So this is what it feels like... waiting for your sentence to come down. Am I in the death row? Is this going to be the end of me? It feels that way.
I know it's selfish to compare my personal drama to something as serious as someone losing his life. I just feel that way at the moment. For those who can't take drama then you can stop reading right here.
I feel like my life is over. My incompetency has caught up with me. It has come back with a vengeance and it took a big bite out of my ass. I have no excuses to hide behind. I chose not to hide behind any as well. It's my fault. Clearly it was my fault.
But the faint hearted person like myself can not take this. This shows how weak I actually am. I can't even defend myself. I was in the wrong but I can't even put up a defense.
I haven't cried like this in a long time. It doesn't feel any good. I usually feel good after a cry. This time I'm just scared. My eyes are all red and splotchy and my whole body betrayed me as well. I have a cold and my head is pounding. I'm swimming in my own fear and regret.
Am I looking for sympathy and compassion? Yes I am because I'm so weak right now that all I can do is lean on someone else. I should pick myself up right? I should face the consequences... easier said than done.
Showing posts with label ust matters. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ust matters. Show all posts
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Friday, June 29, 2007
It Keeps Me Happy
I'm functioning on a cup of tea and a bottle of water. I was up at 5 this morning because I knew I had to finish the paper for my Info Tech in the Newsroom class. I have no time for dilly-dallying. I've been averaging 6 hours of sleep this week. That's terrible for me because I love my 8 hours a night sleep. I miss it but I've been kept happy by the most trivial of things.
The sunrise has been my friend. I would not have said that before because mornings used to be my enemy but I've come to appreciate and love them now. It gives me warmth and hope that the day would be a great one. I'm trying to cultivate my optimism.
ARASHI's still LOVE. Ohmiya's still LOOOVEEE and MatsuJun's SEX. LOL Well he is! Their songs and shows have kept me perky and happy. I've been battling with my inner demons a.k.a. my emotions and they have been my salvation. It's been a great stress reliever. I'm thankful to Johnny and the rest Johnny Entertainment for giving us the five pretty boys. Now if they only sold legal Arashi merchandise here... I'm still praying and hoping for that.
Friends and family have also kept me sane. From the recent demands of my academic life, they have been my shelter. The load isn't that demanding yet but it's beginning to build up momentum.
Songs have continued to be refuge as well. Arashi's La Tormenta 2004 is my current hype me up song. Avril's new song When You're Gone is something I'm in love with. Love the chorus... it's a sad song but it makes me happy. Amy Winehouse's Tears Dry On Their Own is rather fitting for me and I LOVE IT.
I have found that hidden passion for my profession yesterday. That's keeping me happy. I had a practical exam for the Philippine Daily Inquirer's University Scholarship where we had to interview and write a feature story on the chief of the Research Section of PDI. Ma'am Miner was nice and despite the harrowing feeling of trying to meet the deadline, I actually had fun.
In retrospect, I knew that this moment would come down in history. I actually got to experience typing inside a newsroom. The newsroom of the biggest newspaper publication no less. It was cool and I believe I gave what I could despite the pressure. We were there at 5 in the afternoon and finished the interview-slash-press con scenario in the Inquirer's research dept at 6. I finished the article at 8. The time limit was probably midnight or something. We just had to pass it to Sir Yambot (the PDI publisher) that night. It was eye opening and inspiring. I can never describe the feeling of being in there amidst practicing newsmen. It's rather fascinating.
I was talking about battling with my demons earlier and it was put into words through a quote I received last night.
When things seem too good to be true, it's because of one thing: It's about to break your heart.
I found things that made me happy and I think that kept my emotions at bay. Because my friendship with a certain boy reached the point where I know that friendship was all he could offer me. It was too good to be true. It doesn't matter that the moment didn't last long. I knew something was wrong. Okay now my pessimism is surfacing. I was prepared for this. It is even in this entry HERE. I'm just letting the emotion pass through me. It hasn't hit as hard and that surprises me a bit. The anticipation probably prepared me for the actual thing. Good for me... HAHA
In Amy Winehouse's words:
I don't know why I got so attached
It's my responsibility
You don't owe nothing to me
But to walk away I have no capacity
He walks away the sun goes down
He takes the day but I'm grown
And in your way,
In this blue shade
My tears dry on their own
I don't understand
Why do I stress a man?
