YEAH It's 2007!!! Almost...

Okay I've been MIA these past few days because I've been busy and I really didn't have any stories to tell... I know I haven't finished talking about my Zambales experience but I just don't have it in me right now to write about that. For Pete's sake it's almost 2007 (okay I don't know Pete but I enjoy using that expression!HAHA) and I feel like I'm ready for this new year... I've gained interesting insight these past few days and I plan to put it into practice. It seems like a resolution and I guess I resolved to grow...

I've had a pretty interesting year. We all probably felt that way. I've gained friends, lost a few, lost and discovered myself, lost faith and then believed again, and I laugh and cried where I recall one time doing both... I felt a LOT of things. It has been a struggle and I won't deny that but it has all been wickedly cool if you ask me.

These past two weeks I've been doing some subtle changes in myself and my look. I got my hair cut on the 23. I just wanted the change and I've been sporting black polish last week. It was just a fashion statement really. I've been too scared to do that before feeling like I couldn't pull it off but guess what I did! HAHA

I discovered that things do turn out the way we want them to. I know there's an entry here that contradicts this statement and so I use the word DISCOVERED. Anyway, things turn out the way we want them to but not in the superficial level but it comes as a result of our inner desires sometimes we get what we want unconsciously (I'm not just talking about the good things). We attract what we want and don't want because we put so much effort into both things. I've learned this the hard way.

This coming year I resolve to forget all the bad things and concentrate on the good things in my life. So what if I lost and gained weight this year?! So what if I got my heart broken?! So what if I failed sometimes?! So what if I didn't always get what I expected I would?! I have begun throwing away all those bad stuff out my window. It's taking up way too much space. Enough is enough I guess.

I know that now is my time to be thankful for the wonderful people I surround myself with. For the good health that I'm still enjoying. For the quality education. For the laughs I shared with my loved ones. For the necessities and some desires I am able to enjoy. I know I'm a lucky person I'm just not as thankful as I should be. That's what I plan to put into practice...

Now here's to hoping that everyone shares my perspective. We all have to stop dwelling on the negative. It doesn't help us one bit...

Hope you all had a blast in 2006!

Now let us welcome 2007 with open arms and be thankful that we're still alive to experience life's beautiful mysteries!! Take care everyone! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Greetings

A Merry & Happy Christmas

to all of you!!!

Have a Wonderful New Year as well!!!

Hope this past year was good to you... MWAH!!!

Dampened Holiday Spirit

Christmas is three days away but aside from the "vacation" I'm not as festive as I used to be... it could be the pile of school work I have hanging over my head, other problems, my single status (wahahaha sorry I could not help but add that) or just the fact that I'm no longer the little kid waiting for the beautiful toys I usually got during Christmas... let's face it no matter how much we say that Christmas is a giving and sharing holiday that giving and sharing spirit is usually given to our younger siblings and cousins and children...

I'm not saying that I don't like the holiday. I actually love it because people are just a bit nicer during this time of the season. Some may be that way out of the occasion. Some fake it so much that tupperware doesn't have anything on them. But there is that certain sense of "light heartedness" (if that word even existed) spreading around during this time that it is actually enlightening and heartwarming (okay blame me for being a sentimental fool on that last statement).

I especially love it when people give gifts that were actually well thought of. That's my favorite part because to me the thought behind those presents matter more than the actual object (okay unless someone gives me an ipod for Christmas! HAHA). It may seem like it's all about the presents but in reality it is all about the meaning behind them. I believe that we should give gifts that could actually mean something for our loved ones. For my friends who gave me such thoughtful gifts I just have to extend my heartfelt thank you... : )

But as I was saying awhile ago, I still feel like something is missing. I've been feeling rather lost these past few months. I'm caught up in the trivialities of life so the feeling seems to make itself present even more right now. I can't really pin point it but I just wanted to write it down. I feel lost...

It's silly how I let that dampen my holiday spirit but I can't seem to rid myself of the feeling. At least I've been taken out of it for awhile because I have been spending a lot of time with friends both my barkada and college friends...

Paskuhan was great only because my friends were there. I was particularly happy when I saw Mr. Six Pack (don't ask). And to be honest I haven't gotten over the kilig... I'm being a silly girl right now... LOL Just wanted to talk about my emotions really. And right now my spirits are actually feeling a bit better. That's why I love writing because once I have things down on paper (or online) the weight of my world slips away.

And after you read this particular entry, forget about what I said in the first place...

HAPPY and MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!

I'll probably be back before the 24th or 25th...

Something's Definitely Off

I'm a random person and I know I probably said that a couple of times already and here I am repeating it again... I would rather talk about my ridiculous thoughts at the moment than go into the banalities of life. I am aware that I haven't finished my story on the LTA and I promise to get into that soon... hopefully over the weekend.

Mae and I were on our way home yesterday and our conversation landed on the topic of guys and the "off factor"... okay that's not really a term but I'm coining it that way now. We both agreed on how there would always be that something a little "off" when we start to like new guys...

It could probably be our own fault because we are always finding faults in them but if you get what we feel there always seems to be that feeling that something's missing. There's that feeling that something's a little "off". Thus, the "off factor".

It's not just in guys though. It's in all of us... we all have our own mistakes and flaws. Nobody's perfect. An example I can remember is about this "perfect" guy who seemed to have everything but he killed himself after a horrible fight with his girlfriend. She was this guy's weakness. And that makes him imperfect. That makes him human.

The thing about the "off factor" is how much of it are you willing to take. I believe that things in our lives are all compromised. There would always be that "give and take" relationship no matter what. The question becomes an issue of how much are you willing to compromise for that person to become part of your life. Are you willing to see beyond the person's imperfections? Is he or she worth that compromise?

