled in me, aside from valuing loved ones... Adam's character wanted to speed through the rough patches in life. Don't we all feel that way sometimes? I know I do. I'm a very non-confrontational person and usually would love to speed through arguments...

Anyway, I have episodes of wanting things to stop, of wanting things to be over and done with. That's part of life I guess. But there is also this quotation talking about how the things which we most fear give us the greatest satisfaction... something like that anyway.

Well what I probably am trying to get at is the age old saying that: EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. Even if we have no clue as to what that reason may be...

A funny thing life can be at times... yet few people are laughing along with it. How come?

A Romantic In A Cynical World, A Cynic In A Romantic World

After a grueling exam week that came to an end with a literal bang thanks to Sir Olivar! Easy test? NOT! Anyway, here goes a presentation of random thoughts flowing through my head this past week...

Wouldn't it be great if life were as flexible as the promises in all those chain letters being sent through out the years... send this to 20 people then you'll find the love of your life! Just like that!

Okay this is starting to turn a bit cynical... but then again it is more for pragmatic reasons that is why I am about to say the next thing... I used to wish those things were to come true... I used to be one of those people who forwarded those things in hope of finding my true love (since that was usually what they guaranteed). But look where that brought me... 18 years old... never had a boyfriend... but I'm not trekking down that road again. Too much angst and drama behind that.

Anyway, wishing for love... we all do that at some point we find it, it finds us, or it just leaves us waiting. We all know the ending but we still hope for it to find us. No matter what other people say we still need love to survive (okay the romantic is starting to kick in), of course it won't provide food for the table but what would life be without it? Seriously... just think about that.

I have never been seriously wooed in my entire life. No flowers, no chocolates, no declarations of undying love... I have been living under the radar of a world where romance is one of the greatest things and biggest problems. Yet without personal experience, the prevalance of romantically inclined movies, people who are actively showing off their emotions towards their partners (i.e. Public Display of Affection), songs instilled with euphemisms towards love gained, lost, in waiting... I can't help but feel like I know a thing or two about it... about love that is.

Although maybe my notion is slightly glamorized due to those things mentioned... but as I am slowly growing older (see I said growing older not growing up! hehe) the highly romanticized love, the ideal partner is becoming non-existent... because as a kid fairy tales were probably all the romance I could get, then I turned to romantic movies... and now even if all the romantic gestures still make me go weak in the knees... I am no longer expecting that to happen to me (sorry turning cynical again)...

I still crave romance around me but not towards me... because the more I expect, the more I wish for it, the more my heart breaks each time. I put my heart on my sleeve and it just returns battered and defeated. I am slowly putting to rest the notion that anyone would actually fall in love with me (okay I'm now a major sap... thankyouverymuch).

The ideal person, the standards are still there don't get me wrong because no matter how much faith I lost in my own love life, I still believe in falling in love... I still believe in that happily ever after, the fairy tale romance even if it isn't directed at me.

I am truly contradicting myself I know and now I have one more. The ideal person that I believe in isn't what is usually presented before me, I am surprised to find myself attracted to people I never expected to be attracted to... too much idealism I guess makes you turn towards the other direction. But no such luck with that as well...

Now what is love anyway? It can't be the ideal person, because let's face it we rarely get that. Is it the pitter-patter of the heart, the security, the warmth, sex? Why do we still chase after something we can't even understand? A question even I can't answer... because I usually am the person in my title today: "A Romantic In A Cynical World, A Cynic In A Romantic World"... a contradiction... a complete opposite.

And to contradict all my personal notions about love here are songs that still make me believe in it, these songs pretty much share my point of view on love:

When It Isn't Like It Should Be
--Reminds me of someone...

Fix You
--The light I certainly crave...

Chasing Cars
--Seriously... Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

The Simple Things In Life

I just turned 18... yesterday. WOOHOO! Okay that was fun...

Anyway, I did not have a party or anything... it is a milestone I know but due to my family's financial situation I just could not afford to do anything. BUT... I did have a great pre-birthday! And a pretty good birthday in itself...

Last August 3, Rembert invited me for ice cream at Mcdo. He got out of class at around 4 while I got out at 1. I had a couple of things to do at school and I did want to see him so I agreed to meet up. And his timing was excellent because I did not have anything to do for the next day.

