Untitled... For Now

The water was ice cold but that was what he needed. Looking up he sees his reflection, a 23-year-old who could pass for an older man with the stubble he has been sporting for the past few weeks.

He tells everyone it’s a fashion statement but deep down he knows what it stands for. She broke his heart exactly three weeks ago. Apparently for her, he just wasn’t man enough.

He felt the knife pierce through his heart and with a twist of her words she took his heart right out of his chest. He knew what he lacked. He was always contemplating that. He repeats the words “You’re too young…” over and over in his head. They haunted him like a plague. It isn’t obvious with his nonchalant attitude towards other things in his life but those words left a lasting mark in him.

Walking around his apartment you could still see traces of her. The pictures and clothes she’s left behind. But the biggest remnant is the painting, her painting. He coaxed her into posing nude for him behind the setting sun seen on his balcony. There wasn’t much time but he got the sunset more importantly he got her, all of her. Whenever someone saw that painting you could see this woman, you could feel this woman, you could breathe her in. The sexuality, the maturity, the essence of her could be seen in that one painting.

He wanted to get rid of it though. He felt the desire to cause harm to the painting because he wanted to believe that if it was destroyed then part of her will die as well. Maybe she would then feel remorse for leaving him.

He took the painting into his hands and thought of all the ways he could destroy it but he never found it in him to proceed with his plan. It just felt wrong. After all the pain she put him through he still could not do it. He sadly believed that if a part of her did go with the painting then he couldn’t bear hurting her like that. Setting the painting down on the floor, he heads for the balcony.

A big ball of contradiction is spinning out of control in him. He couldn’t do anything because these emotions are getting the best of him. He just sits out on that balcony each day thinking of all those wonderful times they spent there. The deep conversations they had and passionate sex they experienced on that balcony haunted him constantly. He is absorbed in that world that he willingly let that ghost of his past take over him completely.

No amount of convincing from his best friend could get him out of his trance. It just consumed him. He still felt her with him. He was desperate enough to believe that it was his fault. It did not matter that she cheated on him. That wasn’t what he wanted to think of. He still loved her with all his heart and soul.

The cruel words hurt him but her absence left a permanent scar. “I can’t take this anymore.” That’s all he could say. Those words encapsulate all he felt. The missing piece rendered him useless. His broken heart couldn’t take the beating.

He suddenly knew what to do about his situation. The thoughts seemed like a breath of fresh air to him. When his heart stops beating then he wouldn’t have to feel this way anymore. This idea appealed to him so much that without any hesitation he climbed up the balcony railing and jumped off the building.

She felt her heart shatter into a million pieces when she found out. She loved him but she wanted to believe that it wasn’t meant to be. It was a ten year age difference. She knew it was never meant to last.

Cheating on him was her only solution. “That would make him break up with me.” She knew that she couldn’t break up with him. She did not have it in her to do that. A strange thought but to her it made sense. She could shift the blame onto something else. It means that she wouldn’t have to bring up the age difference.

“You’re too young…” The words still escaped her mouth. Hundreds of emotions registered on his face but the hurt in his eyes still brings her to tears even after weeks of their separation. She loved him so she let him go. She knew that he needed to be with people his own age.

When she heard of his death, she couldn’t bear to look at herself. She couldn’t even get out of bed. She only found the strength to get up when his painting was delivered to her. She did not know if it was out of revenge that his best friend gave it to her. He told her that the painting belonged to her. His best friend did not speak to her after that.

His arrival reminded her of something he told her before. “Be careful, his heart’s more fragile than you think.” That was his best friend’s warning. She didn’t pay attention to it because she knew she was in love. But when that love wasn’t enough anymore. When that love brought about his death. She realized how true those words were. She not only broke his heart, she took his life as well.

***

I began this story back in high school. I never found it in me to continue the story. Until now anyway. It scares me to publish this but I know this story brings me back to my roots. I took up Journalism because of stories like this. It does need a title though. Any suggestions? I will properly acknowledge.

Classic One Tree Hill

Okay I'm a fan girl. I know that. I know only a few people who truly love the show as much as I do. I even vote to save the show you see I'd be devastated without the show! It's a sad sad world I tell you! HAHA Okay whatever...

