Passing Through & Letting It Out

This is taken from this blog/site... check it out... it is a cool site... this was where the All American Rejects got the postcards for their "Dirty Little Secret" video... cool...

It is interesting really... oh man... I have colds... this sucks really but there is nothing I can do about that... hmph... I hate being asked to do something I can't do... it is frustrating and well it causes stress...

Anyway, I am breezing or passing through life lately... going through my daily routine. Waking up, studying or watching tv, going to class, feeling alone, going to the lib, eating at school, going home, feeling more lonely, watching tv, studying, sleeping... I am just living a life of routine. I have no one to talk to about it so I just let it all out here. Let's face it we all need to vent. We need that one person to keep you company. Man is a social being and lately I haven't been that... haha funny right... it seems like I am not the person anyone needs to talk to.

My head aches seriously. Anyway, well don't we all have that moment where we feel like we are watching everything pass us by... an interesting stand point sometimes but not all the time. I don't know what is wrong. It probably is just me and my twisted thinking... but I can't deal with these feelings anymore. I'm just letting out so I can put it aside. I'm lonely, I feel like water that people see through, I feel worthless and sad. I feel like I am fulfilling what others perceive of me, sad thing really, no one to talk to... living behind a mask. That is me right now... LIVING IN A MASK now I sort of understand what that means...

At least I let this out. A little depressing but it makes me feel a bit good. Now I can let it go... : )

Let Go Finally

I give in to my guilty pleasures too much... and now is just another example... I should be reviewing for my Economics class but that would have to wait... me and my priorities! I guess I just have to write, even "at the height of my emotions", just something I picked up at my Lit class today!

I am not really at the height of my emotions anymore and I think I have pretty much rationalized things a bit... well I have a lot of time to my thoughts really and that is pretty scary but then again I guess that is what I just have... my thoughts. And those have brought me to places that even I don't want to get in to.

Which brings me to my topic for today: SIGNS

I just have to ask if they exist... I won't get a concrete answer I know but I would just like to get this out in the open because I have no one to voice them out to.

I have not mentioned this guy in ages but well he is the topic of today's conversation... still he'd be going by his ever "original" code name: A Squared. You see I have seen him this past week more times than I have seen him during the last semester. Seriously I saw him once I think. And since classes began last Monday I saw him last Monday, Tuesday and just today. It just catches me off guard. Last Monday was when I saw another old crush. Then when I was in the jeep near UST already I saw him again. And I vaguely remember telling myself that if I saw him tomorrow it could be some sign... but well I did see him but the day after so I guess it somehow screws my signs theory.

When I saw him today I don't know if it is a product of my overactive imagination but I sort of saw a hint of recognition in his eyes slash expression. I was with Margon which I don't know was a good thing. I was with a guy whilst (huh?! haha) I crossed paths with this guy I thought or still am pondering of the notion of having been in love with. To be honest I wasn't really thrilled that I was with a guy. It sucks because I know that it would mean that part of me is still pining for him but it makes me think that I would forever be pining for him... THE GUY I COULD NEVER REALLY GET NO MATTER HOW CLOSE WE COULD HAVE GOTTEN.

And you know what is even crazier, the fact that I was slightly elated that I saw that hint of recognition. I know that is crap but well I can't control my emotions. I wanted to be like "Hey! You know me! You danced with me! You idiot!" I so want to say that but like most of my wants that would pretty much just be buried under the covers.

As I said, these three sightings (it makes him seem like an alien right?! haha) just made me think of signs and is this one... but now that I think of it, a sign for what? For me to start worshipping him again! For thinking he is the best thing this world has to offer? Or could it just be for me to just stop bothering myself to think about him completely. A sign to let go?

This makes me think of this very touching quote I got from my Lit class again (I love that class! HEHE)

WHAT DOES A MAN WORK FOR? IS IT NOT FOR A CORNER AND A MOMENT TO BE TENDER IN? I HAVE LEFT BECAUSE I CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT YOU...

I forgot the author because Prof. Perez was talking to fast... haha but what it actually comes down to is that... leave while you have this beautiful memory of someone, leave before it is corrupted by the person he has or you have become. Leave while you could stand to love him for who he was, not who he has turned out to be.

I don't get it why this hit a home run in me. I guess it just makes me piece a few things together which says that I should just let it go while I still have that beautiful memory still fresh in my mind. It has been there for the past two years and it would probably be there forever. I have been saying this a lot but maybe this time I should really try.

It is sad to hold on to someone who doesn't and never did and never will want you. And it is sad to think that the only solution... is to let go.

