Of Rory Gilmore And Myself

When I am addicted to something I get into this phase where my world pretty much revolves around it. Example no. 1 is my addiction to playing the Sims 2 (my sim gave birth to twins! That is pretty rare and pretty cool!). I love that game I spent about roughly 8 hours on it a day. Example no. 2 would be Gilmore Girls... thanks again to my dad and the powers of DSL he has downloaded a few episodes of season 6 and a few nights ago I watched three episodes when I was just supposed to watch one because I was curious of what happened between Lorelai and Rory after season 5. If you are an avid viewer well you would know that things are not good between them. And since I am attached to this show, I too am pained by what has happened between them.

Rory has messed up BIG time. Reliable, put together Rory has lost herself at the beginning of this season. She's the mess who's trying to lead the world and herself into thinking that she has everything under control. She's dropped from Yale. School was her life, even Logan her boyfriend knows that. She let it all go because of one person. That person who shattered all her dreams by saying that she will never be good enough. She will not make it as a journalist. What's worse is he's the newspaper mogul and he is Logan's dad.

I remember that I first saw this show about 5 years or so ago while I was on Christmas vacation or some other vacation sitting in my Lolo's chair in their bedroom and I was drawn by the catchy theme song Where You Lead by Carole King and then I was hooked. The quirky humor, the small town setting, the interesting characters made me fell in love with it. But what got to me mostly was Rory. This bright, naive girl at the beginning of the series. She was beautiful and smart but she did not care for those things because she was too busy planning her life and she had full knowledge that she would have a great future ahead of her.

Through twists and turns she found herself in Yale and she was dead set on taking up Journalism. And when it was that season I fell in love with it more. I was frustrated and thrilled with her relationshiop with Jess. I wasn't so happy with her relationship with Dean. I loved how she planned everything to the letter. She was the epitome of who I want to be. She was so sure of herself and who she wanted to be and she was willing to work hard for that goal. It appealed to me more when I found out she was taking up Journalism! She was like this imaginary role model for me. And when she started at Yale I was hanging on to what was happening thinking would that be my college experience too.

I envy her enthusiasm. I bathe in her intelligence. It is just cruel how all those years of planning, all those years of basking in the glory of the wonderful, almost perfect Rory suddenly goes down this endless drain where you expect nothing great to ever come out of. I'm hoping the producers of this show would try to put everything back on track. They seem to be moving in that direction because when she visited Yale during the start of another year where she isn't enrolled you could see how she still loves it so much. And she is living in her consequences at the moment.

This summer vacation has been very strange to me. I can't quite put my finger on it but something is different this year. It could be the whole perspective I gained this past year or maybe just maybe I grew as a person.

A lot of things have definitely changed since last year. My entries are slightly different. It is funny how I feel so juvenile about everything I wrote back then but at the same time happy to see that some things don't change.

I'm in the process of finding myself. Even if I drown myself in video games I am in the constant process of finding who I am and who I should be. I know who I want to become. I want to be successful, I want to be an editor for an international woman/teen magazine, I want to write a beautiful novel (the topic I am not yet sure of), I want to fall in love and get married and produce two very beautiful children preferably one boy and girl. If I am lucky enough it would be happily ever after for me, an absurd thought for reality but I do love to dream and besides there isn't only that one version of happy ever after. I believe that it comes in different forms as long as it gives you that satisfaction then that is it.

Like every single teen in this world I am just looking for my way. I am currently discovering what makes me tick and the things that are just not for me. I found love in reading fashion magazines and drooling over the wonderful clothing; in reading fictional books about life of a teen, a princess, the supernatural side of life, its romantic side or life in general; in watching canned teenage dramas like Gilmore Girls, One Tree Hill, Veronica Mars, The OC, Laguna Beach, foreign shows in general. I found love in blogging, collecting Hollywood celebrity pictures, collecting quotes, listening to my favorite singers and bands which include Gavin DeGraw, Maroon 5, Christina Aguilera, Dashboard Confessional, All American Rejects, Jimmy Eat World, Yellow Card and a lot of other artists. I found love in shopping and most importantly I found love in myself.

I used to hear people say that you should love yourself first before you love others and I didn't really get that saying. I was so engrossed with the romance being portrayed on screen and on tv that I wanted love right away. I dove head first into my hopeless romantic side. Something I am still happy to have discovered. I was so frustrated and angry and confused and hurt because I haven't had a boyfriend yet. And now I really see how stupid that actually is. I wrote an entry in this blog entitled "No Boyfriend Since Birth... WHO CARES!! I DON'T!" to be exact about the book No Boyfriend Since Birth and how I totally relate to it. But deep inside me I still did not accept my status, I was enlightened but I still wasn't satisfied.

This summer really did something to me because a realization in me struck. A feeling of security in myself. I suddenly felt the love for my own person starting to pour into my being. I'm no longer feeling inadequate because I never had a boyfriend. I no longer whine about it. I don't think about it anymore. I got more into the things I love (those mentioned above). I guess I accepted my current situation and I don't feel sorry for myself anymore. Besides I am a rare breed! HAHA How many girls in this world can claim that they never had a boyfriend?! Here I am given an oppurtunity to pursue everything I want to pursue. I don't think that it is late for me to realize this. I think I'm just in time and now I am just enjoying my life and celebrating my wonderful self!

I am no longer hiding behind any facade. I am finally trying to really find myself without any distractions. I am finally learning to love myself.

I accept the fact that I grew up in a different environment. I grew up in a country where my primary language wasn't the native tongue (I grew up speaking English and I only knew a few Tagalog words but that all changed once I entered kindergarten). I was oriented into watching foreign shows. I'm not ashamed of that. It may seem a bit stuck up because I rarely watch local stuff. I listen to foreign bands and I prefer it that way. But that doesn't mean that I'm less of a Filipino. I am a full blooded Pinoy through and through. My viewing and listening and speaking/writing preferences do not change my nationality. I have the Filipino values instilled in me, it was presented in a different manner but it is still there. My dad doesn't believe that your speaking preference (meaning what language you use) has anything to do with you being who you are and coming from where you came from. I believe in what he is saying. We learn different languages but that doesn't mean that you are less of a person, nationality wise. It means that you are culturally diverse. I'm still Pinoy, I'll forever be Pinoy and I won't stop being one.

This entry is a tad long and quite defensive but I am just trying to get my point across. I have accepted myself and I want the world to see. You may not agree with me but at least like what Ala Paredes said in one of her entries at least you have an opinion.