My Life's Like Painted Nails

I enjoy staring at my nails when they're freshly manicured. I don't go to the salon or anything. I paint them myself. I think having someone else do it is an unnecessary expense. They aren't perfect. There are jagged edges. Spilt polish on the edges but somewhat neat. They're hot pink now except for the thumb on my left hand. That one's red with a black heart on it. I put the heart on with a black whiteboard marker.

I find it rather therapeutic now. Before I was frustrated by it because it was never perfect. It was all sloppy and stuff but through practice I'm starting to get the hang of painting my own nails. I find that certain sense of accomplishment through it. At least I can do something myself.

That one different nail has a huge significance for me. It was never considered normal to have different colors of nails in one use. I know a bunch of people who do that and I know it's out of wanting that individual touch. In my case, it's pretty much the same sentiment.

I want to be reminded that I'm an individual with my own story. My life should be like that nail. I want to stand out more than anything. I want to be myself more than anything. I paint it that way to remind myself of that idea.

It's hard to be your own person in a society that doesn't accept differences so easily. The different person or culture is always the enemy. There's no room for accepting the fact that we are all created equal. No one is greater than the other. There maybe those people who are well off financially but that does not make them any better than anyone else. Professor Esguerra (my 2nd year Journalism professor)once told us that when we have to interview influential people all we have to remember that even if they eat more expensive food, they all come out the same anyway. We're all human and that's the bottom line.

I censor whatever I do because of society's influence. I know that. But I also know that it's not just them that stops me from doing what I want. It's my fault mostly. I let myself be carried away by society's influence.

It's more secure that way isn't it? Blending in and accepting society's expectations. But I want nothing more than be able to spill out of the edges of life and do my own thing without being told not to because it's not "normal" to think that way. Now don't get me started on what's normal!

I just want to live a life of meaning, satisfaction, and love. I want a life where there's acceptance. No one is perfect but everyone's still equal. Perfection is a standard we create ourselves. It's not universal.

I want to be like the left thumb I painted different. I want to stand on my own feet and be my own person. I know how easy it is to say it but to get ahead in this life fitting into the normal seems necessary. Does it really have to be that way? I won't be accepted if I take the alternative route all the time. That's the truth. People aren't as forgiving as they seem.

The Right Man

That picture up there started all this talk. All this stuff about the right man began because of that man up there. I would love it if he were the one but that something that wouldn't never come to fruition. Jeez... he might be the end of me.

Before you think this is another MatsuJun adoration entry. I'm going to stop you there. I admit that he is rather easy on the eyes and I can stare at him all day but that's not what I'm here for. Since I'm talking about the right man, I might as well have fun with it. I'm so easy to please.

I have never found him more attractive than in that picture. Of course I have a lot of others that I love and I would want nothing else than to stare at all of them all day but this one really struck a cord in me.

That has to be one of the sexiest things I've seen. I'm attracted to smart eye candies. Intelligence is such a big turn on for me. If a guy takes time to read, that would be great. Now if you are as good looking as this guy, then I might ask you to marry me! HAHA

I'll be a hypocrite if I said looks didn't matter but that doesn't have much staying power. If I see how much of an arrogant jerk a guy is, then sayonara dude. Sorry none of that for me.

The right guy for me has to have dreams. I need to know that he has ambition. It doesn't matter what he does as long as he pursues that with passion.

He has to have a sense of humor. He must be able to laugh at himself. I'm such a serious person that I need someone who could crack me up. It doesn't take much to be honest.

He has to have a good value system. He has to know right from wrong. I don't mind him going after what he wants. There is something to going against the establishment when you know you're right but he just has to know his limits.

I already mentioned intelligence. That's important to me. Beauty fades. If he's able to hold a conversation. If he makes me think aside from making my heart flutter, then I'm good to go.

That's it. I can't think of any other non-negotiable aside from the ones I mentioned in the entry before this. You see I'm pretty easy to please. I read in an old Seveteen magazine that some things are worth the wait. I agree. The right man maybe just around the corner. I know it would be worth the wait.

The New Journey

I wrote this entry about a "dream guy" two years ago. HERE it is to be exact. I was pissed off that day. The top half of the entry says it all.

I was battling with unsettling feelings I had towards this guy. And I just graduated. The endorphins were not with me and emotions were definitely running high. But I was able to conjure up the "dream guy" I had in mind.

When I read that now I know that most of what I described was in one of my favorite Will & Grace's episode. It was a wedding for one of their friends and this is one of my favorite lines from any TV show. Here's the exact quote from that episode:

That I am complete within myself so I don't have to look to you to complete me.

I knew before but never acknowledged that it was a fantasy description. I conjured up the dream guy any other girl would love to have. If my friends read that, they would probably agree. It's a fantasy we all want to be part of. To be loved inspite of ourselves. Who doesn't want that?

But what does change in two years? Well my surroundings and situation changed. I mentioned earlier that I just graduated and idealism and dreams were still running high. The dreams and idealism are still up there but the emotions present after I graduated already subsided.

The hysterics have already died down. I'm now left to journey alone and discover myself and what makes me who I am. You could say that it's a journey into my essence... the "Nicole-ness" of it all. Man that sounds stupid. LOL

I've been single since birth. I've watched too many Hollywood romantic movies and shows. I've read wonderful love stories. I have seen people who are in love. I'm no longer clamoring for that immediate warmth of a significant other. Now I'm on a path trying to learn about what I can give up and what my non-negotiables are. I'm at the beginning of a voyage of finding that life mate.

I'm one of those people who want to settle down one day. I don't want flings. I don't want temporary relationships that won't head anywhere. I'm in the game for the real thing. Those are some of my non-negotiables. The most important ones I might add.

I will continue this in another entry with the description of the right guy. I'm no longer looking for the dream guy. That ship has sailed. Dreams either come true or they don't. I'm just over it.