Bring It!

Hmmm... I just read in one of my doodles... HAHA I still have time to do that! HAHA The line: "Am I sacrificing love?"

And before I dive myself into a night filled with course requirements I will have to write down my sentiments on my favorite topic... love. Ha! Big surprise! My comment box still isn't working and that frustrates me a lot... but I can't do anything about that now... grrr...!!!

Well as I said before I am in dire need of perspective and books have been my sort of go to person/thing... and this book which I purposefully bought even through budget constraints was: "By The River Piedra, I Sat Down & Wept", a book I have been dying to read and when I saw what I thought was the last copy at National bookstore I took the chance and bought it without second thoughts because at that moment this is the topic the seriously needs to be put into perspective, in my opinion anyway...

As you may have noticed I have been very, very bitter about love which was brought by the onset of Valentine's the holiday that brings out the worst in me... okay I might not be the only one experiencing the bitterness... anyway... today in between trying to study to study for Philosophy and resting I picked up the book to read a few pages and I have yet again another epiphany...

I read the story about the Other... and how it is... as quoted in the book:

"The Other is the one who taught me what I should be like, but not what I am."

"...I'm just like everyone else who listens to their heart: a person who is enchanted by mystery of life. Who is open to miracles, who experiences joy and enthusiasm for what they do. It's just that the Other, afraid of disappointment, kept me from taking action."

"And there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it's better to lose some of the battles in the struggle for your dreams than to be defeated without ever even knowing what you're fighting for."

"He seemed to be talking about my fears, my insecurity, and my unwillingness to see what was wonderful because tomorrow it might disappear and then I would suffer."

Fear... it has been a huge driving force in my life... a lot of moments in my life have passed by because I let fear take control... which reminds of the song Drive by Incubus (thanks a lot Sir Coronacion! HAHA)...

Anyway, I just found it funny how I discovered that doodle when I was about to write this entry... I have been busy with school and I put the image of love in the back burner and when sacrifices came up in one of my classes I just thought that "Am I sacrificing love?" Even the episode of One Tree Hill is agreeing with me today... it's all about Brooke deciding to finally give her heart to Lucas...

Falling in love... or waiting for love... or being ready to accept love... you see I have been putting this thought in my mind where I think that I'll grow old and alone... probably be successful but I'd be alone and I'd just adopt a kid to continue my legacy and take care of me in the process... I have been sort of "preparing" myself for this future life... and the book has sort of given me new light on an old subject... I fear love more than I hate it... actually hate is a strong word because you can't hate love that is just such an oxymoron.

As I said, I fear love because I don't know what it means, I fear love because it has yet to touch my heart... I fear that it wouldn't ever touch my heart. That's why I'm bitter, that's why I am in pain, I anticipate the future, I believed that all it would bring me is pain... and like the last quote is saying, I don't want to savor the wonderful moments because I know that it will all end. But isn't it true that it is "better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?"

And now I am trying not to let fear take over me anymore... I am slowly opening my heart to those who are willing to look into it like my quote for this week... that wasn't intentional by the way... the quote from No Boyfriend Since Birth. I am willing to love again and I am willing to be loved... hello world! I am ready! Bring it!!