I've been asking myself those questions lately and I'm at a crossroad between letting this one person in or just disregarding my feelings all together. To be honest I feel that he's just not worth it. I feel like I'm not willing to compromise. It seems to be that we're better off as friends anyway. But now another question popped into my mind: Is it really his problem? Or am I the one with the problem? Oh God... why do I feel like this is all my fault?

I know there is something seriously "off" with me... HAHA

(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction

I remember Summer Roberts (Rachel Bilson) utter these words in the second season of The OC: "You only want me when you can't have me..." And Albert Camus's central theme of the "Absurdity of life" in his work Myth of Sisyphus. The pop culture mention is actually supported by the classic's theme. And they both aid in my sentiment at the moment. SATISFACTION. In the famous song of the Rolling Stones: (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction. Those words have never had such bearing in my life until now. Or should I say, I now acknowledge the reality of that statement.

I was talking to Tin, Betsy and Edree last night about satisfaction. We were watching Ge and Joshua help Meg and Tets for their audition for Mediartrix's new production and we got to talking about the things we wished we could do. My major frustration is performing. If I was given the talent to sing and dance well, I would love to be a theater actress. Oh and I would have loved to be an artist but I can't draw to save my life... HAHA

Tin mentioned something about how we always want we don't have. If we could sing, we want to dance. If we dance, we want to sing. It seems that there is always something we want that's just beyond our reach.

I never get satisfaction I admit that and anyone who reads this would be lying to yourselves if you say that you are satisfied with your life at the moment. It's part of the absurdity of life! I don't know what I want in my life and I'm not satisfied because I know there's something missing. I want a lot of things I can't have. I never really put that in writing but now I openly admit it.

I don't know what I wanted out of my previous bitter entry but it did give me a sense of relief. I needed that outlet but I am not saying that I'm satisfied with my situation. Relief is different from satisfaction. I'm still searching for something more. And in the words of Stacie Orrico: "There's gotta be more to life than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me..." I couldn't help myself I really wanted to write that down.

Life's absurd, it's crazy and it doesn't guarantee that it would give us what we want. It would probably give us our satisfaction and happiness in a very unexpected way. And I'm not actually surprised by that idea.

Raw & Exposed

Things never really turn out the way we want them to... I have known this for quite some time and yet I still think that things will turn out the way I want them to.

It's like a disease I tell you. It gets hard as well to think of how you want things to happen and then the complete 360 degree thing happens. I guess life is never really under any obligation to give us what we want. But how come I still ask? It completely sucks to be vulnerable. I hate being too vulnerable and needy. I am a pretty guarded person so I hate it when my defenses crumble.

There will always be that one thing or person or event that would eventually bring my defenses down and when that happens I'm just raw and exposed with no one to turn to because I know that I brought this upon myself in the first place. But how could you stop expecting for things to happen? Is that even humanly possible?

At this moment, I feel so raw and exposed. I know I'm probably not making any sense but I just feel so stripped down. And even if my defenses are scattered all around me I do not have it in me to pick them up again. Why should I? Someone else would break them down again.

I really don't like being vulnerable but life seems to want me to be this way. This is driving me insane by the way. Having no control of my emotions is driving me insane. Okay I don't want to be robotic or anything but for once I just once some semblance of control over how I feel. I'm just a slave to my emotions and vulnerability at this point because things never turn out the way I want them to... and it sucks how I can't seem to let that go.

For The Lack Of A Better Title PART 3

I'm still trying to recall what happened that morning but I can't remember the exact details. I'll just try to narrate what happened after Ate Cords and the others arrived... I think they got there at around 11:30 a.m. so I think they arrived just in time for lunch. That's right now I remember that part.

And if I recall correctly, after lunch we had this sort of puzzle activity where we had to form these square shapes per person that had the exact size of this one square. The catch was that we couldn't talk and we couldn't ask for pieces from our other group mates. It was a good activity actually. I couldn't figure out at first what needed to be done because there was this confusion when they were giving us the instruction. Kuya Roel took in charge of the group and we willingly followed suit. But we had some confusion when there some pieces that didn't quite fit. We clapped at least three times (you were supposed to clap to say that your group was already through with the activity).

After that we had a drawing activity. It's funny how every single leadership training has that whole draw something activity. I guess our drawings tell a lot about ourselves... anyway, we had to draw on one side what contributions UST had on us and what we contributed to UST. A lot of interesting answers and this took a long time to finish (if you visit my MULTIPLY the individual pictures were on this activity). It lasted until snack time.

The next activity had to be one of my favorites because it was fun. We had this sort of pass the message thing (there are pictures of this on my MULTIPLY as well) but this wasn't under any time constraint. This was probably the longest pass the message I played in my life. There was this one relatively long message that had to be passed from Kuya Milfen up to me (I was the last person!). This took us about an hour or so. Ate Cords and I were the last two people. We even got the chance to head to the bathroom and by the time we returned the message wasn't even halfway through all of us! It was funny how I totally got the wrong message... I was able to accurately write down what Ate Cords told me but we got the wrong message. It was fun but it was a great lesson that taught us not to pass any information that we didn't accurately know. Gossip spreads fast and it wouldn't be good if we were the ones who started it.

After that was the part on the types of groups and then the two kinds of leaders. Our instructors acted out very entertaining skits on the types of groups and kinds of leaders. This was the last thing we did that night before dinner. We were already tired and hungry by this time but we had to finish those two topics because after dinner was the solidarity night.

I'm going to talk about the solidarity night and the activities that happened during our last day at Zambales in my next entry... I'm leaving now... bye!