Fear And Belief

I had an interesting day yesterday... classes begun last Monday but last Monday our dear professors did not show up! We wasted four hours in class... sucks but it was okay I guess... but yesterday all of them showed up... and I met I think the professor that would probably have the most impact on well my life and academic life... he's our Filipino Literature... he's name is Prof. Neil Perez. He is the second person to tell me and the whole class the words that made me more confident to pursue journalism... the words: PROVE THEM/THE WORLD WRONG.

Those words have gotten me through my weak moments... my dad was the first person to tell me that... he has taught me so much... he has so much faith in me and I am thankful for that... especially since faith is something that does not come a long too often... people have faith in you but sometimes they have faith in you to fail... they wish for you to fail and they have faith that you will fail. It is a sad reality... people will root for you to fail. It could be that way but like what Sir Neil said yesterday... a very cliche phrase but something that is also true... your worst enemy is yourself... don't believe yourself, believe IN yourself.

That is something that needs to be in each and everyone of us... that is something that falters when things start to colapse that is one of the first things that go with it... that lack of faith in yourself that giving up seems like the only remedy. It is a sad reality but it is true... it happens to all of us, it happens to me a lot... but then again you must also remember that things really do happen for a reason. Some reason that we may never know of but it happens that way. We should never be victims of our on choices, we should be the masters of them and stand by them. It is easier to give up but when you think of it in the long run what you gave up maybe the one thing which you would need the most, that one thing that will help you succeed. That one thing to make you happy.

I gave up a bunch of times... heck I gave up a lot of times... giving up because of the loss of faith in what might happen, because of fear, because of other people and the worst one because I lost faith in myself... I want to learn from my mistakes so much but it is so hard sometimes because those mistakes seem to be the easy way out. Fear is something that I have yet conquered. I wish I could. Insecurity is another one. I need to get past them. Maybe you should too...

Disappointing People

Classes are about to start on Monday... woohoo! HAHA Not really excited though not really bummed that much... well more bummed I guess... I just enjoy vacations... call me a lazy person but hey that is life...

Which reminds me... we went to my other lolo's (my father's dad) mosoleo in La Loma and when we got there we saw something very sad... we don't really go there during Nov. 1 and 2 because we don't want to be there with so many people there and well that little mosoleo had metal fences attached to cemented poles and guess what some shameless robbers took almost all the metal fences! Only three were left! Even our little gate was stolen! I was shocked actually... to see people disturb the places where they did not even think was where the loved ones of the deceased laid them to rest...

It was disturbing, disheartening, and well just plain sad really... I guess it should be expected that people would disappoint you but when they do it still comes as a shock... well you know what?! Those people I know are also going through a rough time and well I pray for them... they are never really going to get anything out from what they are doing but still I can't help but feel disappointed...

Oh well... with that out of the way... and well before I go... I just like all the other things that I love well, I loved The OC episode today because well of the whole prom scene and how Seth was again just in time to sweep Summer off her feet... : ) those who watch the show might know what I am talking about... I am going to go now because it is already Gilmore Girls (TV FREAK ladies and gentlemen!)

Bye!

Legend Of Zorro

I was just out today! Just saw Legend of Zorro! I loved it! Wait... I love a lot of things... HAHA I guess that is what keeps it interesting! Not being too tied down in one thing because that would cause monotony and boredom! HAHA I am not talking about human relationships by the way! Because human beings can be a serious surprise so I don't believe that there would ever be monotony with your relationship with humans... they just are well interesting...

Anyway, too off topic as I said I loved the movie! I loved Tornado (that's his name right? It is the horse by the way! HAHA). I just can't seem to forget how his eyes widened when they were almost crushed on top of the train... if you saw the movie then you will get what I mean...

And speaking of love... one more thing that I fell in love is the novel I bought... THE RESCUE by NICHOLAS SPARKS... I finished it in three days... I would have finished it in one day but I wanted to savor it a bit and finish it at the cemetery... you read right... yesterday was All Saints day and like every year we got to Manila Memorial in Parañque and spend half the day at my lola's mosoleo (what ever that spelling is... HAHA). I got up at 3 o clock that day and that was not fun... I am most of the time NOT a morning person! HAHA

I am off topic again. Well it made me appreciate Nicholas Sparks more and I can't wait to buy another novel by him... maybe The Notebook? Who knows, when I have the moolah any book of his will do! My hats off to him! As I said in my journal, he has this way of taking simple yet strong emotions and lead you into this emotional and heart-warming roller coaster... his books (this is the first one I read though! HEHE) well they reaffirm the hopeless romantic in me... and I love that really... it reminds me of what I am actually waiting for... or should I say what is supposed to be coming my way in the future? Oh who knows...

Classes will start in a few days... oh well stress is on its way! HAHA Wish me luck in this new semester... MAY I MAKE IT IN ONE PIECE! HAHA I have to go for now just sneakingly (if there ever was a word) using my dad's internet access! HEHE Bye!