I'm trying to catch up with the shows I've neglected because I had real life duties to fulfill i.e. huge amount of school work. I just finished episode 13 from One Tree Hill's 4th season. The episode was sort of a filler. It was entitled "Pictures of You". More info on the episode at TV.com
I just wanted to say that this is episode is one of the reasons why I love this show. I love every episode but this one stands out a bit. I have a few favorite episodes but let's not get into that. I have even more favorite moments but let's not get into that either. I just want to share a few favorite things about this episode. Taken from TV.com

Quotes:

Lucas: (immitating Gollum) My precious.
Glenda: You do a really good Elmo.

Haley: Okay, pregnant girl on the roof. (Skills laughs)
Skills: Come on now man, we had a deal, no early deliveries.(Haley laughs)
Haley: Alright.
Skills: Now, check it out. You're gonna love this view. It's the shiznit.
Haley: Wow. This view really is the shiznit.

Shelly: I'm kind of afraid of being here with you.
Mouth: Why?
Shelly: Because I'm a clean teen. And you're hot.
*I always loved Mouth. Such a good guy! Perfect best friend material.

Peyton: Take your shirt off.
Nathan: Wow, just like the old days!
*They looked good together but the current pairings are better.

Lucas: (voiceover) I wish I woulda hung out with Glenda before today. Something tells me she coulda been a great friend. But it's good to know there's still a little time left to do that... And I also learned her last name. And I learned that one hour can change everything.

Glenda: (voiceover) 50 minutes ago I called Lucas Scott a Jock. But, I was wrong. He's more than one simple word. I guess we all are. Anyway, I learned that Lucas is actually a lot like me. Who knew?

Mouth: (voiceover) Some of you have met Shelly Simon, Clean Teen. But today I got to know Shelly Simon, teen. I also asked her to prom.
Shelly: (voiceover) An hour ago, I called Marvin McFadden nice. He is, but I shoulda called him dangerous. I also said yes to Prom.
*Okay I thought this was cute.

Nathan: (voiceover) I spent the class with Peyton Sawyer. It reminded me what a good friend she is. I also learned that, considering recent history, she's not quite ready for the whole picture thing.

Chase: (voiceover) Today I spent an hour with Brooke Davis, and I learnt something. People are gonna label you. It's how you overcome those labels. That's what matters.
*Advice I actually need.

Rachel: Thank god this riduculous class is almost over.
Bevin: I liked it.
Rachel: That's because you're too blissfully stupid to resist.
Bevin: I know people think I'm stupid. But I'm not dumb. I just let you and the other girls have your way because that's how you need it to be. But I think Karl's right. Pretty soon, we're all gonna graduate, and I can start over. But it'll be hard for the people who need this place to make themselves feel special. People who use high school to build themselves up and then find out that the real world doesn't care so much about who you were in high school. People like you. (Small pause). Okay, so, what are we gonna do for our pictures?
*One of my favorite OTH scenes ever. Bevin finally speaks up. It sort of stings a bit though about what she said about high school. I somehow cling onto high school sometimes. Truth certainly hurts.

Skills: Okay, just give me a few minutes. Why don't you tell me your secret.
Haley: Sometimes I feel incredibly disconnected, uncomfortable in my own skin. Or, kinda like I don't fit into this world. Like I was born at the wrong time, and I don't belong. I just think about my son, and it scares me, cos I don't ever want him to feel like he doesn't belong. I don't know if my heart could bear that.
Skills: Nah, he'll belong. The kid gonna rock this place.
Haley: You think so?Skills: Oh yeah, I do. Cos his mom got his back, and if she don't, I do. I promise.
*Sweet little moment I loved. You rarely see Haley and Skills together.

Brooke: I was worried I wouldn't be enough for you. That's why I lied. That's what I'm afraid of. Not being enough, not... good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, not...
Chase: Brooke, your the student council president, captain of the cheerleaders and probably one of the most popular girls in school. How is that not good enough?
Brooke: I don't know, you should ask my parents. Considering they haven't called in a month. Month and a half, actually. Not a single call, or text, or email. So what do you suppose that says about me?
Chase: I think it says more about your parents.
*I feel more and more like Brooke. All the not being good enough stuff is so me... I sort of found the answers to my plagued mind in this episode.

