My Life's Like Painted Nails

I enjoy staring at my nails when they're freshly manicured. I don't go to the salon or anything. I paint them myself. I think having someone else do it is an unnecessary expense. They aren't perfect. There are jagged edges. Spilt polish on the edges but somewhat neat. They're hot pink now except for the thumb on my left hand. That one's red with a black heart on it. I put the heart on with a black whiteboard marker.

I find it rather therapeutic now. Before I was frustrated by it because it was never perfect. It was all sloppy and stuff but through practice I'm starting to get the hang of painting my own nails. I find that certain sense of accomplishment through it. At least I can do something myself.

That one different nail has a huge significance for me. It was never considered normal to have different colors of nails in one use. I know a bunch of people who do that and I know it's out of wanting that individual touch. In my case, it's pretty much the same sentiment.

I want to be reminded that I'm an individual with my own story. My life should be like that nail. I want to stand out more than anything. I want to be myself more than anything. I paint it that way to remind myself of that idea.

It's hard to be your own person in a society that doesn't accept differences so easily. The different person or culture is always the enemy. There's no room for accepting the fact that we are all created equal. No one is greater than the other. There maybe those people who are well off financially but that does not make them any better than anyone else. Professor Esguerra (my 2nd year Journalism professor)once told us that when we have to interview influential people all we have to remember that even if they eat more expensive food, they all come out the same anyway. We're all human and that's the bottom line.

I censor whatever I do because of society's influence. I know that. But I also know that it's not just them that stops me from doing what I want. It's my fault mostly. I let myself be carried away by society's influence.

It's more secure that way isn't it? Blending in and accepting society's expectations. But I want nothing more than be able to spill out of the edges of life and do my own thing without being told not to because it's not "normal" to think that way. Now don't get me started on what's normal!

I just want to live a life of meaning, satisfaction, and love. I want a life where there's acceptance. No one is perfect but everyone's still equal. Perfection is a standard we create ourselves. It's not universal.

I want to be like the left thumb I painted different. I want to stand on my own feet and be my own person. I know how easy it is to say it but to get ahead in this life fitting into the normal seems necessary. Does it really have to be that way? I won't be accepted if I take the alternative route all the time. That's the truth. People aren't as forgiving as they seem.

The Right Man

That picture up there started all this talk. All this stuff about the right man began because of that man up there. I would love it if he were the one but that something that wouldn't never come to fruition. Jeez... he might be the end of me.

Before you think this is another MatsuJun adoration entry. I'm going to stop you there. I admit that he is rather easy on the eyes and I can stare at him all day but that's not what I'm here for. Since I'm talking about the right man, I might as well have fun with it. I'm so easy to please.

I have never found him more attractive than in that picture. Of course I have a lot of others that I love and I would want nothing else than to stare at all of them all day but this one really struck a cord in me.

That has to be one of the sexiest things I've seen. I'm attracted to smart eye candies. Intelligence is such a big turn on for me. If a guy takes time to read, that would be great. Now if you are as good looking as this guy, then I might ask you to marry me! HAHA

I'll be a hypocrite if I said looks didn't matter but that doesn't have much staying power. If I see how much of an arrogant jerk a guy is, then sayonara dude. Sorry none of that for me.

The right guy for me has to have dreams. I need to know that he has ambition. It doesn't matter what he does as long as he pursues that with passion.

He has to have a sense of humor. He must be able to laugh at himself. I'm such a serious person that I need someone who could crack me up. It doesn't take much to be honest.

He has to have a good value system. He has to know right from wrong. I don't mind him going after what he wants. There is something to going against the establishment when you know you're right but he just has to know his limits.

I already mentioned intelligence. That's important to me. Beauty fades. If he's able to hold a conversation. If he makes me think aside from making my heart flutter, then I'm good to go.

That's it. I can't think of any other non-negotiable aside from the ones I mentioned in the entry before this. You see I'm pretty easy to please. I read in an old Seveteen magazine that some things are worth the wait. I agree. The right man maybe just around the corner. I know it would be worth the wait.

The New Journey

I wrote this entry about a "dream guy" two years ago. HERE it is to be exact. I was pissed off that day. The top half of the entry says it all.

I was battling with unsettling feelings I had towards this guy. And I just graduated. The endorphins were not with me and emotions were definitely running high. But I was able to conjure up the "dream guy" I had in mind.

When I read that now I know that most of what I described was in one of my favorite Will & Grace's episode. It was a wedding for one of their friends and this is one of my favorite lines from any TV show. Here's the exact quote from that episode:

That I am complete within myself so I don't have to look to you to complete me.

I knew before but never acknowledged that it was a fantasy description. I conjured up the dream guy any other girl would love to have. If my friends read that, they would probably agree. It's a fantasy we all want to be part of. To be loved inspite of ourselves. Who doesn't want that?

