I just saw Arvee's blog and it had his thoughts on everyone's blog. Yes, Arvee I don't talk about sports because as much as I am fascinated with watching basketball, volleyball, soccer and the like I've never had the passion to religiously watch games. Okay except for the last NBA season where the Spurs won the championship(Go Spurs! HAHA)... it just isn't my thing. I prefer reading Candy, Teen Vogue, Elle Girl magazine over sports (if you could see my collection..). As for sex, Poli's a better person to talk about that.
And he made me realize how much time I spend on this blog. I talk about my feelings too much I know. But being the emotional basketcase I guess that comes with the territory. You see people beyond the "mataray, scary and intimidating" facade (according to everyone I meet... HAHA) I am an emotional, sentimental and sometimes psychological wreck.
Today's no different. You see those constant changes that come out of nowhere every once in awhile get to me. It comes out especially when I've suddenly found myself with too much time on my hands. Now I have no place else to go but here. I have to say all the things I never really say in order for me to finally start moving forward.
You see I feel like I'm in front of this very strange roadblock. It's like I have this huge wall in front of me and yes it's obviously blocking my way. What's strange is the fact that it's only blocking my way. I'm having this incredible movie moment right now where I feel like everyone else is moving on with their lives while I'm stuck here in front of this big wall that just won't let up...
I just feel trapped. Nothing's going on in any area of my life. It's quite pessimistic I know but I've been feeling this and I've never really said this so maybe by finally admitting to it, it just might leave me alone.
I've just been hearing a lot of surprising and good news recently... from migrating friends (Betsy!!), to a married with kid 2o something year old cousin, to people achieving their dreams... they're all good and I can't help but be thrilled for all of them but that keeps me stuck here. It makes me feel so insignificant.
I don't need people telling me that this is not true because none of you feel the way I do about the situation so please none of those kinds of comments...
I'm currently feeling so helpless. I'm never one to easily admit how helpless I feel at least not to anyone who isn't close to me. I have this "Superwoman" mentality and I can't stand it when I let people down. But this time I feel that I'm letting myself down. There's no other place for me to turn but to this space and you reader who is somewhat detached from my situation. You see I can't even run to myself anymore.
I'm so scared to be stuck in this rut.
I'm so afraid of being this helpless and vulnerable.
I'm frightened of being trapped.
I don't want to fail.
I so do not want to be a failure.
There I said it. I finally said it. I just wish I could rise above all of these fears... maybe now I could actually live my life.
8 comments:
I feel the same way too sometimes best...
But remember, your the protagonist in the movie of your life - in movies, protagonists are only stuck for a couple of clips but then they move out of it really quick - your in that moment, savour it because I'm sure you'll move out of it pretty quick too.
Hehe, I remember the first time I met you...you were President of our mod class...then you were like top in every class...and now your still at the top...I think that 'i don't want to fail' keeps you at the very top of your game...sometimes pressure helps...but uhh keep it to the minimum it might make you go psycho XD
You always find a way to make me feel better... it makes me want to cry na... HEHE I really really miss you best! Thank you for that!
though im not good in giving advice...
this is all i can say...
all people, at one point of our lives experience the "feeling of being stucked and insignificant"... what really matters is how we deal with it. remember that we control our lives and it is in our own that we start moving on... though mahirap... kailangan.
anyweiz...summer na. have a wonderful summer nicole!
Thanks Betsy! Hope you have a great summer as well!
"I have this "Superwoman" mentality and I can't stand it when I let people down."
Leos will always be Leos Nicole! Hehe!
But you know, we Leos are known for the ability to recuperate and turn things around when subjected to enormous pressures or problems!
I'm sure you'll get over it.
I envy you actually. I would do anything just to be a d.l. even for only one semester. We're in our second year and your on your way to your fourth time.
I don't know how to give good advices. Just don't let this ruin your vacation. There are millions of things to do.
I know what is it with us Leos and all the drama! HAHA
Thank you Poli! You know I just needed to get that out actually...
Oh and I do hope I make it into this sem's list.
hmm.. i seem to oversaw significant things about leos (apart from being able to put humor-hormones on their top level and being timely) hmm...
anyway, haha. ya know, i do feel you're right when you said people comment that "you shouldn't feel that way.." (was i one of them just in case? else id be eating my words eeks.) it just tramples one's feelings... hehehe...
don't worry mama nicole. it is part of living after all. And there are other ways of things than trying to push the wall away. You could, perhaps, dig a hole? cry out for bulldozer?
hehe.
ya. i noticed the katarayan with the irap-effect. ouch. all the same, don't we all have the same masks?
i think the holier (better i mean) one person is, the more dangerous that person is to be an enemy... hmm.. now it makes sense to me..
haha. no. i'm not treating you an enemy. *backs off squirmishly* hahahaa!
choose to have fun, nicole! mwah! happy vacation!
Nicole, I really doubt if there’s anyone who hadn’t experienced a point in their life when they feel so defeated, which some would theatrically call as the mid-life crisis ( of course we all know this isn’t necessarily true, since even a kinder students could also experience this). XD
You shouldn’t be afraid when there’s too much time in your hands. Of course it’s during these moments when you could hear your thoughts torturing you more clearly. But you should know that you could also take advantage of this and use it as people with no distraction usually do reflect. I’m not saying you should stare at the wall or something, but one of the best ways to do it this is to clean and arrange your old possessions. Besides pleasing your mom and dad which I doubt would be your priority especially when your mind is being clouded with insecurities, it could also serve as a reminder. A reminder of your past goals, of what kind of person you used to be, all the achievements and failures you had, that you have changed and that you are in charge of your life. Plus you could also find missing trinkets you probably thought you have lost in the past. XD
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As for your sumerpwoman mentality, well I don’t want to appear preachy here, but all of us bound to fail since were just humans, I think accepting that like death would mean less resistance to our development.
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