Anyway, I arrived at that title because that afternoon before I met up with Rembert I was with Apa because she did not want to go home too. After unsuccessfully getting my uniform from my PE professor and then returning to the Dean's office to find a room for our makeup class for Filipino. After Apa's vindication over the "over due" book that was in the library all along, a quick stop at OSA to see if there was actually progress on my scholarship application, I asked her if she wanted to have lunch with me since I think it was about 1:30 or something. We head to Lacson and ate at Binggay's a good little carinderia near the corner of Dapitan.

Our long walk around the campus garnered a lot of interesting conversation. We were walking from one side of the university to another by the way. While we were eating we were talking about anything and everything in between. Her life, my life. It was fun. I had porkchop, she had liver steak. It was a bright, clear day. Good food, good company, good day... we somehow got to mentioning that these were the simple things in life. And those simple things needed one more thing: DIRTY ICE CREAM. Okay, so it is sort of an in-house dirty ice cream place in UST but it is still dirty ice cream. A little piece of heaven in a 10 peso cone.

Manong ice cream (I forgot who coined that term) was located at the corner of the main building that day near the Health Service and after that we went to Plaza Calderon because I felt that it was a logical place to meet Rembert. We were talking for about an hour or so before she left and the atmosphere there was great too.

Around 3:30 Rembert arrived. He got out of class early and then I was engaged in another great conversation. I love those small intimate talking sessions. Although we were mostly trying to catch up with each other since the last time we saw each other was ironically last school year. We go to the same university yet it took us a year to get together. Go figure... we blame it on our schedules!

He treated me to seriously I forgot what they call that. The one with oreos in them... and since as usual McDonald's was packed with students we ate outside the fast food chain. It was fun watching people go by and him wanting to give the high school students his uniform.

It was a great day. I don't know if I mentioned the simple things in life to him but that afternoon really was the best example of those little happy memories. I was happy. I haven't been that happy in a long time to be honest. He treated me to ice cream because he didn't have class on my birthday! Thank you dude! You do not know how much that means to me. I'm an easy girl to please. Everything I guess was just moving too fast. I needed that afternoon.

And then on my birthday, there was also a little agitation from the Dean's office and the wacked out system for paying for the tuition fee. It was crazy. That's all I can say about that. But I pretty much had a good "academic day". I got 30 over 40 in my Filipino quiz (which was supposed to be at 5 in the afternoon but Sir Eros took our History period, our last class at 10 so we got out of class early). I got a 100 plus 5 in my hands-on html application exam in Computer. After class Meg, Edree, Apa and I ate at Binggay's again. I treated them to drinks. All I could afford. Then we went to Edree's because they were working on their LTS thing. I just hung out. I took a breather that afternoon.

Still got into the simple things in life. Although my feet did hurt yesterday, because after heading to Piy Margal (where Edree's dorm was) we went back to the Eng Complex to get our uniform which we successfully got. Then I headed back to the Main Building to check on the scholarship, no progress yet. And then I before I was about to head home. I stopped by the chapel. I haven't done that in a long time but I needed to do that for myself. Just a little thank you for the past 18 years. A thank you for wonderful friends, family and for living itself. I feel like crying because I still feel blessed, amidst the problems. I'm still living... and in the words of India Arie, in her song "Just 4 2day":

"Just for today I will not worry what tomorrow will bring..."
"I don't know what's gonna happen that's alright with me. I'll open up my arms andI'll embrace the mystery..."

And on my birthday night, I was chatting with Rembert again... that was great too. I celebrated my post birthday online with him and Pchan. He told me that I was 18 y.o. and 1 day... HAHA crazy.

Everything that has transpired woud seem ordinary in the eyes of an observer but to me these past two days were one of the best days in my life. I was pulled out of a terrible slump this past week. I even went to the point where I felt that this was going to be the worst birthday ever. I guess in expecting nothing I got more than I could have wanted.

And before I go... more birthday stuff but not mine... I haven't done this in a long time... pictures from Meg's debut last July 29 at Aberdeen Court.

The debutante: Meg

Group Pictures!! 2jrn1 family

With Ge

With Mae

Long entry... would probably be gone for the week... prelim week... thanks for all the greetings people. I appreciate it A LOT. See you around... those who read this anyway!