But what does change in two years? Well my surroundings and situation changed. I mentioned earlier that I just graduated and idealism and dreams were still running high. The dreams and idealism are still up there but the emotions present after I graduated already subsided.

The hysterics have already died down. I'm now left to journey alone and discover myself and what makes me who I am. You could say that it's a journey into my essence... the "Nicole-ness" of it all. Man that sounds stupid. LOL

I've been single since birth. I've watched too many Hollywood romantic movies and shows. I've read wonderful love stories. I have seen people who are in love. I'm no longer clamoring for that immediate warmth of a significant other. Now I'm on a path trying to learn about what I can give up and what my non-negotiables are. I'm at the beginning of a voyage of finding that life mate.

I'm one of those people who want to settle down one day. I don't want flings. I don't want temporary relationships that won't head anywhere. I'm in the game for the real thing. Those are some of my non-negotiables. The most important ones I might add.

I will continue this in another entry with the description of the right guy. I'm no longer looking for the dream guy. That ship has sailed. Dreams either come true or they don't. I'm just over it.

A Bum's Tribute To Summer 2007

Summer's winding down already. The hallowed halls of the Royal and Pontifical University are beckoning me to come back. I am switching back and forth between wanting to go back to school or living my life as a bum forever. Since the second option is an impossible but appealing choice, I have to accept the fact that I have to go back to school in June.

But before I retire my summer attitude of being unreasonably lazy, I have to pay tribute to the last work free summer of my life. Coming June I'm certain that my life would be heading down this stress filled path that I can never turn my back to.

I'm celebrating and acknowledging the bum in me today! And as my title suggests, I shall pay homage to my favorite time of the year. There are a bunch of things I love about summer. In no particular order of preference, I shall name my favorite things about this summer 2007.

1. Celebrating the good work I've done in the past semester by becoming totally lazy and letting my mind go into hibernation from all the work it's done for the past few months.

2. Being able to sleep and wake up any time I want because I'm not restricted by the schedule of the aforementioned university.

3. I can say yes to all g-mik's and trips without hesitation because there are no school obligations and responsibilities to be fulfilled.

4. Cleaning. Yes, I enjoy leafing through the stuff I've ignored for the past months because I was under a pile of school work. It brings back a bunch of memories and I'm able to look for stuff I could actually still use.

5. Indulging my fangirl tendencies. From discovering new loves to rekindling old flames of obsession, summer has been the perfect time to indulge in all things gorgeous or should I say the perfect time to indulge in gorgeous men? Hmmm... that's a tough one.

6. In relation to indulgence, I love how I can pamper myself without feeling guilty that I'm taking up too much time. I just painted my nails this afternoon and for a girl that can be very soothing. Pink nails anyone?

7. I am able to tap into my creative side. Writing is no longer restricted to essays and reaction papers that are being asked of me. No more minimum number of words. I just let the words take me where they want to.

8. Discovering myself through all the "meditation" time I have been given. I'm able to work on old hobbies and try new ones out. Through all of those I find what I actually love and what makes me tick.

9. The sun. I enjoy the sun's bright rays.

10. Going on vacation without worrying about what I left behind. I was literally taken away from all worries. It feels good to be detached from normal life every once in a while.

It's just those little things that make me happy. Summer's the perfect time to be a kid because it is the only time that the world is yours for the taking. There are so many possibilities that can be had. It's just all up to the recipient. Man, I'm really going miss this particular summer.

"Sort Through My Mind" Moment

I was up at 3:30 this morning and I couldn't get back to sleep. I got out of bed at 4:45 because after that hour or so I was restless. Sleep was definitely not the agenda anymore. I planned on blogging because my mind went into hyperdrive like it usually does when I'm in bed. That plan was spoiled too. My mom got up as well. I did not wake her. That's her usual "wake up" time. I have to say that it's insane but I'm not her. Anyway... she found out that we were going to mass at six and since it was almost five and we will leave at around 5:30, I did not have enough time to check in.

The layout is new as you can see. Yes, it is inspired by Dashboard Confessional's song Stolen. Chris Carrabba is love and this is one of my favorite songs by DC. I'm so into it that tears come to my eyes when I see the video. It sends shivers down my spine.

I even said in my Multiply account that I was waiting for someone to sing this song to me. Don't get me wrong though. I'm not in love or interested in anyone at the moment. I just love the idea of finding someone. It's part of the adventure I know. A bunch of my friends are smack-dab in the middle of their own adventure right now and I can't help but be thrilled for them.

I'm having one of those "sort through my mind" moments where I have a million thoughts whirling back and forth in my mind. I don't mind it that much now so I will freely talk about everything and anything I please to. It's just going to be random so there won't be any particular topic in mind right now.

