Who I Thought I Was

Time has this wierd and sometimes obnoxious way of letting me know that I've changed. I may or may not have grown but I can definitely say that I've changed. I can't really pinpoint the changes but I know I have.

I've been existing on this earth for 18 years now and I know that I don't fully understand it. I don't plan on trying to solve all its mysteries (but I would love to get in on some of them) and I'm just observing the alterations that spring on me once in awhile. It makes me think of this song by Jonathan Rice entitled Kiss Me Goodbye that has this line:

Does anybody else here feel half alive?
Drifting time and this song makes me realize of the changes in me. And I can't help by raise my hand and say, "Yes I feel half alive..." or at least I still somehow feel that way. Maybe I can never get rid of that feeling but I do know that my eyes are open now.

I have been "wake walking" through parts of my life. I went with the flow. There is nothing wrong with being flexible and being able to bend over and back when people ask you to sometimes but that shouldn't be a permanent part of one's life. There is a chance that when you allow yourself to be swayed by the crowd, you will be swept away by it. I admit to having been swept away in some instances in my life...

I don't want to end up a broken girl. I did what any sane human might do. I said no. I'm not willing to dive head first into something I can't commit my whole heart to. I'll be cheating myself and those people around me. My Philo prof said that freedom is only manifested when one participates. But this time I beg to disagree with him. I know that I won't give my best when I'm faced by something I don't want to do.

Does this mean that I'm just scared to enter into this supposed new chapter in my life? Perhaps. Look at it through my perspective, I just went through another door. I chose not to participate in this certain situation to engage in another one. I don't want to be a pushover. Now I am ready to be anyone I want to be.

Time's wierd this way. I thought I was this type of person but I turn out to be someone totally different. It took me this long to realize it. It took me this long to finally go against the facade that has been built for me.

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Now on a different note. I joined Blogathon 2007 that started last February 3. Since I got in on the action late, it means that I would blog at least once a day from February 7 to March 7. Why you may ask? Because I can. Let's see what thoughts I could conjure up over this time. Check it out if you want to.