Haley: I love the idea of being a mom, I really do. But, I just... I still wanna leave my mark on this world.
Skills: And that's what scares you? Not having the chance to do that.
Haley: Yeah, a little, and.... clowns. Clowns really scare me.

Teacher: Like it or not, you are who your classmates see you as. But here's the good news, that's gonna change soon. Because pretty soon, you're going to be going out into that big wide world, and you can erase all those labels. Now, for some of you, shedding this image is going to be, uh, a great thing. And for some of you, not such a great thing. But what matters is that you know who you really are. And you know how you want the world to see you.

Lucas: (voice-over) You ever wonder how long it takes to change your life? What measure of time is enough to be life altering? Is it four years like high school, one year, an eight week rock tour? Can your life change in a month, or a week or a single day? Were always in a hurry to grow up to go places to get ahead but when your young one hour can change everything.

And this was one of my favorite scenes...

*Photo was taken from here xanga.com/loverslanexQUOTES

All The Things I've Never Said

I feel like that's a song title. Anyway, I'm on a freakin emotional rollercoaster once again. Vacation barely started and I'm beginning to feel like a nutcase again. I sometimes hate it when I'm alone with my thoughts.

I just saw Arvee's blog and it had his thoughts on everyone's blog. Yes, Arvee I don't talk about sports because as much as I am fascinated with watching basketball, volleyball, soccer and the like I've never had the passion to religiously watch games. Okay except for the last NBA season where the Spurs won the championship(Go Spurs! HAHA)... it just isn't my thing. I prefer reading Candy, Teen Vogue, Elle Girl magazine over sports (if you could see my collection..). As for sex, Poli's a better person to talk about that.

And he made me realize how much time I spend on this blog. I talk about my feelings too much I know. But being the emotional basketcase I guess that comes with the territory. You see people beyond the "mataray, scary and intimidating" facade (according to everyone I meet... HAHA) I am an emotional, sentimental and sometimes psychological wreck.

Today's no different. You see those constant changes that come out of nowhere every once in awhile get to me. It comes out especially when I've suddenly found myself with too much time on my hands. Now I have no place else to go but here. I have to say all the things I never really say in order for me to finally start moving forward.

You see I feel like I'm in front of this very strange roadblock. It's like I have this huge wall in front of me and yes it's obviously blocking my way. What's strange is the fact that it's only blocking my way. I'm having this incredible movie moment right now where I feel like everyone else is moving on with their lives while I'm stuck here in front of this big wall that just won't let up...

I just feel trapped. Nothing's going on in any area of my life. It's quite pessimistic I know but I've been feeling this and I've never really said this so maybe by finally admitting to it, it just might leave me alone.

I've just been hearing a lot of surprising and good news recently... from migrating friends (Betsy!!), to a married with kid 2o something year old cousin, to people achieving their dreams... they're all good and I can't help but be thrilled for all of them but that keeps me stuck here. It makes me feel so insignificant.

I don't need people telling me that this is not true because none of you feel the way I do about the situation so please none of those kinds of comments...

I'm currently feeling so helpless. I'm never one to easily admit how helpless I feel at least not to anyone who isn't close to me. I have this "Superwoman" mentality and I can't stand it when I let people down. But this time I feel that I'm letting myself down. There's no other place for me to turn but to this space and you reader who is somewhat detached from my situation. You see I can't even run to myself anymore.

I'm so scared to be stuck in this rut.

I'm so afraid of being this helpless and vulnerable.

I'm frightened of being trapped.

I don't want to fail.

I so do not want to be a failure.

There I said it. I finally said it. I just wish I could rise above all of these fears... maybe now I could actually live my life.

The Exorcism Of Bad Crushes

I define bad crushes as those people who aren't really "meant" for you. Okay that's vague... I mean those crushes that aren't really supposed to be considered "crush material" in the first place. Okay now that sounds mean... I mean they are crushes that don't really boost anyone's ego or morale or someone who doesn't really inspire anyone. Those people who you are deceived into thinking is the best thing in the world but in the end all they actually do is treat you like crap.