The whole not interested in someone thing was actually a lie. Of course I'm interested in someone I have been since the first time I laid my eyes on him. Intrigued are we?

Don't get too excited. I'm not making a controversial confession of love here. I'm just expressing my fangirl tendencies. Some of my friends think I'm crazy when I switch into fangirl mode and I can't really blame them but we all have those moments.

As I was saying, I'm just expressing fangirl tendencies towards my first obsession (yes it is an obsession) Orlando Bloom. Those who have known me long enough know how crazy I am about this guy. But he's not the only obsession I have right now. I seem to have developed another one. I was raving about this one in my Hottie Of The Month for May and I seem to be fixated on him right now. Orli's not out of the picture though (still can't wait for POTC3!) but I think I found the Asian equivalent in Jun Matsumoto.

I have it bad. Seriously. But I'm not the only one. My cousin Kaye is hooked as well. It's a growing obsession and I don't think it is going to stop any time soon. Not that I want it to stop. I'm in a happy, boyfriend free place right now and nobody can get in the way of my fangirl love. I so want to insert and EVIL LAUGH here right now.

I already know what I'll be blogging about next time. That will probably be up within the week. Right now I'm just wasting away the rest of my lazy and should I mention sticky summer days. I'm going to miss the laziness because I know this is my last work free summer. I am making the most out of it. My schedule for the upcoming semester is insane but I love the fact that I don't have classes on Thursday and Friday.

I should stop organizing my thoughts because this could go on forever. Jeez...

The Name Game

I read before that we have different faces for different situations. I repeated that on this blog. Now I want to explore the different names that each person has. I take inspiration from a Candy magazine article by Ana Gonzales (a UST Journalism grad thankyouverymuch) on what to blog about during summer. My mind can sometimes be as dry as the weather so this suggestion was an actual good idea.

Here's a list of names that people have called me throughout the years...

If you call me Joanna Nicole then you're either my mother or father. I'd be in big trouble if Chichioco Batac were added to that mix. That's the name they use when I goof up and do something stupid.

If you call me Joanna then you're probably my teacher. Since that is the name that's usually on my test papers and registration forms. I don't really like being called by this name.

If you call me Nikki then you're my kabarkada, a high school friend or a friend from my blog. It was a moniker that I had back in high school and only those pretty close to me call me by that name. Also those people who are my friends online because it's part of my url. DUH. HAHA

If you call me Ate then you're either my mother, father, kuya or younger cousin. It's a term of endearment and family thing. I'm the youngest (I only have an older brother) but I'm just too serious for my own sake sometimes.

If you call me Nicole then you're an acquaintance or a college buddy. I introduce myself to people as Nicole since I mentioned that I don't really like being called Joanna. We have a Nikki in class so I can't use that nickname so my college friends know me as Nicole. But I beg you please say it properly. It's pronounced as "Nichole" and not "Nikol". I love my name so please respect people! You know who you are...

If you call me Ms. President then you're part of 2jrn1 or you're a professor who got mad at the class. I'm the class president. Enough said.

If you call me Best then you're Rianne. She's my best friend residing in Australia.

If you call me Nikki-banban then you're part of UEU and you were part of that nickname phase. It was a cutesy high school nickname from Pia or Pchan. It stuck for awhile but Nikki stayed longer. Pchan sticked though. I still call her that.

If you call me Batac then you're a high school batchmate. We had a thing of calling each other by the last name. Someone even phoned my house looking for me but used the name Batac. My dad was slightly confused by that. HAHA

If you called me Chocolate then you're Jeff Alvaran. A high school and grade school batchmate who couldn't pronounce Chichioco (my middle name) so he called me Chocolate even until we graduated high school.

I probably have a lot more names that I can't really remember but these were pretty much the major ones that stuck. I guess we really do have more names than we can even count.

Hottie Of The Month - May

This month I commemorating my renewed love for Asian dramas. I've been away for it for quite some time and I can honestly say that I missed it. I have two Japanese actors this month... here goes nothing.

Female Hottie Of The Month

Yukie Nakama

Yukie Nakama is a highly acclaimed actress and singer. She has played everything from the frightening Sadako in Ring 0, the quick handed magician Naoko Yamada in the Trick series, to the tough Kumiko "Yankumi" Yamaguchi in the Japanese live action drama Gokusen. The 27-year-old actress has won several times for best actress from the Japanese Drama Academy Awards from the various roles she has played on television. She has been voted most viewed personality on Japanese television along with the governor of Tokyo Shintaro Ishihara. Her beauty has captured the hearts of her viewers through mixing tough characters with her deceivingly fragile looks.

