Love But Not Really

The more they are convinced that I am still in love with him, the more I realize how much I AM NOT.

I haven't really talk about him in quite some time already because he has slowly been disappearing from my radar. Fine it is more like I am pushing him out of it but that method seems to be working for me.

That resolve has been tested twice within a four or five day difference and I have come to a conclusion... I AM SO OVER HIM.

My friends keep trying to bring him up. Everyone is trying to coax an answer out of me. One high school friend through chat asking if there was any suitors lurking around which of course there are none.

Then my close friends were talking about one of my closest friend's old flame that just won't go away over Anne's birthday celebration dinner last Friday where they were convinced that I wasn't naming any new "prospects" because I was still hung up on him. All they got was a shrug and laugh out of me.

It's funny how my group of friends never seem to be convinced when one of us is in denial about our love lives. Maybe because most of the time we are just trying to cover up how we really feel. We all do get a laugh out of it sometimes. Watching each one of us squirm under prodding. It is a lot of fun. I miss those girls so much. UEU you still rock!

Anyway, there is still one more instance / test. Just a few hours ago I was on the phone with one of those said girl friends and she was mentioning this show on TV where the girl's name was my name and her love interest had the same first letter as "Mr. Old Flame" (new name for him! HAHA) and she immediately thought of me.

I didn't know how to respond to that but no romantic spinning or tumbling going on in my system. It felt like one of those KODAK moments where you feel like you are going through some old scrapbook and feel happy and all but not regretful of whatever was happening currently.

Again I laughed it off and said "NICE". I believe it was the perfect response in this situation. We were on to the next topic after that. No mention of him again in that conversation. The first sentence of this entry was what I thought of after all of this.

I realized that I am over him and I really have never been in love. Out of my 17 turning 18 years of existence I have never felt what it is like to be in love. I'm looking forward to that gut wrenching feeling but as of this moment it has never come to pass.

Love is such a huge word to throw around. I believe through my years of observation that it is probably the best treasure we could ever find or stumble upon (in some cases) in this planet of ours. So to throw around I love you like it was a piece of candy wrapper should be considered a sin. Love is sacred and beautiful. I just hate it when it is used to get something out of someone. Virginity back anyone?

Anyway, I'm going to backtrack... what I felt for old flame was probably just a worse case of infatuation. I was so hung up on him that I let myself believe that it was love. Maybe I was given a taste of it but I don't believe that I got the whole thing. He barely knew I existed for Christ's sake! I was just another nice girl to him.

And after years of trying to chase after this guy who just doesn't want to be pursued. I am letting my mind take a rest, I am putting my heart at ease. I am letting go of the illusion that he was interested in me and I am allowing myself to set free the even bigger weight of the idea that I was even in love with him.