I can't really define it because it probably limits the whole experience (okay I'm having flashbacks of my Philosophy of Man class...) but I believe that we all have our own definition of a bad crush. I thought of another one: TOXIC. That's as simple as I can define it.

Now wouldn't it be great if there was like this spell that could help us "flush away" all the things and feelings that these bad crushes leave in us helpless observers?! Wouldn't it be great if we could like have something like this:

Ingredients:
A strand of hair (or fingernail or DNA sample if crush is bald)
Journal or Blog Entries about the bad crush (printed version of course)
Pictures (both stolen/stalker pictures and the regular kind)
Matchstick or lighter
Trashcan

And so on... we could like put that in the trashcan and burn it all. HAHA It would be like your ridding yourself of bad feelings caused by these toxic emotions. Too bad we're stuck with the conventional way of getting over someone i.e. chocolate and food for women and "masculine activity" (I don't know what guys do to get over someone) for men.

I wonder if there would be a more fun way to do this... ideas anyone??

He's Gonna Break My Heart

This is a little follow up to my previous entry. I'm just so freakin affected by the whole situation and lack of it that I just have to talk about it again. I don't get the whole thing to be honest and I don't plan in divulging every single detail of my current situation either. I just want to talk about the feelings really.

I'm an easily affected person especially when it comes to matters of the heart. It doesn't take much believe me. I can be tipped either way. It's relatively easy to tip me either way. You can make me extremely happy or sad.

I get the collective kilig over my current thing(?). I don't know what it is anyway. It's especially kilig from an observer's perspective. But somehow it feels blown out of proportion even for me the actual person. Don't get me wrong it makes me happy. Yes, even the teasing makes me happy BUT the pessimistic side of me can't help but well be pessimistic.

I just know he's gonna break my heart. Every time I see him that's all I can think of okay just lately but that is how it feels. It hurts to admit it but I know he will. I'll probably fall without anyone catching me. I'm sort of preempting it that's why I'm very unresponsive to the teasing.

You see it's easy to tip me either way.

He's going to break my heart and I probably couldn't take that.

I Get The Hint

There is such a thing as acceptance. I've learn to accept a lot of things in life. I accept things not going my way when it comes to school, family life, friends, and any other circumstance in life. Things regarding my "love life" aren't any different either. I've accepted a lot of things with that regard too.

Right now isn't really any different. My beloved college buddies keep pressing the issue on this one guy. A guy I've accepted as a friend without any of the strings attached anymore. You see I got the hint that things won't really go beyond the friendship point. Nothing more, nothing less people.

It was a bit hard to accept it at first but the more I tried to hide from the reality the more it haunted me. It just isn't meant to be. I can't really say that it is a resignation of some sort. I just woke up to the truth.

A lot of us get stuck in lala land because it's more comfortable or happy there but that gets pretty harmful. Take it from a semi-permanent resident. Those illusions are nice for a temporary period but once it becomes a normal part of you then that can get pretty destructive. It is not wise to blur the boundary of the world you want and actual reality.

I'm not really bitter about the situation. I've just learned to live with that reality. You can't place a puzzle piece into a spot where it wasn't supposed to be in. We're just not meant to be in each other's lives that way.

I wrote about this because of a bunch of reasons I really don't want to talk about except this one thing. The whole situation was brought to my attention by this song of Gavin DeGraw entitled Glass. Here are the lyrics:

Fool you made the girl fall in love
you said those beautiful things
she thought you spoke things you mean
Caress her skin like it's glass
she hears your voice making plans
and she just breaks in your hands
You don't wanna see somebody beg
as you feel her heart surrender
you begin to fall
How do you say that something's through
when it never even started
at least not for you
You breathe her air and you leave
you keep your mind on yourself
and lie the glass on the shelf
After the heavenly speech
your body throws holy heat
the angels sing when our eyes meet
It wasn't a lie but it wasn't true
I just wanted to make you feel good
just wanted you near
I wasn't prepared I wasn't thinking of you
that you could actually love me
it never should have started
She's dreaming back on the past
every opinion agreed
doesn't know what to believe
It must have been for a cause
our lives have so many doors
don't think about him anymore
But it was the kiss, it took me away
it's like he knew that I am fragile
she said he handled me like glass
and it hurts but it's what I deserve
because I should have been more careful
with the others that I handled
she said I should have been more
I should have been more
and knowing this I know
that he'll get his
but I don't want the man to suffer
cause deep down I know that he's glass too
but it really doesn't matter
until it's happening to you
everybody breaks
everybody breaks
sometimes

*Lyrics taken here

Change Baby!

