"I CAN LIVE INSIDE MY HEAD..."

I'm playing it over and over and over again... I'm talking about the song "On My Own" and "A Little Fall Of Rain" from the musical "Les Miserables"... add "Waiting In Vain" by Annie Lenox and Bamboo's cover of that same song... speaking of covers I love Fall Out Boy's cover of "So Sick" by Ne-Yo...

I have turned into a sap again... this may have been triggered by watching the 1o year anniversary production of UST Mediartrix entitled "2 D Max"... it reminded me of their Les Miserables production last year. Rembert lost 2 hours off his class time by watching this with me, he asked me to join him though! HEHE I'm turning defensive I know...

Like this entry's title suggests, taken from the lyrics of "On My Own" by the way... I am living inside my head at the moment... I guess I'm just feeling a bit sentimental that's all... a little lonely perhaps... pent up emotions are starting to get the best of me... still pining for something probably... something that doesn't belong to me. Did I just rhyme all of that??

Anyway, I apologize for any confusion this may cause. I am letting my heart lead this entry... behind each song up there is a common theme: MARTYRDOM... I'm not talking about risking one's life for the sake of the country or religion. I'm talking about something a little bit more local... the martyr in all of us... the martyrs of love...

There are so many of us in this world. Yes I am definitely a martyr... probably the reason why I'm still single but that's another story. I don't have a big cause. I did not give myself up for a cause that would rock the entire planet. But I do give myself up for a cause that shakes MY entire world. The cause which involves my own heart.

This heart of mine has been shielded ever since out of the fear of getting hurt yet somehow through the recesses there would always be someone who would be able to get through and then they would never leave again. That brings me both happiness and then followed by the shadow of melancholy for the words left unsaid and the unpursued actions...

I'm a martyr in the sense that as long as they are happy I try to be as well... I put their emotions before mine. Not wanting to cause turmoil even if I'm already experiencing an inner war... I live through the small gestures and looks that sustain that feeling in me. I see all of it as acts of love even though it may be through my ownperspective only...

I'm a martyr because I'll never confess... okay that probably just makes me stupid but out of the fear of destroying what is already there I'd rather not speak, especially when there is so much at stake.

It gets hard to bear believe me especially since martyrs are never heard of... what I mean is that because we are martyrs then we'd rather not speak of anything regarding it but when we do it would always seem that others would always be first. That's the root of martyrdom isn't it? Then I must be in over my head... it' s hard and I'm having one of the hard to bear days at the moment so that doesn't help...

I just live inside my head, my heart, my soul... will someone ever save this martyr from herself???