Are You Just Like Me?

In the quiet moments of the night, those last few minutes before I think I am about to fall asleep, all the thoughts I continuously try to supress seem to find solace in those last few minutes. Have you ever been that honest with yourself?

I'm the type of person who never really talks about her emotions. I mean verbally and some times even when I write as well. When someone asks me how I am the constant answer would be: "Okay lang". We all answer that way maybe because it is our way of saying "Don't ask anymore questions, I am not interested in talking about my feelings..."

It makes me uncomfortable. Talking about my emotions I mean. I guess I just don't want people prodding in my business. Then again I have this blog and I am talking about this feeling right now and when people prod I actually enjoy it. I am definitely "scary and damaged"... okay more Grey's Anatomy talk right here! HAHA Finally finished Season 2... FYI.

As I said, I am "scary and damaged" in that sense. Could I blame it on my birth month and astrological sign because I read in Seventeen.com that "I have the insatiable need to be adored"... maybe this is my way of getting attention. Trying to be indifferent when everyone knows I am not. (I'm self-analyzing at this moment so don't mind me.)

And that could probably be the moment when my late night honesty sessions come in. I never write those feelings. I'm too lazy to. Wouldn't you be as well especially when you are on the brink of sleep and then your brain decides to surprise you with its "revelations"? It is disturbingly funny how I can never be that honest while I am awake...

I'm too guarded and protective of myself, my friends, my family and everything else in my life... it gets really tiring but I just can't seem to lighten up. You see I even guard my thoughts... I censor myself from myself... it's pretty sick and interesting from a certain perspective.

So does anyone else feel the same way?

Does anyone else feel the need to hide how they truly feel because of the complications the emotions may bring?

Does anyone else feel so protective of their own thoughts and emotions that they start to hide it even from themselves?

Is anyone as paranoid and scared and vulnerable as I am?

Somehow I think I'm not the only one... maybe everyone else is just scared to admit it.

I'm Definitely Coming Out

Okay this is not a declaration of anything related to my gender issues... not that I have any anyway!

I'm just coming out of the little rut I created for myself this week. I have been avoiding this blog or any other form of communication with the outside world. I spent this last few days under the spell of Brooke, Lucas, Peyton, Dr. McDreamy and McSteamy, Christina, George... I have been having a Grey's Anatomy and One Tree Hill marathon, I am now officially caught up with the current episode of OTH except for episode 5 which I am retrieving right now... great!

I buried myself in these two shows because I was afraid... afraid of what you may ask? I was afraid of my grades... our clearance is going to happen on Saturday along with the enrolment so I have been tripping all week because my brother already had his clearance last Monday I think and at least he had the reassurance that he was already okay for enrolment and he passed all hs subjects while I had no idea whatsoever about my standing... it was honestly driving me crazy!

It seems petty I know to waste time worrying about grades, the numerical equivalence of the over all performance for a semester, but what if those grades determine your future? Let's face it no matter how we try to say that they are just numbers, those numbers still determine what's going to happen to us for the next semester and then the next and the next...

I have a lot riding on my grades, I'm still trying to process my scholarship and that would go down the drain if I get a failing mark. And deep inside me I still want to be on the Dean's List. That just gives me the reassurance that I am actually doing something right with my time. It gives me the reassurance that my hard work pays off...

I was just a complete wreck this entire week although nobody really knew it because I was in hiding. I buried myself in the shows because for the forty minute episodes I forgot about my worries... I heard my dad say once: "There is no point in worrying because if something did happen then you worried too soon and if nothing did then you wasted your time..." but somehow that never really helped me. I'm still the same paranoid girl even after he said that. But those two shows just drowned everything out... think of it as my poison, my alcohol...

And now that I'm free of the worries because the grades were finally posted online, I can now breathe and feed my own addiction some more... I am going now because I'm going to watch more Grey's Anatomy... "I'm feeding the beast..." (Okay if you are an avid viewer of the show you would totally get that comment...)

Creativity For Personal Gratification

I'm always contemplative at night, right at that moment before I fall asleep. I suddenly get these wierd and interesting ideas which I can't get into paper because I am just too lazy to get up and I want my beauty sleep.

Right now it is 12:05 am and I just felt like writing in. Since I am not sleepy I took the time to pass by here. And speaking of passing by, I just passed by this special on Evanescence in Studio 23 in lieu with their new album Open Door and Amy Lee was talking about how she tends to get into this trance like state when she writes and at this time all her creative thoughts arise from misery and sadness but in the end she just wants to break free and be happy.

That statement inspired me to write myself. Whenever I come up with new stuff for this blog or a poem or a story (something I haven't done in a long time) I am usually inspired by events I see on television, a movie, a book, a strange comment from my dad (he has a lot of that!) or any new observation around me... I draw inspiration from a lot of things and today I was actually feeling somewhat creatively drained... I so badly wanted to write something yet I could not come up with any decent thought worth being put down on paper.

I draw from bad experiences more as well probably because bad experiences evoke a lot of emotions we rarely tap in when we are "blissfully" happy and content. And probably because we love seeing other people miserable and knowing that they express that misery in something concrete it makes us feel better about our own situation... let's face it, every single moment we come up with something new it is all just for personal gratification. I'm not denying that. We are born to be selfish that is why it is an extraordinary act to be generous towards other people. I believe my own creativity is a result of my wanting to feel better about myself. I'm not denying that... I never have and I never will...

See, this is why I enjoy writing at night... I did say I was contemplative at night right?