Youth Isn't Always Wasted On The Young

We were watching a replay episode of NBC's Today Show and the Today's Concert Series guest was Dashboard Confessional (this episode was last Thursday I think) and of course I watched it. Anyway it they were playing Hands Down as their last song and since it is a pretty popular and good song even I was singing along. And when the camera was showing the ground you could see the teens singing along. My mom commented saying "Diyan sila magaling" (That's what they are good at). She was talking about the audience and their response by the way.

The thought just occured to me while I was washing the dishes after dinner and after watching the replay of this weeks One Tree Hill episode entitled "With Tired Eyes, Tired Minds, Tired Souls, We Slept". There was this girl named Abby Brown, one of the hostages in the room, who said:

"What's wrong with you? He's just a kid. We're all just kids and we just have this life and the things you say and do, we feel that. How can you have so much hate in your heart? How can you act like it doesn't matter? It does matter. What happened to us? We're just kids. We can't be like this. It's not possible."

Kids... that is what we still pretty much are. That is still what I am. I am still the child who is scared of the dangers and obstacles in the real world. I'm still scared of the real world. I still crave my parents approval. I still look upon others at times when I do not know what the heck I am even doing.

In less then a week I am going to be somehow placed in a different category again... I'll be seen as a true blue "young adult" even if my insides aren't prepared for the transition.

And I feel inside me that I am not prepared. I'm still a kid. Those singing along to Dashboard Confessional are still kids. We equate youth with carefreeness yet somehow we force the teens to grow up too fast, most of the times unwittingly so.

The exact comment my mom made is not really of that much importance. What it implies is what matters. Adults force us to be just like them. Sometimes they want us to be better than them so they could live vicariously through us.

We are the youth I understand that. We have responsibilities as we grow up I know that. I just wish that they'd cut us some slack sometimes. We get what goes on around us most of the time. We know how to be serious sometimes we punish ourselves even more than they do.

You say we don't understand the world. Maybe from your perspective. Don't you think that we are developing our own understanding?

My Journ professor Sir Esguerra said that we should not judge yesterday's newspapers by today's standards. Shouldn't that be the same too with other aspects? Like adolescent exuberance perhaps? I just want to repeat what Abby said... "We're all just kids and we just have this life and the things you say and do, we feel that."

Didn't Get In

I didn't get into this year's council... too bad... just received the email this afternoon... but there is something funny about the situation though... it is something I have always wanted and I didn't get it yet I'm not really that sad... a bit disappointed perhaps but it doesn't make me want to give up everything all together... I feel a bit inspired by it I guess... it makes me want to work harder on everything else maybe next year it would be my time. Who knows?

I know I'll work there in a few years... I can feel it. I really need to grow more I guess... I have more to do. Maybe that is a good thing, maybe I need to experience that one thing I was about to give up first.

I guess the signature on my Teen Talk account holds true:

"Whatever I really need, I already have and whatever I don't have will come to me when I am ready to receive it..."

This too:

It is madness... to hate all roses because you got scratched with one thorn, to give up on your dreams because one didn't come true, to lose faith in prayers because one was not answered, to give up on your efforts because one of them failed, to condemn all you friends because one betrayed you, not to believe in love because someone was unfaithful or didn't love you back, to throw away all your chances to be happy because you didn't succeed on the first attempt. I hope that as you go on your way you don't give up... TRUST GOD.

Let's just see what happens...

Little Update

I was at Candy yesterday! Technically anyway... we were in a seminar room of some sort. I was one of the interviewees at this Click Here! The editors were so nice and cool!

It was fun... exciting... I'm dropping something though... whether or not I get the gig up there... I'm giving up one thing. I really really want that... if the Candy editors pass by this!!!

Been busy... been hectic... still scared... just a little update since I'm in the Computer lab right now... given permission to browse since I'm done with our exercise...

I'd better go... it is Meg's debut tomorrow... I'll be at SM San Lazaro after class with Edree and Ana... Edree's buying a gift for Meg. Better go! Bye!

Two Great Nights

As of this moment, there are no classes tomorrow. A total relief for me.

First reason, I want to sleep. Second, I don't feel like going to class tomorrow. Third, I still have the Filipino recitation to worry about for Tuesday... I've studied and I am continuing to study but our professor is one tough nut to crack, to say the least. I just want to get through it without him having to remind me of the schedule of summer classes. No matter how I prepare it would all fall on to the question he wants to ask me. I am literally scared.