When there's so many better things at hand
We could've never had it all
We had to hit a wall
So this is inevitable withdrawal
Even if I stop wanting you
and perspective pushes through
I'll be some next man's other woman soon
I shouldn't play myself again
I should just be my own best friend.
Not fuck myself in the head with stupid men
I love that last line. Okay I should stop here...
*****
This will be a new feature on my blog. Since I want to spread Arashi love every entry would have my favorite picture of the moment. This one takes this entry hands down... one of the hottest Arashi pics I have seen. o.O Credit: lea26karla.livejournal.com
The sunrise has been my friend. I would not have said that before because mornings used to be my enemy but I've come to appreciate and love them now. It gives me warmth and hope that the day would be a great one. I'm trying to cultivate my optimism.
ARASHI's still LOVE. Ohmiya's still LOOOVEEE and MatsuJun's SEX. LOL Well he is! Their songs and shows have kept me perky and happy. I've been battling with my inner demons a.k.a. my emotions and they have been my salvation. It's been a great stress reliever. I'm thankful to Johnny and the rest Johnny Entertainment for giving us the five pretty boys. Now if they only sold legal Arashi merchandise here... I'm still praying and hoping for that.
Friends and family have also kept me sane. From the recent demands of my academic life, they have been my shelter. The load isn't that demanding yet but it's beginning to build up momentum.
Songs have continued to be refuge as well. Arashi's La Tormenta 2004 is my current hype me up song. Avril's new song When You're Gone is something I'm in love with. Love the chorus... it's a sad song but it makes me happy. Amy Winehouse's Tears Dry On Their Own is rather fitting for me and I LOVE IT.
I have found that hidden passion for my profession yesterday. That's keeping me happy. I had a practical exam for the Philippine Daily Inquirer's University Scholarship where we had to interview and write a feature story on the chief of the Research Section of PDI. Ma'am Miner was nice and despite the harrowing feeling of trying to meet the deadline, I actually had fun.
In retrospect, I knew that this moment would come down in history. I actually got to experience typing inside a newsroom. The newsroom of the biggest newspaper publication no less. It was cool and I believe I gave what I could despite the pressure. We were there at 5 in the afternoon and finished the interview-slash-press con scenario in the Inquirer's research dept at 6. I finished the article at 8. The time limit was probably midnight or something. We just had to pass it to Sir Yambot (the PDI publisher) that night. It was eye opening and inspiring. I can never describe the feeling of being in there amidst practicing newsmen. It's rather fascinating.
I was talking about battling with my demons earlier and it was put into words through a quote I received last night.
I found things that made me happy and I think that kept my emotions at bay. Because my friendship with a certain boy reached the point where I know that friendship was all he could offer me. It was too good to be true. It doesn't matter that the moment didn't last long. I knew something was wrong. Okay now my pessimism is surfacing. I was prepared for this. It is even in this entry HERE. I'm just letting the emotion pass through me. It hasn't hit as hard and that surprises me a bit. The anticipation probably prepared me for the actual thing. Good for me... HAHA
In Amy Winehouse's words:
It's my responsibility
You don't owe nothing to me
But to walk away I have no capacity
He walks away the sun goes down
He takes the day but I'm grown
And in your way,
In this blue shade
My tears dry on their own
I don't understand
Why do I stress a man?
When there's so many better things at hand
We could've never had it all
We had to hit a wall
So this is inevitable withdrawal
Even if I stop wanting you
and perspective pushes through
I'll be some next man's other woman soon
I shouldn't play myself again
I should just be my own best friend.
Not fuck myself in the head with stupid men
I love that last line. Okay I should stop here...
*****
This will be a new feature on my blog. Since I want to spread Arashi love every entry would have my favorite picture of the moment. This one takes this entry hands down... one of the hottest Arashi pics I have seen. o.O Credit: lea26karla.livejournal.com
Friday, June 22, 2007
Multitasking Heaven
My serious multitasking skills come in handy in times like this. I get bored by studying too much. Contrary to popular belief, I don't not lock myself up and study all day. It's the opposite of that. I get sudden bursts of inspiration to study but that happens sporadically. I'm still the same lazy, procrastinating girl.
Although I've managed a way to finish most of the things that are asked of me. The seat plans are done. I'm just waiting for my block mates pictures. I read the Psych handouts and did a little advance reading. But I couldn't comprehend the Glossary part. I will try to do that later. Done my research for Lit. Although I'm still reading up on Ramayana as we speak (one of the many tasks I'm performing right now). I am also preparing the first part of my interview questions for my friend Nikki.
