Different Moods Of My Love

Hello everyone! Have you seen my icon for this week... if not check it out in my profile section... if your too lazy to do that it actually reads: "VALENTINE'S DAY: like we really need another day of the year to feel like shit because we're single. thank you effin' hallmark." I put that on purpose for this week because surprise surprise it's Valentine's on Tuesday... great. That icon pretty much says my sentiment regarding this supposed "holiday". I know I'm being bitter but this is my blog so I can be as bitter as I want... HAHA

***Wait just a little interlude... I find it funny how my playlist was just playing Chinelas by Kamikazee then suddenly switched to Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson... I find this too amusing... God I'm so easily pleased. Back to regular programming***

On a lighter note... my quote for this week is on the sweeter side... I fell in love with this quote really:

Boy: So what are we?
Girl: I don't know. What do you want to be?
Boy: Whatever makes you happy.
Girl: I'm already happy. So what will make you happy?
Boy: You.

It just makes me say, "AWWW"... will someone ever say that to me? Will I ever make just one guy extremely happy and hear him actually say that I am the only thing that makes him happy, the only reason his heart flip flops... I'm being very cheesy because if I don't I might explode... I also love the new McDonald commercial for Valentine's okay so I might actually like it because Warren Austria was the lead and he was saying I love you to Chelsea Co through the spaces between library shelves and I was imagining he was actually saying that to me! HAHA Oh well...

Well from the bitter side, to the love bit side and now I am switching to my brooding depressed side with the help of a quote from Eleven Minutes...

"What the eyes don't see, the heart does grieve over."

I have been repressing a lot of emotions because I have been and still am extremely busy but during weekends those certain emotions seem to take a life of their own so instead of trying to push them away I shall deal with them right now in the spirit of Valentine's... this is actually the time of the year when I feel my absolute worst... okay so it hasn't passed yet but around this period my repressed feelings of insecurity and loneliness are actually at their peak... every negative feeling I have towards love eventually comes out...

I see this quote from the book as another reminder of all of my bottled up emotions... I don't really have anyone to talk to about this right now because all my friends are busy and I don't really want to bother them so I wallow in self pity... and I'm listening to Dashboard Confessional which seems to complement my current mood.

This quote to me is sort of what I feel towards myself, what others see when they look at me. They would see a normal, seemingly happy, industrious girl who seems to have it all... yet they don't see that behind that is this girl who falls too fast, who reacts to every look, smile and glance like it's the most important thing in the world, every word spoken is being analyzed, every observation is over examined and through all that analysis you would find a girl who is tired of trying to figure men out, distressed because she feels she isn't the least bit desirable, exasperated because it seems like everyone around her has found someone except her, hurt because she fell to fast, depressed because she is grieving over someone that never was hers and never would be hers because they don't seem to be the least bit interested.

I am a girl who feels like she would never be loved by anyone.
I am a girl who feels that I am never going to be enough for anyone.
I am a girl who feels that no matter who I love they wouldn't find it in them to show any interest in me whatsoever.
I am the girl who in the absence of love in her life fears that she wouldn't be given a chance to be loved by someone she chooses to give her entire self to...

I am Nicole...
I have been single since birth...
I have never been courted...
I have never had a guy who had the guts to admit that he actually had feelings for me...
And I feel like I am the loneliest person to ever walk this earth...
And I fear that I would be that way forever...