Ever Been Truly Happy?

I feel down again... dont' know why, don't ask me why... because as I said I don't know...

I'm a melodramatic teen so sue me! Just love saying that expression... anyway... as I said... I am depressed again... not to the point of suicide or whatever which is something I WOULD NOT DO by the way... well maybe I am just sad...

I sort of notice this pattern where I shift from being sad to okay then back to sad... because honestly I think I never experienced absolute happiness... mind if I ask you all a question... EVER BEEN TRULY HAPPY? Please share your experiences with me... it might trigger something in me...

Maybe I have been happy in other aspects of my life... like happy with family and friends... academics... happy about living...

But I am here again to bitch and moan about love or lack thereof again but this is my site so I have every right to do that...

We can't have everything and what is lacking in my life is this... love... you all know what I mean... I am talking about romantic love... love from a total stranger well not really but you get my point...

But sometimes I just have to ask... some people have what I have, loving friends and family, good job or good at their job with a loving significant other. What could be lacking in their lives? I know it is wrong to question one's ability to love or to judge the validity of your persona but it gets tiring... asking what gets tiring... I AM TIRED OF BEING ALONE...

There I said it... it gets really tough for me... putting up the strong, nothing is wrong facade gets really tiring... am I lying to myself by doing this? Am I trying to be strong? What am I doing? I have been asking myself this question for the past months... I guess it is just part of me... I was raised to be independent and to be strong... but sometimes... I admit I rely on someone a lot of times and I long to rely on someone but still keep my independence...

I feel that the world around me is sort of in control but in me everything is just so wrong... I feel that my emotions spin out of control but I only let that happen to me when I am alone... I don't know what lacks, what I have to do to get rid of this... it just sort of piles on me... maybe I am the one piling them up but I still feel the same no matter how I say that I just do this to myself... that I am the root cause of most of my problems... in this department any way...

And I think the root cause of that is that I wear my heart on my sleeve, daily... in this meaning anyway...

1. Heart on your sleeve
Someone who becomes devoted to something too easily or gives their heart away quickly. They might be easily upset by things going on around them. (taken from urbandictionary.com)

This describes me in ways that fit me like a glove... if you were to use one expression or attitude to describe me this is it... I WEAR MY HEART ON MY SLEEVE

I give away myself too easily without the consent of the other person... without anyone knowing that it already is his... without even thinking if what I was feeling was even humanly possible... and in the end, I am hurt, jealous, torn to pieces but with no one to blame but myself, all because I wore my heart on my sleeve... all because I gave in too easily without much thought... then in the end I lie to myself and tell myself that I am okay... that I will be okay... that life goes on... it does... but things won't be the same because in some point of your life you felt this way...

I still have a lot to say about my feelings but I want to share this with you... I got this from Peyton on One Tree Hill... she was asked by Anna... "WHY ARE RELATIONSHIPS SO HARD?" and she said, "BECAUSE THE ONLY THING THAT IS HARDER IS BEING ALONE."

Most people celebrate independence or being single... don't worry I do too... but there are moments when it gets too lonely to bear... I guess just like everything else... it is an oxymoron... it is fun but excruciatingly painful too...

Maybe that is why I like EMO because that is how I feel most of the time... I'll leave you with this quote...

"Sa buhay, hindi maiiwasan maglaro lalo na sa pag-ibig. Pwede kang magpaasa, pwede din manloko... pwede kang magpaikot at manggago. Pero ito lang ang sigurado... ANG UNANG MAINLOVE... TALO."

*kisses*
nikki