Okay this is not a declaration of anything related to my gender issues... not that I have any anyway!
I'm just coming out of the little rut I created for myself this week. I have been avoiding this blog or any other form of communication with the outside world. I spent this last few days under the spell of Brooke, Lucas, Peyton, Dr. McDreamy and McSteamy, Christina, George... I have been having a Grey's Anatomy and One Tree Hill marathon, I am now officially caught up with the current episode of OTH except for episode 5 which I am retrieving right now... great!
I buried myself in these two shows because I was afraid... afraid of what you may ask? I was afraid of my grades... our clearance is going to happen on Saturday along with the enrolment so I have been tripping all week because my brother already had his clearance last Monday I think and at least he had the reassurance that he was already okay for enrolment and he passed all hs subjects while I had no idea whatsoever about my standing... it was honestly driving me crazy!
It seems petty I know to waste time worrying about grades, the numerical equivalence of the over all performance for a semester, but what if those grades determine your future? Let's face it no matter how we try to say that they are just numbers, those numbers still determine what's going to happen to us for the next semester and then the next and the next...
I have a lot riding on my grades, I'm still trying to process my scholarship and that would go down the drain if I get a failing mark. And deep inside me I still want to be on the Dean's List. That just gives me the reassurance that I am actually doing something right with my time. It gives me the reassurance that my hard work pays off...
I was just a complete wreck this entire week although nobody really knew it because I was in hiding. I buried myself in the shows because for the forty minute episodes I forgot about my worries... I heard my dad say once: "There is no point in worrying because if something did happen then you worried too soon and if nothing did then you wasted your time..." but somehow that never really helped me. I'm still the same paranoid girl even after he said that. But those two shows just drowned everything out... think of it as my poison, my alcohol...
And now that I'm free of the worries because the grades were finally posted online, I can now breathe and feed my own addiction some more... I am going now because I'm going to watch more Grey's Anatomy... "I'm feeding the beast..." (Okay if you are an avid viewer of the show you would totally get that comment...)
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