Male Hottie Of The Month
Jun "MatsuJun" Matsumoto

I am one of the millions of fans of this Japanese actor and singer. As I have been repeating all summer long: MATSUJUN OWNS ME. I'm 100% smitten. He's starred in various tv shows and movie roles. Jun's mostly known for his portrayal of Domyouji Tsukasa in Hana Yori Dango 1 & 2. He's also part of ARASHI a hip-hop inspired band from Johnny Entertainment. Although the members of ARASHI enjoy more or less equal popularity, a large portion of the fans were attracted to ARASHI by watching Matsumoto's dramas; a common syndrome that has been nicknamed the 'Jun-bait' by fans. How many people can say that? He broke out onto the scene as the smart and rebellious Shin Sawada in Gokusen and gained more popularity when he became a famous journalist's pet "Momo" in Kimi Wa Petto. If his fans have anything to say about it, this hottie would probably be in the limelight for a long time.

Yukie Nakama picture and info:

• ampedasia.com/babes/Yukie-Nakama
• en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yukie_Nakama

Jun Matsumoto picture and info:

• community.livejournal.com/jun_daily
• en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jun_Matsumoto

I Did It

It was probably out of fear that it took me this long to put it up... this is going to be a shameless plug...

Please visit my DeviantArt account:

http://nonbeliever04.deviantart.com/

I'm starting to write again, fiction I mean. It took me this long to put my stuff out into the world.

Please be kind. Have a good day!

Again visit my account! You can post your comments here if you want.

God Must Be A Scriptwriter

If I'm to be asked about God's identity, this would be my answer: I believe God's a scriptwriter.

I'm not turning religious on you or anything. I just had one of those "eureka" with the matching light bulb moments a few days ago and that's what inspired me to talk about this.

I come from a Roman Catholic family where the elders are pretty conservative. Okay, my grandmother (mother side) is anyway. But we have been taught great values over time and I've been grateful for that. That doesn't make me want to spend my entire day in church though. I have my reasons for not doing that. That's beside the issue but I just wanted to state that this has nothing blasphemous against the religion I have been brought up in.

Okay now that I made my point, where was I? Right! I remember now.

Scriptwriters are the people behind the scenes who control the plot of a story. I believe no one would disagree with me on that. Now doesn't that sound familiar?

God knows what's in store for our future. He knows what will happen no matter what route we take. He has this plan for us but his waiting for us "actors" to take it whichever direction we choose to. We can try to wrestle with it but He already knows what’s going to happen. He's just waiting for us to unravel everything.

We can try to question and maybe give a suggestion. Sometimes He'll listen and sometimes He won't. It doesn’t matter how many times we try to object as long as He holds the reigns then there's nothing we can do.

I have had a bunch of moments where I felt the weight of someone else controlling my life. I realized that it was Him all along. But those moments weren't always negative. I've had a lot of "thank God I’m alive" moments. He has given me a miracle. He has given me my life. I will be eternally grateful for that.

Through His "script" I learned lessons and met amazing people. Through Him '’m trying my best to grow up to become a good example of His love.

No matter how many times I wish things would turn out a certain way, I know it's all in the hands of that big scriptwriter in the sky. He takes suggestions. I tried and sometimes those were successful. For the most part they weren't because He had an even better plot twist for me.

I seriously believe that God's a scriptwriter. Would you beg to disagree?

I Need The Words Too!

"Action speaks louder than words." The dedicated swear by these words. It brings about results that help prove a person's ability. It shows a person's strength and courage because one goes beyond empty words and actually does something in life.

But sometimes I think that the words are needed too. The intentions have to be said as well. It gets confusing when you're confronted by a person who does one thing and says another thing all together. Mixed signals are not good foundations. It is doomed to fail when miscommunication is involved.

Now don't get me started on perception, that's pretty tricky too. We have three faces. One is who we really are, the other is how others see us, and the third is how we want other people to see us. It's a terrible mix when miscommunication and perception enters the picture. If we never say what we really want and if we don't act on those words, then nothing will probably go right.

It gets tricky when a third party's perception enters the picture... let's give a situation. For those people who watched Friends (okay those who did not watch this show are crazy!) then you'll know what I'm talking about.

Joey during the latter seasons was in love with Rachel. It drove him crazy because he could not really act on his feelings at first. As if things we're complicated enough. He did not say the words but his actions proved otherwise. And before the others found out, they thought that he was in love with Phoebe!

Now that is a perfect example as to how crazy things could get when doing something and saying something different doesn't really work out.

If a person like Joey was in front of me right now, I would recommend that he/she do one of two things: act now or forget it entirely. If he/she has the guts do push through with it, then it's the time to finally set the record straight. Say what you mean and mean what you say! Now if he/she doesn't have the balls, I believe that he/she should stop with the games and just forget about the situation. It is just going to hurt someone and that doesn't include himself/herself.

There's something scary about having other people interpret the situation wrongfully. Wouldn't there be less of a misunderstanding if we just said what we wanted to say and acted the way that we wanted to act at the same time?