Everything is going pretty well. And I'm fighting all urge to just forget researching and re-reading the notes (something I'll be doing later) I have. It's hard but I'm trying to cultivate my self-discipline. I've been battling with it all my life. I feel like I haven't won any battle against my laziness. It's a surprise how I get anything done.
School's starting to get hectic. I'm a Junior already. No place for monkey business. Journalism is the main focus now. Except for a few stray classes. All we're talking about now are news, beats, feature articles, and the media. I enjoy the fact that I actually have an area I can relate to. You see I can't imagine myself taking any other course. I enjoy reading books on Journalism. That's something I discovered recently. Things are busy but they're great too. It really does make things a little easier when you like what you're doing.
I'm still sucked into the world of Arashi. That's pretty much why I'm in front of this computer. I'm in love. LOL I've been taking pictures, watching and downloading videos. It's an obsession. My PC is filled with so much Arashi stuff. But it's a really good stress reliever for me. They make me laugh and I get all kilig every once in awhile (thanks to Nino and Jun). Life is good. HAHA It would seem that I have turned into a serious fangirl.
I can't help but smile every time I look at this.
*GIF courtesy of hanya_ne.livejournal.com
Although I've managed a way to finish most of the things that are asked of me. The seat plans are done. I'm just waiting for my block mates pictures. I read the Psych handouts and did a little advance reading. But I couldn't comprehend the Glossary part. I will try to do that later. Done my research for Lit. Although I'm still reading up on Ramayana as we speak (one of the many tasks I'm performing right now). I am also preparing the first part of my interview questions for my friend Nikki.
Everything is going pretty well. And I'm fighting all urge to just forget researching and re-reading the notes (something I'll be doing later) I have. It's hard but I'm trying to cultivate my self-discipline. I've been battling with it all my life. I feel like I haven't won any battle against my laziness. It's a surprise how I get anything done.
School's starting to get hectic. I'm a Junior already. No place for monkey business. Journalism is the main focus now. Except for a few stray classes. All we're talking about now are news, beats, feature articles, and the media. I enjoy the fact that I actually have an area I can relate to. You see I can't imagine myself taking any other course. I enjoy reading books on Journalism. That's something I discovered recently. Things are busy but they're great too. It really does make things a little easier when you like what you're doing.
I'm still sucked into the world of Arashi. That's pretty much why I'm in front of this computer. I'm in love. LOL I've been taking pictures, watching and downloading videos. It's an obsession. My PC is filled with so much Arashi stuff. But it's a really good stress reliever for me. They make me laugh and I get all kilig every once in awhile (thanks to Nino and Jun). Life is good. HAHA It would seem that I have turned into a serious fangirl.
I can't help but smile every time I look at this.
*GIF courtesy of hanya_ne.livejournal.com
Saturday, June 02, 2007
Inspiration Hit
I'm going through one of my inspiration stages. I'm being kept perky and happy by quite a few things today... I'm just here to list them because I have nothing better to do with my time.
1. Seeing college buddies. I enrolled two days ago and it was good to see that some things don't change. I missed them a lot this summer. It was great that I was able to hang out with them for the afternoon. We're going to conquer another semester together. Fun times people.
2. Start of the semester. I'm surprisingly excited by this semester. It could be because I'm starting to feel a bit more like a college student with all the three hour classes but the schedule is a little crazy. Oh! And I have no classes on Thursday and Friday. Sweet! I'm excited about Spanish class too. Here's my schedule now...
Monday:
Lit 103 3-6 PM
Psy 210 6-9 PM
Tuesday:
Fil 2 2-5 PM
Wednesday:
Jrn 207 8-11 AM
Spn 1 11:30-2:30 PM
Jrn 205 3-6 PM
Saturday:
Jrn 206 3-6 PM
Jrn 210 6-9 PM
3. Big Girls Don't Cry by Fergie. That song has been on repeat since two days ago and I'm still not tired of it. It reminds me of my future and the things I have to let go because it's time for me to grow up. It reminds me of the journey I have to take. Photo courtesy of: www.musicblog.ro
4. ElleGirl February 2005 issue. I love Rachel Bilson. She's my style icon. The fashion spreads in this issue is amazing. I love the Paris c'est chic spread. It such a great magazine that I'm sad that it folded up last year. Good thing they still have their site, Ellegirl.com. That makes me happy. Photo courtesy of: rachel-b.org
5. Fort Minor's The Rising Tied album. I began listening to it and I'm currently in love with it. Mike Shinoda's brilliant. I'm in the process of listening to it...