It's all about change I tell you! I've seen celebrities change like chameleons and it's making me want to do a little update. Maybe I should try to lose the excess weight I've been wanting to lose.

I have to examples here... both surprising and one I like more than the other. Example one is Joss Stone and number two is Hilary Duff. I was surprised by both of their new looks through their music videos.

I can't seem to find Joss Stone's new video but here's a look into her new look... check it out here.

And here's Hilary's new video... right here.

It's just a big change. That's why I'm so surprised. I still love them though. I still think they look great. Yes people, I love Hilary Duff. I've been a fan since the Lizzie McGuire days.

It's great to see them branching out in a way. I love Joss Stone and I think she looks great. She actually pulls it off. I wonder when I can dye my hair pink or something. Let's just see what changes I'm going to partake of this summer. Ooohhh! Almost summer! YEHEY! I better go... we're having dinner already. Just wanted to give a quick update. Bye!

Tickle Tests And Long Vacations

I'm officially nominated for that thing there *points to the right*! I've been having trouble with retrieving that sticker there and now I have it! YEHEY for me! Now all I need are your votes!

I've been slowly counting the days until summer vacation and it seems like a very long period of time. It just feels like the longest two weeks of my life. The hours I spend in class feels a bit like trying to walk on water. It's just so heavy. I can't help but feel so tired and whiny... this might explain it though...

"Blue in the first position also reveals that you have a desire for either emotional tranquility or physiological rest. You may long to escape emotional conflict or a situation that has been demanding, or you may crave a restful period that doesn't require a lot of physical activity. Overall, you long for a calm environment that is free from stressors, even though you do have the capacity to handle stress with grace. You need for your relationships to be free of conflict, as it's essential for you to be able to trust those who are close to you and be trusted by them in return. You have a quiet spirit, a peaceful manner and impeccable integrity."

That's a result from a Tickle test that I took here. See it's starting to show. I've always loved being lazy when summer comes. All the work I accomplished in the past ten months makes me want to be lazy. I see that as my reward.

I know it won't last because I'm supposed to enter into the real world in the next two years and I have to admit that it scares me a bit. I'm almost a junior. I just can't believe that!

Life certainly won't be the same once I leave the hallowed halls of the Royal Pontifical Catholic University of the Philippines the University of Santo Tomas or UST for short. I'm still boggled by the fact that I'm here. Both in UST and in the Faculty of Arts & Letters. Seems like I'm out of place yet home at the same time. Maybe my beloved course is keeping me in check. But those other thoughts are entries for another day. The Philippine Daily Inquirer tour yesterday sort of shook my foundation. Again that's a story for another entry.

Can't you see that I'm hinting about leaving already?! Until the next one... that would probably come sooner than later...

What I Love Right Now...

Such an original title I know. I deserve a Pulitzer or something maybe even an Ustetika award. HAHA NEVER MIND.

I just feel things starting to wind down just a bit. Things in school are steadily winding down. I still have a bunch of requirements to finish but they're almost done. Vacations almost here! I just love that!

I'm missing all the TV shows I watch. I'll probably watch One Tree Hill in a bit because I just can't help it anymore! I miss it too much! It's like that gorgeous boyfriend I haven't seen in a LONG time. Weird metaphor I know. I just miss being normal. Okay, I just miss being lazy. HAHA

Another thing that I love at the moment is Justin Timberlake's "What Goes Around Comes Around" song. It's just so catchy (God I wish Nikki could read this. She would read that with emphasis... CCCAAATTTCCHHYYY HAHA). Makes me think of karma. I'm not really sure if I'm a believer in karma but there is a certain validity to karma. We all eventually get what we deserve right. It may come surprisingly sometimes but we still get what we deserve and not what we want. Life's payback I guess.

Anyway, I should probably go and watch OTH. Look Sir Esguerra I used the acronym properly! HAHA Bye everyone!