Then my last reason is I want to watch the Miss Universe Pageant tomorrow morning... a bit shallow but I guess I'm just used to watching the pageant each year since forever (well for as long as I can remember anyway). I haven't missed that show, ever since I began being aware of what it actually was and when I started watching.

I saw RV last night courtesy of our own birthday girl, Ria. Pia, Anne and I were treated to movie and dinner (at Max) in Eastwood. It was my first time there... call me a provincial... maybe just a homebody... I'm not really the clubbing type but I could hit the scene though not regularly, just not into it that much.

Anyway, we were brought by her dad accompanied by her siblings and then they just let us do our own thing. It was fun, a bit sad because out of the original 10 there were only 4 of us... damn schedules! HEHE It was nice just to sit and talk over dinner about anything and everything. Something I missed doing with my barkada... it makes me miss them more!

The movie was also a laugh trip. If you are looking for a good laugh, watch this movie. Murphy's Law was certainly applied, i.e. IF ANYTHING CAN GO WRONG, IT WILL...

It was a great night... good food, a little shopping (mostly for Anne HEHE), good movie and excellent company... I really miss my girls...

A Statement An Expression Call It What You Like

Damn it... he still looks good... Rianne probably knows who I'm talking about ("FIRST LOVE NEVER DIES")! HAHA We are both going crazy... I'm just saying that he still looks good... even I don't know what I mean by that... haven't really seen him recently... I just thank the powers of the World Wide Web... I don't even know why I am talking about this right now. I'm just on stalker mode I guess.

Moving on...

I am still on a little hiatus due to a lot of responsibilities in the real world. But I just felt like typing I guess. Doing a little freehand writing... wait is that what its called?

I just thought of a topic though...

Expression and when it hinders, when it helps, when it is repressed...

There is just a lot of controversy around our faculty today. Let us just say that it is starting to feel like... I can't think of a proper euphemism. Well it is constricting to say the least. I am not personally being invaded or whatever but it affects a lot of those around me and it of course bounces back to me in a way.

We all have our own way of expressing ourselves, some with spoken words, others with numbers, some with the written word, some with their bodies and some with brushes. It is all just a matter of what God-given talent one possesses. And that talent helps in the creation of an expression.

Then there is also perspective and social milieu and background. Expression is an outlet of emotion, perspective, belief, and talent. Through our lifestyle, clothing, words and actions we are portraying an alter ego, a personality or our true selves.

So when what is the boundary? What is the limit? When should a statement be curtailed? When it is harmful? When it is just an expression? When it disrupts the status quo?

I honestly do not have answers to those questions... an opinion perhaps... what is going on in the world anyway??? Why are some people still stuck onto their personal space? Can't we all just get along, compromise and see the big picture?

Up In An Academic Could

I currently live in a world filled with letters, words, numbers, stars, galaxies and the solar system. That is why I'm going to watch Pirates today!!! Okay so Orlando Bloom is the bigger reason but somehow I do want to get out of my academic cloud.

I'm currently in the American Period studying the history of Philippine Journalism at that time. I am in the solar system studying every single celestial body Sir Olivar wants us to study. I'm living in html paradise for Computer lab (luckily were doing a personal site and I am making mine a fan site for One Tree Hill). I'm living in the period of the Last Emperor of the Manchurian dynasty Henry Pu Yi for a paper for my History class.

I'm emerged in the Murphy's Law (If anything can go wrong, it will.) for an essay for my Expository Essay Writing Class (English 102). I'm living in Christian Ethics and its Biblical Foundations for my Ethics class. I'm dizzying myself with numbers as we just finished simple interest and now moving into compound interest for my Finance class. And I'm living in the differences of Filipino and Pilipino language because of the 80 something pages that I have to read for a recitation with Sir Atalia on Tuesday.

And then there's basketball... the time when we get to forget everything else... there are just so many balls bouncing up and down... HAHA

Oh and we just got out of an ugly thing with Sir Olivar (even if it wasn't our fault in the first place) because of a few people in class and the responsibility lies on my shoulders although a couple of them helped me carry the weight (I thank them and apologize for the trauma).

Just wanted to give an update as to where I am currently. Trying to fit everything in and managing somehow. I still get to sleep at least 6 hours a day... sometimes more. I value my sleeping time... besides I can't study when my eyes are tired already. So for a quarter or so of today I am going to enjoy myself before I resume reading for my Filipino class. I'd better go...