We obtain happiness from random things right? I guess these are mine.
1. Seeing college buddies. I enrolled two days ago and it was good to see that some things don't change. I missed them a lot this summer. It was great that I was able to hang out with them for the afternoon. We're going to conquer another semester together. Fun times people.2. Start of the semester. I'm surprisingly excited by this semester. It could be because I'm starting to feel a bit more like a college student with all the three hour classes but the schedule is a little crazy. Oh! And I have no classes on Thursday and Friday. Sweet! I'm excited about Spanish class too. Here's my schedule now...
Lit 103 3-6 PM
Psy 210 6-9 PM
Tuesday:
Fil 2 2-5 PM
Wednesday:
Jrn 207 8-11 AM
Spn 1 11:30-2:30 PM
Jrn 205 3-6 PM
Saturday:
Jrn 206 3-6 PM
Jrn 210 6-9 PM
3. Big Girls Don't Cry by Fergie. That song has been on repeat since two days ago and I'm still not tired of it. It reminds me of my future and the things I have to let go because it's time for me to grow up. It reminds me of the journey I have to take. Photo courtesy of: www.musicblog.ro
4. ElleGirl February 2005 issue. I love Rachel Bilson. She's my style icon. The fashion spreads in this issue is amazing. I love the Paris c'est chic spread. It such a great magazine that I'm sad that it folded up last year. Good thing they still have their site, Ellegirl.com. That makes me happy. Photo courtesy of: rachel-b.org
5. Fort Minor's The Rising Tied album. I began listening to it and I'm currently in love with it. Mike Shinoda's brilliant. I'm in the process of listening to it...We obtain happiness from random things right? I guess these are mine.
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Two Post Day
This is going to be a day where I post two entries because I got in late last night and my dad was using the PC so I did not have the chance to use it. I was out all day. I already know what I'm going to talk about in my other entry but now let's see...
I'm going to use this entry as a little planner for this weekend filled with academic responsibilities...
Journ: nothing (thank God)
RC: nothing as well
Philo: study for quiz
Bio: nothing too (yehey!)
Scl: organize report & study for quiz
Eng: nothing
Math: project
Hist: critique
Looks a little slow but the project and critique for Math and History will be taking up a lot of my time. I should be starting on that now... I'll be back a little later for my second post.
I'm going to use this entry as a little planner for this weekend filled with academic responsibilities...
Journ: nothing (thank God)
RC: nothing as well
Philo: study for quiz
Bio: nothing too (yehey!)
Scl: organize report & study for quiz
Eng: nothing
Math: project
Hist: critique
Looks a little slow but the project and critique for Math and History will be taking up a lot of my time. I should be starting on that now... I'll be back a little later for my second post.
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Busy Weekend, Busy Week
I'm using this oppurtunity to organize my thoughts on everything I need to accomplish this weekend... I won't be home this afternoon so I won't have the oppurtunity to blog.
Now let's see what do I need to do...
Journ: Study for quiz
RC: Nothing (thank God)
Philo: Continue reading essays
Bio: Nothing (I do need to borrow an anatomy book though)
Scl: Watch an Inconvenient Truth for report
Eng: Prepare backdrop and questions for Panel Discussion
Stat: Begin proj
Hst: Finish taking notes on Stories from the Margins
PE: Get music for Jive
I'll be doing a lot of reading and stuff this weekend. My head hurts from all the activities I'll be doing this week. I have to go and start on the backdrop for English.
Now let's see what do I need to do...
Journ: Study for quiz
RC: Nothing (thank God)
Philo: Continue reading essays
Bio: Nothing (I do need to borrow an anatomy book though)
Scl: Watch an Inconvenient Truth for report
Eng: Prepare backdrop and questions for Panel Discussion
Stat: Begin proj
Hst: Finish taking notes on Stories from the Margins
PE: Get music for Jive
I'll be doing a lot of reading and stuff this weekend. My head hurts from all the activities I'll be doing this week. I have to go and start on the backdrop for English.
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