I've always been scared of expressing my feelings. The funny thing is I'm more afraid of showing how happy I am than of showing how pissed off and bothered I am toward a certain situation. Howie Day said it best in his song Collide:
"I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind..."
I'm afraid that I'll preempt that happiness. Wierd thought I know but somehow I can never bring myself around to fully express happiness. I'm ashamed to be happy at times... it scares the shit out of me to think that I might be happy because in the back of my mind that happiness wouldn't last.
I have a perfect example... I'm still giddy over the TSITP thing. I do find Mr. Archi very attractive and the thought actually excites me. I'm being a big groupie right now but I can't seem to rid the thought of the guy. The hormones are talking people! HAHA
Anyway, if I did not put that in here now I'll probably suppress that feeling somehow and destroy it with a horrible thought. Something that would negate the feeling a bit. I'm never contented with being happy. I always question it. That bugs me a lot.
I don't want to do it this time. I'm tired of denying my own happiness. I'm trying to let the emotions pour in. I'm going to let myself be perfectly happy. I'll let myself be happy with this little crush. It might be a good idea to let my hormones get the best of me now.
Be happy and stay happy everyone!
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4 comments:
hahaha... so it took you this long for you to realize it? (or to write it?)
Hahah... being somebody who's being looked up to is really tough, eh?
It also occurred to me the thought that at one point, you'll be crazily happy and there's this premonition that the next day, you won't be.
And I've just realized that it was a waste of time thinking about it - since it is only natural, for as they say - life is a circle.
What we can do is relish the moment we're having those happy memories - at least if we're sad, there's something to look back to and at least have a reason to smile... I think that the only way to fight sadness is to choose to be happy, no matter what (haha, pretty ironic for myself, but I assure you i'm not the lonely type when you see me alone... i just like the silence... hahaha!)
Otherwise, if we don't seize the moment, we tend to be rebellious... (doncha feel that sometimes?) and I admit, it's scary but exciting the same... hahah...
So... that's it... (what a lame way to exit huh?)
It's really fun reading your thoughts sometimes - haha! makes me think of what i also think most of the time...
Great advice Tin... I appreciate it. I let the premonitions get to me. I know I should stop doing that.
Let's all stay happy. And yes it took me this long to actually admit this.
Mmmm...
"I'll probably suppress that feeling somehow and destroy it with a horrible thought."
I didn't know you were exeperiencing the same dilema I used to have.
I used to have the wrong belief that emotions were inherently signs of weakness, since it exposes yourself to other people. People who might take advantage of it and used it against you.
Hiding my emotions was my natural solution. Of course at that time I didn't it was almost the same as lossing your soul. I reached the point I'm so isolated with other people I couldn't relate with them anymore.
At that time I realized my idea of emotion was wrong. I asked myself why I going so much effort to hide what I feel from other people? Don't I deserve the respect that I show to other people when they would want to express themselves.
Pare-pareho lang naman kaming tao di ba? I reasoned.
I know I'm not exactly a reliable source when it comes to social interaction.
I still have a long way to go before before i could say I could comfortablly relate other people (hahahaha that would be the day), but I hope that when that time comes your already way ahead of me.
***
Hahahaha goodluck sa pagiging admirer ni Mr. Archi.
Aww thanks Sam! I'm probably not the only one though. And it is just admiration.
I think like that sometimes, the whole signs of weakness sort of thing. I guess I grew up that way. Not the proper way I know. I do hope we both get rid of our social bad habits...
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